What are the different ways they relocate their feelings onto others?

square · October 15, 2021, 08:15:44 PM

Unfortunately, I can be very soothing. So H can take his anxieties to me and I can talk it through until he feels better. That method is obvious to me.

But I sense there are other ways he brings his feelings to me and I'm not fully aware of how it works.

For example, he gets in a certain mood where he's like half joking around and half hostile. I don't get it. Usually it's physical rather than verbal, he starts trying to poke me. It's the weirdest thing. If I don't react, he gets mad. If I push back on him he likes it but redoubles his efforts. I don't get what he's trying to achieve out of it. But he is definitely trying to manage some feeling that likely has nothing to do with me, and trying to transfer that feeling somehow. Any insight?

Another thing is wanting me to be as upset as him about something. Not sure how that helps manage his feelings.

I just overall feel like I'm a walking emotional management tool for him and I feel like I could almost but not quite see how the gears work.

Do you have other examples of PDs somehow using you to manage their own emotions?

Gosh, it sure would ne nice if he ever made ME feel better once in a while. But when the stress hits the family, I'll be the only one keeping everybody together while he falls apart as much as he likes.

11JB68 · October 15, 2021, 08:44:17 PM

Square, my Updh used to poke me. Thinking about it now, not sure when he stopped.... But he did. I think I started poking him back and he didn't like it (big surprise).
He projects. A. Lot. Once I realized that it's like all the time.... 'i can't unsee it's
Projection is a common defense mechanism

square · October 15, 2021, 10:06:40 PM

Mine doesn't object to me poking him back, but I don't like it because he takes it as a green light to escalate. He definitely wants me to react but I'm not sure precisely what he's looking for.

He has an older sister and they did sibling stuff like that - still do, actually. She enjoys it as much as he does, but I don't think I've seen him do it in the half hostile way. I'm an only child and detest being tickled etc so I'm not a good partner for this play.

I just feel like he gets in a mood, for either internal or external reasons. Then he doesn't know how to handle it. So he starts poking me like a damn three year old, trying to get a rise out of me.

Maybe it's not that malicious. He and his sis enjoy that kind of stuff and he has nobody to share it with anymore. Maybe he's just letting off steam but it's not a good match.

I guess it's just hard for me to relate to because when I'm frustrated, making someone else feel something doesn't help me at all so it just baffles me.

tragedy or hope · October 16, 2021, 08:56:57 AM

Try this on... he/she is an emotional 4 yr. old. They do what 4 yr. olds do. Wanting you to connect with them in their sphere of ability to "be social," etc.

I get poked verbally, almost challenged into his world. If I don't participate I am "no fun." If I do, he has an open door to be critical etc. in his mind guised by "just having fun."

Same same whether physical or otherwise. As a target, they must continually be sure we are on their radar, even if it is a simple response to a poke, which is extremely childish. It is a physical boundary issue. "I will find a way to get into your space whether you like it or not."

It's like interrupting me with a "kiiss" when I am in the middle of eating something sitting at the table alone. I can count on it like clockwork.. I cannot be interested in feeding myself, without his involvement.

I see him coming and push the food away so his head/hair is not hanging over my plate. i have even identified it to him. He does not care he does it anyway. I don't even need to give an equal response. He goes for the lips. It's pathetic. I try to sit down when he is preoccupied with his tv but it does not always work.

It's about attention. We SHALL suffer the satisfaction of being bothered by them. it's their job, so they think. When I wrapped my head around the 4 yr. old emotional maturity some of this got easier. I can see it coming.

Hazy111 · October 16, 2021, 09:15:40 AM

See: Narcissistic supply (attention)

Definition from glossary

It can feel like you have to perform "mental gymnastics" from dealing with the lying (even when confronted with undeniable proof ), the gaslighting, the triangulation, the projection, the constant contradictions, the manipulation, blame-shifting, the charm they lay on, the inflated sense of self - even subtle forms of torture, such as sleep deprivation, these people inflict on their victims - appears to be conscious and calculated to push the target of their "affections" past their limits, into surrender - and ultimately into total compliance - as a source of Narcissistic Supply.

Poison Ivy · October 16, 2021, 12:45:08 PM

My ex-spouse, who might have avoidant or dependent personality disorder, or both, sometimes used me as a receptacle for emotional dumps. This might have been okay if he had been comfortable with me talking to him about my feelings, but he wasn't. I didn't like the one-way nature of the "sharing."

Call Me Cordelia · October 16, 2021, 10:16:34 PM

Ugh. I have an actual 4-year-old. He knows better than to climb in my lap while I'm eating.

