DH going no contact cause anxiety

[Maz]

So this is a long story. My in-laws have always been an issue. My Dh parents have divorced, PA FIL has remarried and causes us both a lot of pain and heart ache. He's passive aggressive, tells lies, weak and plays sides to suit him. You can never get a straight answer out of him and he is so so so manipulative. He's new wife has 2 daughters who are the cuckoos in Dh family home. Basics are that Dh called some issues out when father in law was in a relationship with now wife so he got excluded and so did I. His father my fil would have secret birthday parties that we weren't invited to but if Dh questioned this his Dad would just lies. FIL kept saying "I have 2 daughters now" so when he said this to me I asked if his wife felt the same about his sons and his response was I've never asked her.

Dh has tried to resolve things with FIL but he's sneaky, he says things that make him sound like the perfect FIL father but none of it is true. Dh has said he feels like FIL his father calls him in secret when his wife isn't in ear shot and I agree. His attitude towards myself and Dh is different if his wife is around. It feels to me like he's constantly playing up to his wife who doesn't like me one bit and has a dislike for Dh. His wife is false and puts on a show, she makes a point of inviting us over last minute, looks at FIL for her pat on the back. The invite never comes with a time or a place just woolly so it cannot be pinned down. It really does make me angry.

Anyway after some recent events (miscarriage) FIL was a total sh** Dh was heartbroken and all he could say was how busy he's been with new wife and her family. He also added in that wife had a health scare whilst Dh was trying to pour his heart out. So basically using the one up technique.

Dh is now hurt, furious and at the end of the line.

He blocked his father as it was draining him. Anyways after a few weeks of no contact FIL turns up with wife.  Dh was frost to them but not rude. FIL does this thing where he acts injured. I call it the broken bird, he looks like he's dissolving into a pile. He doesn't give eye contact and uses this over exaggerated sad voice. On his visit he was stood outside as Dh didn't invite them in. It was really awkward so I make an effort and said come inside, FIL them did all the broken bird stuff making it worse. So again I said come inside, he was saying I wasn't bother you, just wanted to make sure Dh was alright. (This is new because when you have repeatedly invited them over for years and years we we're told it's so far, it's out of the way for us. FIL then says that if he wanted to see his parents he would have to make the effort)

Eventually they dame in, Dh pretended to be busy, and they just fired question after question at me. It was like this:

FIL: How's work?
Me: Good
FIL wife: how's the building work on house?
Me: Ongoing but good
FIL wife how's you Dad?
Me: Good
FIL wife: how's Dh work?
Me: Good, but ask him he's right next to you.
This is when she pretended not to see him and like it was a surprise he was in the room.
FIL wife: how's your brother?
Me: Good

It was like being on trial. In the 12 years me and Dh have been together they have never taken the time to ask me anything.

I'm so confused.

Anyway Dh eventually came back in the room and spoke to them briefly. He wasn't rude but was frosty.

They then started to leave, on the way ot FIL wife clearly wanted out and stormed off to the care. FIL was walking slow and being strange. He walked up the path to leave then turned around and said "you can call me you know,............... both of you" so I responded with I don't have your number, I've never had your number. He then pretends he's looking for his phone in his pocket.  Dh jumps in and says I've got his number, it's fine. So again he starts to walk away and then he says "you can visit us any time................both of you"

It's been 12 years and I've never been told or asked specifically that I'm welcome. I've always been made to feel unwelcome.

They they eventually left.

Now we have the fall out from Dh. His moods are all over the place, he's snapping, he's clearly upset. He won't talk about it he just says he's sick of everything.

I'm struggling to know what to do and how I can support Dh.

I'm worried it's making him ill. He has said he wants to send FIL a text saying he doesn't eat to talk but he hasn't done this yet.

I just wanted to get other people's thoughts on the situation.

Dh is also no contact with his un npdm she calls and text me if Dh doesn't respond or answer the phone. She's done this for years. Dh blocked her after her lack of support and her selfishness. She constantly talks about money and how much money she has to spend. She gets a me partner every time she needs work doing on her house. The fast partner fitting her bathroom, as soon at the work was done the relationship ended. This is a pattern with her. She uses people, she isn't interested. Dh has blocked her followed by a text explaining he doesn't want to talk right now, he's going through a lot. To not contact me but the issues are from a while back before we were even together.

