Looking for a ritual or ceremony to say goodbye to NPD parents

[footprint33]

Hello all,

I was a regular on this website years ago but have not posted in a long time. It looks like my account is gone, so this will appear as my first post.

I have been NC with NPD parents for 6 years and was VLC with them for 7 years before that. They are both still alive, though they live very far away from me and I don't see them. There were numerous traumatic events with NPD parents over the course of my entire life, though the catalyst event occurred after the birth of my first child in 2009. The level of cruelty they unleashed on me shortly after the birth was enough to wake me up. I had been in a very bad car accident in 2002 and they also mistreated me very highly when I was recovering. The worst of my injuries included 3 skull fractures and a hematoma on my brain. I was completely incapacitated and they had me relocated to their home to "recover", which was horrible. Fortunately, I escaped all of that.

Although my life has gotten much better, I'm dealing with an issue that has emerged due to the death of an aunt. The extended family is very large because my father had 10 siblings and they all had kids. When I went NC, the entire family with the exception of one cousin who is also NC with her family turned its back on me. My parents are malignant and I know that they ran an effective smear campaign on me beginning when my firstborn was 4 weeks old. The aunt who died was my godmother, though she treated me fairly cruelly and was a righthand person to my parents. I have two brothers, one of whom I suspect is full-blown NPD, the other one is highly dysfunctional, though I don't think he's a sociopath. I have almost no contact with the latter, though things are civil, and none with the former.

My life has moved on in many good ways. I have two children and a great husband, and I do work that I love. But I still feel that this family, and by that I mean the large extended family and not just NPD parents (although my parents are part of it), hangs over me like a giant shadow. I am so grateful for my one cousin who is also NC with her family and with whom I have regular contact. There were similar patterns in her family and we are both the scapegoats.  However, I'm still feeling the need to get all of these people out of my head and life.

This has brought me to the realization that perhaps I need one or more rituals to get these people out of my body and mind for good. I have been in therapy since 2010 and have come a long way. But it seems that a final piece is missing. I have not seen any of the family members in over a decade, so I really need to move on from them. A therapist I had back in 2010 had mentioned that he thought I needed a ritual to say goodbye to my parents. He has now retired, but I remember what he said and it stays with me.

Has anyone here who is NC or even VLC ever done a type of ritual, ceremony or rite of passage to say goodbye to their abusive parents (or other abusive people) so that they can move on with their lives? I am a very visual and tactile person, and I think that this might help me.

Thanks if anyone knows of anything.
footprint

[guitarman]

Welcome back. I can relate to your post.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I have been no contact with her since our mother passed away two years ago. I don't want to see her ever again. She has caused so much chaos and trauma in our family for decades.

I call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. That has been a significant step in redefining our relationship. I care but can't cope any more. I have to put my own well-being first.

I have been following the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube for many years. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". It is also a podcast of the same name. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better.

One ceremony she recommends to do is to write all the hurtful things down then go outside and burn it. Do not send it to your abuser. Let it all go.

I also practice regular Mindfulness meditations. I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach www.tarabrach.com

I haven't yet done the burning ceremony. I have deleted all the answer phone messages my sister left. I don't know why I was keeping them.

I have yet to delete her number from my phone. That will be another step for me to take. I kept it so I know if she calls me not to answer it.

A cleansing ceremony is a rebirth for you to lead a peaceful and fulfilling life free from any further trauma.

I learnt from my Mindfulness practice that thoughts are not facts. They are just thoughts.

I have a choice how I react to them. I choose to be calm. I practise loving kindness to others and now myself.

We can work on building our self esteem. We can stop the cycle of abuse by our calm behaviour towards others. We can help support other people experiencing similar situations of abuse. That's how I cope. We can help raise awareness of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

Abuse thrives in the darkness. We can shine a light on it wherever it occurs.

I talk to myself out loud with my adult voice. My inner critic is still very strong. I say that I am not going to be abused any more and that I have done enough.

Maybe you could have a piece of jewellery made with an engraving on it. Maybe you could buy or make an artwork with some positive affirmations on it and put it on display in your house. You could plant a tree and watch it grow as a reminder to yourself of what you've achieved.

We can't change anyone else's behaviour we can only change and control our own. That is very liberating to realise.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[footprint33]

Thank you very much, guitarman, this is incredibly helpful.

