Breaking NC with BPD Parent TW: Death

[tryingtoheal]

Hello all,

Years ago, I had an account on here but I cannot remember the password and I really need to write things out and think about them.

For the sake of this website call me Blakely (not my real name). I am a little over 1 year NC with my BPD mother. This past year has been great and really given me the opportunity to be myself outside of my mom and realize that NC is the right decision for me.

To make a long story short, my mom and dad divorced when I was around 6 but fought in court until I was 19. At 18 I moved in with my dad and successfully went NC with my mom for a year. My dad, for various reasons, was not around a whole lot when I was growing up. My mom remarried and my step-dad was very important to me. He is a great man other than the fact that I cannot talk about the verbal or emotional abuse my mom put me through as he doesn't believe me.

About a month ago I got an text from my mom (she is blocked on my phone but not my laptop, probably not the best decision but it's where we are), the text message said that my step-dad was in the hospital. I wasn't sure if this was a ploy to get me to talk to her or how bad it was so after discussing it in therapy, I chose to not respond. Since it has been some time I assumed that everything had cleared itself up. On Wednesday I received a text from my cousin, on my mom's side, saying that my step-dad was not doing well and I should really be there for my mom. I still felt like maybe they were using this as some way to get me to talk to them. It infuriated me that my step-dad being sick meant that I needed to emotionally care for my mom.

Come to today and I got a text from my mom telling me that my step-dad is being admitted into hospice. I don't know how to handle this information. I don't have another therapy appointment until Thursday but I emailed my therapist to see if there is anyway that I can see her sooner.

My knee-jerk reaction is to text back my mom and ask to see my step-dad. I want the opportunity to say goodbye to him and I also want to give that to him. But I have to think about the domino effect that has on my NC with my mom. Once he is dead she will officially have lost all of her immediate family, she has pushed me, my brothers, and my dad away. She has extended family but they are not in the area. I think that if I show up to see my step-dad then it will initiate me to have to be there for my mom. I cannot handle the emotional drain she causes me but I do love my step-dad. My mind is also going into panic mode because I worry that once my mom loses him she will have to face the fact that she has ruined everything else in her life and I don't want to know what dark road that will lead her down.

I guess I am asking for advice about your experiences and maybe some advice about a game plan that would allow me to see my step-dad and still maintain minimal contact with my mom?

I am planning on talking about this with my therapist but I needed to talk to people who understand it sooner than my appointment. Thank you in advance for reading this and any responses you may give.

[notrightinthehead]

Is there any way you could make happen what you want - say goodbye to step dad - without breaking contact with your mum?  Him dying does not automatically mean that you must take care of her since she seems to be an adult.  Of course you can grieve for your mum and where her choices in life have led her to, but you don't have to take responsibility for her.
You seem to have had a good relationship with your step dad. You want to say good bye to him. In my mind that is a totally different story as to what is happening with your mum. It does not have to be an opening for her.

[looloo]

If you trust the cousin enough to ask for hospice address info, then maybe you could do that.  And then follow up directly with the facility re-visiting.

But if even this is too risky, then I guess try to focus on how these are the consequences of your mother's actions - NOT YOURS.  I'm a big proponent of creating your own rituals to deal with these kinds of life experiences that should include loving family members, but in many cases, do not.

I'm sorry you're going through this. We get how painful and stressful it is.

[moglow]

Tryingtoheal, If your stepfather is in a separate hospice facility, can you contact them directly to see what their visitation policies are? Would this have to be in your mother's home? Regardless, remember that if you go to them you always have the option to leave at any time. Find your focus and do what's needed for your stepfather - your mother pushed you away and made it clear you weren't wanted. I'd probably respect that, and not be pulled in just because she finds herself alone or needy now.

I'm somewhat curious about this cousin and his/her motives - I'm assuming they know your situation with your mother? It's not anyone else's place to decide what you "should" do where your mother is concerned. Perhaps thank them for that concern and continue on as you will. Or perhaps don't respond at all, what's the point really. They voiced their [presumable] position and now you know what that is. It may not be meant maliciously, but it's still not yours to fix.

[Andeza]

If you want to see him, then go. (I'm going to assume he's in a facility) While I'm not certain how hospice works, I don't think you need to ask your mom anything, beyond perhaps what facility. If she asks if you're coming you could say something noncommittal like "I'm thinking about sending flowers."  Now I just put the idea of flowers in your head so you are, truthfully, thinking about it. You may be able to video call if the facility is willing, or you may be able to go and still never see your mom. Or you could try asking your cousin for the facility info.

Regardless, you can show up, and even if she's there, just treat her questions and words like those of a stranger, with no need to answer the ones you don't want to answer, and ZERO responsibility to "be there for her." That's not your job. When my grandfather died a few years ago, I didn't go to his funeral to support my uBPDm. I went for me. My 80something year old grandmother ended up clinging to my arm most of the time, but beyond needing the physical support, she asked nothing of me. Just said she was glad I came. Meanwhile my aunt was unable to do her own grieving properly because my uBPDm glomped onto her like a barnacle on a boat when I made myself quietly unavailable. And uBPDm, as it typical of pwPDs, tried to make drama out of nothing. I stayed out of it.