He's so much more assertive with his mother.

I'm finding the whole situation overwhelming.

In recent years if Dh  didn't have much contact it was my fault, if Dh said something his parents didn't like it was my fault. I can see that this is probably going to be interpreted as my fault.

How do I deal with this land support Dh?

Should I just stay way away from the situation and let Dh handle it all?

Any help would be welcome.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry about the difficult situation. I recommend that you let your husband deal with his parents.

[bloomie]

Maz - First, and most importantly, I am so sorry for the loss and miscarriage you and your DH experienced. A time of lost dreams and sadness for you both and in a loving family you would've been rallied around and supported.

It is pain upon your heartbreak that you did not have this support from your in laws and that they have in turn, made this season harder and it seems from where I sit, all about them.

What I wish someone had said to me at the point you are at in this dysfunctional dance you don't want any part of is to follow your DH's lead. You are his wife, period. You are for him. You are a united front and for each other. You hold safe space around you and protect what you have built together.

Refuse to be put in the middle by your in-laws who suddenly have an avid interest in your life. 

You will never understand people who do inexplicable things and have such limited ability to show decency and love to you and your DH in general, and specifically when you are grieving the loss of an unborn child.

It is most often at these critical moments that the lack of firm foundation of the family system and relationships are revealed in big ways that we cannot explain away and ignore. It changes things when a parent chooses to show this level of disregard for their adult child's pain and a person who is being honest with themselves and acknowledging the disregard - like your DH is doing - who refuses to give into the waif like behaviors does need time to process this and to grieve.

If your DH isn't ready to talk about it simply wrap your arms around him and continue to build a loving and safe space between you. When he is ready you will be there.

[Leonor]

Hi Maz,

It can be hard to let go of the fix-it role in our relationship with the ILs. Both dh and I really struggled to get out of each other's way when it comes to dealing with our parents, so I feel for you both.

That said, it's pretty clear that dh is clear on his relationship with his parents: he doesn't want one. Maybe it's temporary, or a phase, or a permanent decision. But for the moment, he's acting very much in accordance with his boundaries.

And in your efforts to smooth things over or keep the family together or stand up for your dh or avoid being blamed for something, you're undermining dh's boundaries.

There's a lot of I's and me's in your post:

"So he got excluded and so did I"

"On his visit he was stood outside as Dh didn't invite them in. It was really awkward so I make an effort and said come inside."

"So again I said come inside."

"Good, but ask him he's right next to you."

"his wife who doesn't like me one bit and has a dislike for Dh."

"I asked if his wife felt the same about his sons and his response was I've never asked her."

"So I responded with I don't have your number, I've never had your number."

"Dh is also no contact with his un npdm she calls and text me if Dh doesn't respond or answer."

"I can see that this is probably going to be interpreted as my fault."

Consider this:

1. Block your ILs.

2. Ask your dh how he wants to handle the relationship with his parents going forward.

3. Promise to follow his lead.

4. Say if you have questions, you'll ask him first.

5. Give big hug.

Watch dh feel better immediately! Not perfect, not healed, but better.

[Maz]

Hi Leonor,

Thanks for your response. I can relate to what your saying about not getting out of Dh way when it comes to his parents. I have tried to fix it, but I agree it probably did undermine Dh boundaries.

I honestly wasn't sure what to do for the best so I did what I thought at the time.

Looking back it  would have been better to take Dh  lead and not really get too involved.

Your right about the post having a lot of me and I statements. I was trying to get across how I felt as I can only speak for myself. I do agree that this situation isn't solely about me but when someone's struggling or in pain it can be hard to see things from another person's point of view.

As a couple we are very caring and we do check in with one another on how we're feeling.

Stepping back if probably the healthiest way to support Dh. I can be kind of pushy in my personality so I am aware of my  faults in the situation. My intention is always to as you say fix it but it's something that's not for me to fix.

I just don't want my Dh to be hurt  or in pain because of how someone treats him.

[Maz]

Hi Bloomie,

Thanks for your post. I can see how a united front is the only way we will be able to deal with this situation.

Going through such a difficult time has highlighted the lack of support we receive. It's clear that Dh only gets support if he plays the game.

If he tows the line, fits into the role of always being second best. He's never made a priority with his foo and it feels like that's part of the pain for him.