I was also thinking that burning something would help with this process. One thing I've noticed is that it really helps me when I write things down or create letters to NPD parents that I don't send. For a long while, I was only writing the history down through this forum and one other forum I was on. That was helpful, though I think there is a release when we do it on our own. I will try writing as much of the history as I can muster and then burning it.

Years ago, I went to Burning Man and saw people standing by a very large wooden temple, writing things on the temple and crying. I was much younger and didn't really understand what they were doing, but I think I get it now. At the end of the week, the organizers burned the templed down. Recently, I've started looking up rituals involving burning to get over grief and injustice. I found a website that talked about using a fireproof bowl to burn items reminiscent of the person lost or slips of paper with words on them. However, the author said not to write people's names on the slips because if something bad happens to them, we could feel guilty. I'm a little confused about that because I envisioned writing the names of all family members on pieces of paper and burning them, as if to say goodbye to them with each burn.

I think that part of the problem for me is that my NPD parents and many of these other people are still alive. I don't wish death upon anyone, but I think it could bring relief for those of us who have had to deal with so much loss and grief while the people are still alive.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your words.
footprint

[Tried2bZen]

I don't recall where I read it, but one good resource recommended writing a eulogy for the toxic parents to find closure. It felt a bit weird to do it, but ultimately brought me some good insights and it moved me closer to closure.

[Boat Babe]

Thank you very much, guitarman, this is incredibly helpful.

I was also thinking that burning something would help with this process. One thing I've noticed is that it really helps me when I write things down or create letters to NPD parents that I don't send. For a long while, I was only writing the history down through this forum and one other forum I was on. That was helpful, though I think there is a release when we do it on our own. I will try writing as much of the history as I can muster and then burning it.

Years ago, I went to Burning Man and saw people standing by a very large wooden temple, writing things on the temple and crying. I was much younger and didn't really understand what they were doing, but I think I get it now. At the end of the week, the organizers burned the templed down. Recently, I've started looking up rituals involving burning to get over grief and injustice. I found a website that talked about using a fireproof bowl to burn items reminiscent of the person lost or slips of paper with words on them. However, the author said not to write people's names on the slips because if something bad happens to them, we could feel guilty. I'm a little confused about that because I envisioned writing the names of all family members on pieces of paper and burning them, as if to say goodbye to them with each burn.

I think that part of the problem for me is that my NPD parents and many of these other people are still alive. I don't wish death upon anyone, but I think it could bring relief for those of us who have had to deal with so much loss and grief while the people are still alive.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your words.
footprint

I think you can burn someone's name symbolically. You won't bring the wrath of the gods down on your head. If it helps, then it helps.

[footprint33]

Thank you, Tried2bZen and Boat Babe.

Tried2bZen, that's an interesting idea with the eulogy. When you wrote yours, did you write anything positive about them? My parents have acted in a very malignant way towards me, really throughout my life and all the way back as far as I can remember. I feel like I don't have much good to say about them, and I feel that eulogies often present the deceased person in a good light. I would be very interested to hear how you approached the eulogy you wrote.

Boat Babe, thank you and I really want to write all of the names and burn them. For me, it just seems like a possible way to get the person out of me, though wouldn't be done in any way to harm the person (like an effigy or something).

Thanks for this advice, I really appreciate it.
footprint

[Seven]

I did a burning ceremony.  It wasn't about my PDs though..  I wrote it almost 20 years ago.  It was about "why am I the way I am?"  Lots of self-reflection.  I held on to it for a long time.  Didn't want my uNPdexH seeing it (married at the time), so it was hid behind our bed frame.  I don't recall how long I held it, but once I was ready I gathered it and my two sons (teens at the time) and I burned it in my wood stove.  It was therapeutic. (To be clear, I did not burn my sons in the wood stove.)

Writing it out made me not want to be that person anymore (only later realizing it was fleas from my mother and
uNPDex)

[moglow]

I like and have done the ceremonial burning more than once - watching all my [and her] angry bitter words burn down to ash helps clear my mind and let go of things I don't need to hold on to. For me there's cleansing and peace in a controlled fire, almost a hypnosis if you will.

