Entering the Parent's Home Territory

[j.banquo]

I've mostly recovered by now from the last time I interacted with my mother, which was on Sunday - five days ago.

It's been a few days since I intended to swing by the apartment where I live, under her house, to check on the cats, and pick up packages. Part of my motivation was to make sure that all of the packages were delivered first, so I wouldn't have to go back more than once.

There has been a lot of text correspondence over the days about packages: when they arrive, how many, where they are, what service delivered them, they will be in the rain, "should I put them in the garage," "I did it already since it's the neighborly thing to do" (I said "I am so sorry about the packages, I know it's a lot, you don't have to deal with them, don't worry. I'm really sorry." I'm not going to do that too many more times, lol... I've known exactly how to get her to lay off for ages: apologize for any random thing at all; choose anything. It feels awful every time; it should.)


There has also a lot of text correspondence about where I am. My plans have changed? I am coming back when I said? Here are the updates about where everyone else will be over the next two weeks, all at once? I have said, always, "I do not know, I am playing it by ear, I will let you know if I know something; it's impossible to let you know before I, myself, know."


Now that I've recovered enough from Sunday, I'm going back there in order to take care of my responsibilities to very nice cats (they get priority over me, since the cats can't get their own water and food, which I don't mind, since they are short, and have no opposable thumbs). I actually can't focus on my responsibilities at all, since all of my energy is now taken up by just anticipating being near that house, in fact the best thing I can do is focus on those feelings, but it is time consuming, oh my God.

I've been trying to sit with and get somewhere with the anxiety that has kept me from leaving, but that isn't realistic. I just have to jump on one of the calmer moments, and use that to propel myself towards the door.

I know I can expect to have to start the whole process over again, the whole five-day thing, starting this afternoon. Maybe not as bad, maybe worse, or maybe it won't happen. That can't keep going, but I still have no idea how I am going to pack things or clear that place out, or how to fill a cat feeder every seven days without losing it for five days afterwards.

[bloomie]

Hi there. This slipped down the page a bit before I saw it to respond.

Thinking you may have made that visit back to feed the cats. How are you doing?

Is there a friend who can go with you and help you pack up if that would be helpful?

I know I can expect to have to start the whole process over again, the whole five-day thing, starting this afternoon. Maybe not as bad, maybe worse, or maybe it won't happen. That can't keep going, but I still have no idea how I am going to pack things or clear that place out, or how to fill a cat feeder every seven days without losing it for five days afterwards.

It's true that every contact brings the potential for difficult interactions that take time to recover from. I hope you have had a chance to do some good self care and processing.

From what little I know of your circumstances this seems like you are in the hardest part of separating from your parent's home and all that living in such close proximity means and moving forward with your life.

Gathering tools and coping strategies to yourself, empowering yourself in when, how, what to communicate with them is going to ease some of this angst. You own your life. You own your personal information, emotions, priorities, resources, abilities.

I know you know this, but standing with you in solidarity - and because for a very long time I didn't know this 😳 you do not have to answer texts, you do not have to explain yourself. You can answer something saying what you need to say one time and then don't answer it over and over again. You can live wherever you want. You can live according to your own personal values and core beliefs and you don't have to justify, argue, defend, or explain that unless you choose to.

And... you do not have to apologize for anything when you haven't done something wrong. There are other ways to respond... or not... in a neutral way to your mother's insistence about packages, etc.

Part of us coming out of the fear, obligation, and guilt is to clearly and accurately communicate and to not use our words inaccurately to avoid someone else's uncomfortable emotions. That is what boundaries are for from all I have learned.

You are taking the steps and realistic about the difficulty. You are here getting support and doing the work. Keep moving forward and know that as hard as it is right now, it is worth every single step away to freedom, healing, and peace.

[Hazy111]

they get priority over me, since the cats can't get their own water and food, which I don't mind, since they are short, and have no opposable thumbs 

[j.banquo]

And, on my honor, I swear that pretty much the next thing that happened was:

• You are excommunicated, I have hidden all of your pets at this point, suddenly, and you will never see them again!
• Here is the location of the pets... I hid them two towns away, even though I know where they go to the vet... I don't explain why I decided to tell you.
• You are never welcome here again, except for during these two hours two days from now!
• I refuse to follow your explicit and reasonable requests for how I communicate! I will put others in danger and hold you responsible!
• Why didn't you get everything? You had plenty of time. What am I supposed to do with all of this stuff? I will STEAL IT! I want the whole world to know! I told them all!
• Hahaha, I am throwing away your mail, anything I deem unimportant! Let the whole world be my witness, and the Lord
• I will complain about non-existent damage to the people you hire!
• Silence

[Hilltop]

What does this mean, they have taken your pets and dumped them?

Have you been able to get them?

At this point, I would get your pets to safety and then move on to the next problem.  Get a place for you to live, away from your mother.  Then look at your next problem whatever that may be.  One step at a time.

First thing you need to do is get your pets and stop your mail being delivered there.

[j.banquo]

I've found the pets, and made very sure the place understands to only release them to me, ever.

I've had my mail held, but I don't have an address anymore; I got one but they returned everything to sender, lol...

I have made sure they don't know where I am since late October. But they know where I work, so I haven't been there. I thought I was being paranoid before they did this, but I wasn't being nearly cautious enough, in fact.



Yes, they took the pets, plain abducted them from my home, and boarded them somewhere I'd be unlikely to find them, intending to give them up for adoption, yes they did that.

So I couldn't defend myself against the other things without finding them first, since they would be enraged, and probably move them or something else crazy.

Then, they told me where they were, exactly when it was too late to address the other problems they created. But not too late for me to not waste my time trying, absolutely that.



It is far from over, though. And it's much worse than all of that.

I still have the problem of where to put the pets, since excommunication involved changing the locks on my apartment, throwing away whatever they wanted, and doing it all so fast I couldn't pack anything or file a lockout complaint, and have no idea what I own or don't own anymore.