If you think going is right for you, definitely go. But be willing to protect yourself and refuse demands of support. Be prepared for your mom to ramp up the bad behavior because the spotlight isn't on her...

If you think not going is better for you, then don't.

You get to decide what is right for you in this situation.

[square]

I'm assuming he is at home and that your only options are not responding at all or dealing with your mom.

My personal thinking, and this would just be me, is that it would make me feel huge feelings, including rage, if I felt a toxic person came between me and my ability to say goodbye to a loved one. The kind of feelings that I would have a hard time processing.

I think I would write out an emotional battleplan. I don't know what your battlefield looks like but it might look like:

1) I will call the house. I will maintain Gray Rock. I will ask to speak with stepfather. If she refuses I will simply ask her to let him know I will be coming by at X time, thank you, and hang up befire she objects.

2) I will knock on the door. I will greet mother with Gray Rock, then proceed to see stepfather.

3) I will ignore mother as much as possible and focus on stepfather. I will GR as required.

4) I will accept that the visit will be short and filled with drama. I will consider it a victory that I saw stepfather and told him I loved him, no matter what else does or doesn't happen. I will accept that even if he is not conscious when I am there.

I've envisioned a hostile mother but perhaps she'll be waify. Or likely the above plan doesn't fit in any number of ways, but the point is to envision your obstacles, be emotionally hardened against them, and have options in mind.

And above all, a realistic objective. Accept it will be messy. Anything better will just be a relief.

As for the visit opening you up for future entaglements - it doesn't have to. You can show up and then resume no contact.

I do admit the boundaries thing is sticky here because we assume your stepfather wants to see you (open boundary) but your mother may restrict this (closed boundary). Your stepfather's boundary is not overruled by your mother's, but we all know we would not like a PD crashing in our house when not wanted. But I see it as your stepfather's boundary over your mother's in this situation.

Sorry, no personal experience here, but I figured more thoughts were better given the urgency imvolved.

[Tribe16]

Square, I like that you mapped out a battle plan scenario. I haven't done that before. I need to. Thank you.

Blakely, I'm sorry that you are losing your stepdad - it sounds like he must be a very strong person to put up with Mom and love you despite her machinations. I wish you both peace.

[tryingtoheal]

I think I would write out an emotional battleplan. I don't know what your battlefield looks like but it might look like:

1) I will call the house. I will maintain Gray Rock. I will ask to speak with stepfather. If she refuses I will simply ask her to let him know I will be coming by at X time, thank you, and hang up befire she objects.

2) I will knock on the door. I will greet mother with Gray Rock, then proceed to see stepfather.

3) I will ignore mother as much as possible and focus on stepfather. I will GR as required.

4) I will accept that the visit will be short and filled with drama. I will consider it a victory that I saw stepfather and told him I loved him, no matter what else does or doesn't happen. I will accept that even if he is not conscious when I am there.

Thank you so much for typing out this gameplay, it really made me think and forced me to sit down and evaluate all the things that could  happen in this scenario.

I struggle with whether or not my stepdad actually wants to see me, when I left my mom he was very angry with me and still is. On top of that my mom sent the same message about my stepdad going into hospice to my brother (who has never met my stepdad) that she did to me. She specifically said that "he would like to see you." So it all feels very disingenuous, but if I can see him I would like to show him that I do care about him and my mom for that matter but that at a certain point I had to put myself first.

The main issue that I am running into is the fact that my mom parentified me from a very young age and we were very emotionally enmeshed for years. Every time I see her I slip back into feeling like I need to take care of her. I have gotten a lot better at this but it's something I still really struggle with. I'm worried that in this heightened place of emotions I'll slip back into old ways. I recognize how unhealthy are enmeshment is but it's something that feels inevitable if she's in my life. Unfortunately, my therapist doesn't have any earlier openings this week so I am trying to process and come to a decision on my own.

I really appreciate the advice and quick response. At the end of the day I just wish things weren't like this.

[moglow]

Thinking about you, wondering how things are going. I wanted to share my experience, give you a little boost to do what's best for yourself here ...

Mother's never had much relationship with us/her children or anyone else really. When my stepfather was diagnosed with cancer and passed a few months later, she expected all of us to step in and take care of her. [Side note- I realized not long ago that all happened when mother was about the age I am now, she didn't require "care"!] She expected lots of visits and completely disregarded aforementioned lack of relationships. My brothers lived several states away, she'd not seen them or their families in years - but they were to drop everything for her?

I was closest, the expectation was that i'd fill that void. It was miserable! She'd show up at my house, unexpected and uninvited - I was renting from my brother and she had a key to his house so she'd just let herself in and there she'd be for days or week at the time. This went on for months. I understand, she's grieving, coping as best she can - but so was I! There was no recognition that I'd also suffered losses and wasn't handling it well, no compassion that I didn't have it to give myself much less her.