[serenitycalm]

I had to make sure that I had absolutely no items from my uPD parents. Not even a coffee mug. I am not able to have any framed photos of them in my home either. I don't even keep loose photos of them, I scanned what I wanted and got rid of hard copies.

I discovered this for myself over time. Washing or even doing a cleansing ritual for an item did not work for me personally. If I kept the item I'd be vaguely triggered each time I saw it.

Burning photos and papers helped. I thought of this all as housecleaning, including housecleaning for mind and soul.

If I had access to river/lake/ocean - I'd select a nice rock and toss it in, thinking on "let it go".

I've used a little light pleasant incense and a lit candle in the past to "clear" my space. Treats like a relaxing bubble bath help too.

I talk back to the negative messages from my parents that may arise in my mind. Any response from "whatever" to "f*ck off" works.

I imagine training my mind to turn towards what is healing. Even buying a little treat - fun stuffed animal, pretty scarf, inexpensive bracelet - can be a way to remind ourselves that we deserve safety and health.

Another theme I've used is "you have no power over me". I've set up cues to help myself feel safer, noticing that my front door is locked, that my house is tidy etc.

I've even stood up and mimed out pushing someone away with my arms. I have boundaries and am safe.

You can dream up colors you like, fragrance, music, anything you like for a ritual. You get to have fun and be inspired even as you go through this. 

[Boat Babe]

All of the above, but please don't chuck anything in our struggling water systems.

[feelingandhealing]

Hi Footprint. I very recently performed a burial exercise as recommended and described in Susan Forward's popular book, Toxic Parents. In my particular case, I had been NC with uNPDM for 14 months and then very quickly uNPDM passed away. So when I performed the burial exercise, I had an actual grave in a cemetery where I could perform the exercise. I took some dried flowers out to the gravesite and spoke the following (which I am quoting from the book and hopefully am not breaking any copyrights),

"I hereby lay to rest my fantasy of the good family. I hereby lay to rest my hopes and expectations about my parents. I hereby lay to rest my fantasy that there was something I could have done as a child to change them. I know that I will never have the kind of parents that I wanted, and I mourn that loss. But I accept it. May these fantasies rest in peace."

I found this exercise to be very therapeutic and although the healing is not complete, performing the exercise was very helpful and another part of the journey.

I hope you and others may find this exercise to be helpful

Be well and may your healing continue       

[footprint33]

Thank you so much for these additional recommendations, feelingandhealing and serenitycalm!

Serenitycalm, we moved about 15 months ago and I threw out so much stuff related to NPD parents at that time. It's amazing how much I had collected and was holding onto. It was a huge release to throw the items out. I will do what you suggest and throw a rock in the water, as well as clear my space, burn the candle, etc. These are all very helpful suggestions.

Feelingandhealing, thanks so much for describing the burial exercise and providing the quote from Susan Forward's book! That sounds like the type of thing I'd like to do. I have two questions. The first is: did you go to a random gravestone in a cemetery, and if so, how did you pick that particular site? Or was that a gravestone that had some connection to your uNPDM? Also, did you perform the ceremony alone or did anyone accompany you?

Thank you so much, I really appreciate this help.
footprint

[feelingandhealing]

Thanks for the questions. Happy to answer them and pleased that this burial exercise may be able to assist you on your journey.

I had been NC with my uNPDM for 14 months when she suddenly passed away. Four days before she died, I broke my NC and went to see her in hospital. I wasn't too sure what it was that I was going to say to her when I saw her, but I for sure was not going to discuss why I had gone NC. So long story (somewhat) short, I told her I was thankful that she gave me life and raised me. (My folks broke up when I was four and I was raised by uNPDM when Dad abandoned us). I also said a final goodbye to her. After she passed away, I attended her funeral. Per her wishes, she was buried. And although there is no gravestone on her grave-site yet, I performed the burial exercise literally at her grave-site. The cemetery where she is buried has many connections to her. She is now buried there and both my paternal and maternal grandparents are also buried there.

I performed the ceremony alone. I have received tremendous support from family, friends, therapists, online forums, etc yet I seem to get the most benefit from doing certain things (like performing the ceremony and visiting with uNPDM one final time) on my own.   

[Adria]

I wrote my parent's names on helium ballons, went to a cemetary, said "goodbye", and released the balloons.