The desire to have you be as upset as he is about something speaks to insecurity to me. He doesn't trust his own feelings enough to let them just be his feelings. They aren't real unless he sees them validated and mirrored in you. He needs you to legitimize them. And if you don't, enough, every time, cue the fears of non-existence and abandonment. I think it's an extreme and disordered manifestation of the desire for validation we all do in fact need. I know I get more upset when something is really upsetting me and my husband's response is

. All I really want from him is a little empathy. I don't want him to feel as bad as I do and I don't want a pity party. I think that's normal to a degree. This used to be a bigger deal to me, and years ago I would deliberately try to provoke an emotional response from him. Usually without success.

But I learned that I didn't trust my feelings either, and was relying on him to tell me if they were okay, if I was worth his notice, which could only be proven to my satisfaction if his reaction was sufficiently intense. That's really not his job, or yours.

Mary · October 16, 2021, 11:03:24 PM

4 yr old analogy make so much sense--or 9-year-old in my case. I've heard about arrested development--that their emotional development broke down at the age of abuse (or maybe trauma).

square · October 17, 2021, 12:05:44 AM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on October 16, 2021, 10:16:34 PM
Ugh. I have an actual 4-year-old. He knows better than to climb in my lap while I'm eating.

The desire to have you be as upset as he is about something speaks to insecurity to me. He doesn't trust his own feelings enough to let them just be his feelings. They aren't real unless he sees them validated and mirrored in you. He needs you to legitimize them. And if you don't, enough, every time, cue the fears of non-existence and abandonment. I think it's an extreme and disordered manifestation of the desire for validation we all do in fact need. I know I get more upset when something is really upsetting me and my husband's response is . All I really want from him is a little empathy. I don't want him to feel as bad as I do and I don't want a pity party. I think that's normal to a degree. This used to be a bigger deal to me, and years ago I would deliberately try to provoke an emotional response from him. Usually without success. But I learned that I didn't trust my feelings either, and was relying on him to tell me if they were okay, if I was worth his notice, which could only be proven to my satisfaction if his reaction was sufficiently intense. That's really not his job, or yours.

Yeah, that makes sense.

When I am not as upset as desired he accuses me of not caring. He's BPDish.

I know his mother invalidated his feelings - still does. So feeling upset may trigger the feelings he gets when he is invalidated, even if noone has done so.

And of course my change to MC triggers that as well, but since he does not support me emotionally I am no longer able to go on his rollercoaster rides with him.

Cat of the Canals · October 25, 2021, 07:09:33 PM

The poking sounds like a very childish attempt at getting attention to me. I've always been a big reader, and my brother was always fascinated with how much I could be completely ignorant of my surroundings once I got into a book. He would poke and call my name like it was a game to see how long it took me to notice. And I think it was purely out of boredom and immaturity. There wasn't really any hostility in it, but it was certainly pretty selfish, because it was all for his own entertainment and was interrupting MY entertainment.

So your husband might not even realize he wants attention... he might not even be particularly interested in YOUR attention. He's probably just bored and hey look! Someone to poke and get a reaction out of! Because it's something to do.

Justanotherlostgirl · October 25, 2021, 08:55:25 PM

Quote from: tragedy or hope on October 16, 2021, 08:56:57 AM
Try this on... he/she is an emotional 4 yr. old. They do what 4 yr. olds do. Wanting you to connect with them in their sphere of ability to "be social," etc.

I get poked verbally, almost challenged into his world. If I don't participate I am "no fun." If I do, he has an open door to be critical etc. in his mind guised by "just having fun."

Same same whether physical or otherwise. As a target, they must continually be sure we are on their radar, even if it is a simple response to a poke, which is extremely childish. It is a physical boundary issue. "I will find a way to get into your space whether you like it or not."

It's like interrupting me with a "kiiss" when I am in the middle of eating something sitting at the table alone. I can count on it like clockwork.. I cannot be interested in feeding myself, without his involvement.

I see him coming and push the food away so his head/hair is not hanging over my plate. i have even identified it to him. He does not care he does it anyway. I don't even need to give an equal response. He goes for the lips. It's pathetic. I try to sit down when he is preoccupied with his tv but it does not always work.

It's about attention. We SHALL suffer the satisfaction of being bothered by them. it's their job, so they think. When I wrapped my head around the 4 yr. old emotional maturity some of this got easier. I can see it coming.

Oh wow my stbx used to do this ALL the time. Try to shove his tongue down my throat while I was eating and had no idea why I would be upset about that

square · October 25, 2021, 10:58:20 PM

You guys are all right, the poking thing is a bid for attention. Sometimes it's hostile, usually it's not.

Usually I don't play along but lately I have been, and might continue. I playfully hit him back, I know that sounds awful, but it delights him.

I've done variations of ignoring it for years and the attempts never stopped. Honestly, if a little play makes him feel better, that's a win for the whole family.

Also, I do appreciate confirmation that his goal was for us to laugh, rather than to, I dunno, subjugate me or something. I feel I got this confirmation because he was happy I played along - it didn't turn into something else.

I think he tried to explain that he pokes because I don't like to be tickled - and in fact, he mostly just threatens to poke.

As long as we keep it to a certain level, I can deal.