Getting off this ride

[Dr. Sparkles]

I am ending a 30 year marriage with a woman who my therapist has finally convinced me is a narcissistic abuser, among many other things. We are just beginning the divorce process but already she has established a pattern of guilt-tripping (she is a cancer survivor so she brings that up regularly as something that should make me feel ashamed of for advocating for myself and my financial rights). She opens discussions with "YOU caused this. You need to take responsibility for that". Caused this, as in the divorce, as if nothing preceded my reaching a breaking point and finally calling it. My greatest sin or misdeed was that I stayed in the relationship, perhaps, way too long. But here is my defense: leaving her meant leaving my son, AND it meant leaving him WITH HER, which for most of our marriage felt like, well, like abandoning him. So I stayed in it until he grew up and left home and was safe. I still have a powerful feeling of regret about that nevertheless. Divorce sucks. We are trying to negotiate the division of our assets and while we are not rich, there is still a lot of contention, and she interprets any contention as betrayal. Anyways, I don't have a question, I just wanted to share this very painful stage of my journey Out of the FOG and into what I hope is a light, but I can't see it right now and right now is just misery.

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like you ha e clarity with regard to this process and the decisions and circumstances that lead to the divorce.

That is healthy even if it's not a fun place to be in life for the moment.  This transitional period will end and you will find yourself in your next chapter.

Many come here later to report that there is life on the other side.  Most report that it was worth it. Even if they find their lifestyle is lower economically, the peace and freedom from abuse is worth it. 

You have been beneficial to her and she won't want to loose that and will play hard on many levels.  Being a cancer survivor does not give her a license to abuse you. 

[MaxedOut]

You don't need a defense for staying or for leaving. She will blame/accuse because this wasn't her decision. Strike that - she'd blame and accuse had it been her decision also. It's part of the process, but at least you are in the process to reclaim your life. 

Ditto on settlement negotiations/court - your attorney is who to listen to about "fair" distribution of assets. And your internal compass, not the attempts to guilt. And there likely is no settlement where she'd say "that's reasonable" (or have the sentiment last).

The book "Splitting" helped me understand the divorce dynamics and range of potential behaviors and underlying motivations. It also helped put things in perspective on expectations; there were some pretty nasty and distorted behaviors and beliefs but they didn't catch me off guard because I expected them. The BIFF communication method helped to not fuel things during the divorce.

Congratulations on starting the next chapter! I am about a year out from divorce and life is so much better. I remember the stress of the process but it's already a pretty hazy set of memories because of all the good things after.