I remember her oft-repeated comment that my stepfather (supposedly) told her she couldn't count on us. Looking back now, I choose to see that as he *knew* what she's like, knew exactly why we weren't around much. He saw there was little relationship there and she'd be on her own to change it.
I won't even go into her sudden holiday demands/expectations. We'd not had *any* family gatherings since we all moved out of her home, but suddenly here we are. She had some image of how holidays should be and we were to step into Norman Rockwell like we had a clue ... No, she didn't share her ideas, we were to just make it happen or risk her wrath. We failed and it wasn't pretty.

Anyhoo, my point - no one else's expectations are about you. You don't have to become someone you're not to appease her. Remember why and how that no contact came about. Your relationship with her isn't likely to become all moonlight and roses with her stressed and upset.You know best what her typical responses are, but know too this isn't typical situation for her or anyone else.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first!!

[tryingtoheal]

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first!!

Thank you so much for your response, Moglow. Unfortunately my stepfather passed away on Monday. I was able to see him in the hospital but he was not conscious so I didn't get to have one final conversation with him. I am juggling my emotional entanglement with my mom and my own grieving process. I think that I am doing surprisingly well but some days are better than others. I appreciate the advice of putting my oxygen mask on first because it's true.
I have been leaning hard into the understanding that my mother is grieving and so am I. It was never my job to care for her and it especially isn't when I am struggling to care for myself. I have extra appointments with my therapist and have been trying to lean into my schoolwork because I know my stepdad would have been proud of me for going back to school (I never got to tell him I was back in school but I know he wanted me to be).
My mother has already begun to push everyone else away and she is grasping at straws to get me back, but I know it is not in either of ours best interests for me to be back in her life. I am encouraging her to contact family and friends as well as a grief counselor. It's not easy but I think I am handling it the best I can, I only wish I could have gotten one last hug from him before he went.

[square]

I am so sorry for your loss. This is such a blow.

[tryingtoheal]

I am so sorry for your loss. This is such a blow.

Thank you so much Square, I am trying very hard to stay positive and do what I can to take care of myself. After talking with my therapist, I was able to see even more the ways in which my mom prevented me from being able to see him one last time and I am furious with her and also empathetic of how much she must be hurting because of how mentally ill she is. I have been reading all of these responses to help support me in this time I just haven't had much energy to respond. But I appreciate everyone's support.

[moglow]

I'm sorry to see this, TTH. I was hoping you'd find a quiet moment to talk with your stepfather. I bet he knew more than you think, knew without a doubt how much you loved him. Try to refocus on that, on the good memories with him and find your peace.

Having empathy for your mother isn't a bad thing, just remember it's not the *only* thing. I'm sure she's hurting over the loss, but she's not the only one. Take this time to take care of yourself first, find things that soothe you. Your first responsibility really is to yourself.

[mary_poppins]

I understand you very well, trying to heal.
When I was NC with FOO it happened that my grandmother died and I really wanted to come back into the system (at least temporarily) to say goodbye. I did come back (and plan on resuming NC) so I have the chance to say goodbye to my grannie properly. I did say my goodbyes BUT it came at a great cost. The cost was mental and emotional abuse from both my parents as they saw me pinning for my grandma. They were both jealous and very difficult to deal with. I don't regret resuming contact, but I wonder if there is another way one could connect with a loved one on the death bed who is in close touch with the narcissistic parent. I hope you find the right answer deep inside you.

[tryingtoheal]

I understand you very well, trying to heal.
When I was NC with FOO it happened that my grandmother died and I really wanted to come back into the system (at least temporarily) to say goodbye. I did come back (and plan on resuming NC) so I have the chance to say goodbye to my grannie properly. I did say my goodbyes BUT it came at a great cost. The cost was mental and emotional abuse from both my parents as they saw me pinning for my grandma. They were both jealous and very difficult to deal with. I don't regret resuming contact, but I wonder if there is another way one could connect with a loved one on the death bed who is in close touch with the narcissistic parent. I hope you find the right answer deep inside you.

I'm so sorry for your loss and to hear you went through that. I ended up seeing him on Monday when he was admitted to the hospital, he wasn't conscious so I only hope that he heard what I said. Now it's the aftermath which I have always been more worried about. My mom is beginning to show more severe behaviors so I am hoping after the burial to have minimal contact or to go back to no contact. Unfortunately, I have always been very emotionally entangled with my mom so it is very hard for me to not want to support her no matter how badly she treats me. So far, everything she has done to me has been very subtle but we'll see how things pan out.

I wish there would have been another way to go about things but unfortunately he was on home hospice and then of course my mother was at the hospital. I feel so deeply for anyone going through a similar situation, grieving and death is hard enough already without having to deal with a PDed person.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[mary_poppins]

thank you, tryingtoheal