BDP sister asking for reimbursement

marymackblack · November 12, 2021, 11:14:28 AM

For those of you that are following my BDP sister angst

The latest after saying she would bring mom who has Alzheimer's to my home in CA for Xmas, then backing out, now has emailed and asking for $.
She wants to be paid from mom's savings to go once a month for a visit - she wants her pet sitter reimbursed, flights, car, room etc. I agreed to reimburse her through mom's account for Thanksgiving; she is taking mom to my dad's relatives in another state and driving. To be fair I have reimbursed myself when I've flown back to move my mom last year. Our elder care attorney said I am the POA and can do that.
It is my sister's decision however to go visit mom once a month, she should not be paid for that. Since I handle mom's money she now can be furious with me about saying no. I'm just continually getting set up . If she can't find something to be raging at me about, she creates something. The cycle is so clear: Manipulate, ambush, blame, stab, repeat.

moglow · November 12, 2021, 03:36:57 PM

Okay, I'll be the bad guy here - why is it your mother's/your responsibility to in essence pay your sister to visit? Granted I have a somewhat paranoid mindset given this kind of situation, but after all the silence suddenly it's of vital importance that her travel expenses be paid by someone else? What's her plan really - is she to make a token visit with mom and go about her own merry way otherwise, expecting her monthly trips receive full finance??

BPD or not, it's not reasonable to have this expectation or place this demand on others. When she wants to visit mom she should jolly well make her own arrangements and finance accordingly, just like anyone else. It's different if she is traveling *with* your mother, then at least it's understandable.

Just my $.06.

marymackblack · November 12, 2021, 04:21:00 PM

Quote from: moglow on November 12, 2021, 03:36:57 PM
Okay, I'll be the bad guy here - why is it your mother's/your responsibility to in essence pay your sister to visit? Granted I have a somewhat paranoid mindset given this kind of situation, but after all the silence suddenly it's of vital importance that her travel expenses be paid by someone else? What's her plan really - is she to make a token visit with mom and go about her own merry way otherwise, expecting her monthly trips receive full finance??

--- Thank you Moglow, and I agree 100% . What IS her plan? I'm getting better at seeing the set up. Borderline end-game may very well be that she knows I'll decline to have mom pay; so then she can say she was going to visit Mom monthly but now she can't and then blame it on me. She had her chance to visit mom in the past, now wants to make up for lost time and look good to the world that she cares.

My concern is that I don't want to sound hypocritical because I do reimburse myself for plane tickets and rental cars for the trips I have taken to visit my mom. But this is primarily because I am doing it due to my POA responsibilities for her care mgmt. I spend at least 5 hours per week on average for management of my mom's care, her finances and keeping track of it all. I take my responsibility seriously and I do not get paid obviously for this role, so anyway that's why I reimburse myself for some of the trips. Her request however is MONTHLY and not the same.

Call Me Cordelia · November 12, 2021, 06:15:26 PM

Maybe so, but you are the POA and not accountable to your sister. She doesn't need to know how or when or why you reimburse yourself for services to your mother.

marymackblack · November 12, 2021, 08:32:57 PM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on November 12, 2021, 06:15:26 PM
Maybe so, but you are the POA and not accountable to your sister. She doesn't need to know how or when or why you reimburse yourself for services to your mother.

Thank you CMC! I so appreciate your reply. Lawyer just said the same. I have communicated to her via email and cc'd the attorney. Brief, informative, friendly, firm!

daughter · November 13, 2021, 03:11:37 PM

She's "keeping score"; you get reimbursed, she wants to be reimbursed, and then some, to "get more". Familiar dynamic.

bloomie · November 13, 2021, 04:01:13 PM

marymackblack - all so familiar.

Your fiduciary and POA responsibilities are distinct from your role as a loving daughter. Two very different roles. You are so wise to see clearly what constitutes each role. That is your unique task and many of us here can attest to the reality that it is not an easy one.

Sending you strength and a big BRAVO as you continue to stand firm in protecting your mother's assets from nonsense claims to them by your sister.

We use the BIFF technique so often ourselves. Cuts out the emotion and drama on our end.

MusicalChairs · November 13, 2021, 05:24:38 PM

That BIFF is definitely the bomb (the good kind)! It's been the only thing that worked for me, except now e-mailing the BPDs is not even an option.

You all are hitting the nail on the head, re: BPD sister's actions with the elder and associated estate handling. I have the exact same situation and the fun just never stops. Some of the things my BPDs can come up with about money, including outright fabrications, shouldn't amaze me at this point but they still do.

Sounds like you're hanging in there well with this, marymackblack. Keep us posted, since I'm in the same boat I'm sure I'll learn something from your travails.

Pulling for ya...