My father has a (non-aggressive) cancer

[Ladymm]

Hi all,

in the last year I took my life back a bit. Until April 2021 I was working in my fathers company which deals with transport. I graduated from law but never really worked in the field because I felt something was wrong with me and I learnt it only last year - I have ADHD - this is why I was feeling inefficient. Mixed with some gifts from childhood PTSD of course, but lets say because of the latter I wasn't able to elaborate the ADHD symptoms and translated them as incompetence. However, ADHD is a real thing which has something in common with having narc parents - it makes you hit a wall of denial and invalidation because people can't comprehend.

However, in my father's company(where I went to work because I needed money and he paid well), when I started,he said that we might do some accounting by ourselves (the company has an external accountant), which we then didn't. Otherwise, mine was an elementary administration job, where I had to input and control invoices. Needless to say, it was painful for an educated person like me to be stuck there. We didn't then do accounting, but anyway he sent me to do accounting courses, and also customs administrations courses only to tell me I will never do any of that. When I became very insistent on why we don't accounting he said that he doesn't give a shit about this and that I can do whatever I want, which I couldn't,  because like he was the boss? But he had no problem I had to cook coffee and did the archive, while his co owner's son was learning all about the trade of logistics. It is funny because his game was good and he was killing my ambition slowly and steadily, like it wasn't by purpose. If he only had wanted it, he could have trained me to do logistics or even supported me in starting doing accounting and help me develop. But no.

One day he called me and said my sister (the golden child) would come to work and that she would do logistics. Ok she had some experience in logistics but  this is not an excuse - he could have trained me to do logitics in the long 5 years I was stupidly working for him. This pissed me off and I resigned in the same phone conversation.

After this my mother was calling me like I did something to my father, like how poor he can't sleep. she called me with the narc tone you probably all know and went on with how poor he is.  My father is otherwise the poor poor in our narc family ecosystem, besides my sister, while my mother is the narc overlord.

In this year I was at home and I did the bar exam of my country and even I am 35 it gives me a feeling of strength. My husband supported me in this for which I am grateful to him. It was tough but the bitterness became my fuel. There was no way back. I believe this bar exam will be a ticket for a better future.

I did the exam only last week and today I learned my father has cancer. It is a non aggressive prostate cancer. but..I feel under attack. Already today my mother tried to vacuum me in, like ah you are at home come visit us , we go for a walk ( ) and I feel it might become again my mother calling and trying to press on me and putting me down, telling me I have no heart and that I feel no shame etc. which makes me feel like sh$t. But today it was just like nice words..that how happy they are of my achievement (the exam) and I surely need some money they can give it to me, because I don't work  (no thanks - they like to buy you with money, plus I said no parties and no gifts)

I feel like because of my father's illness I can't pursue my goals of going far from them. I live in an apartment of their property and want to move away. Also the FOG gets triggered because I said I will visit them on thursday with my husband, which is a boundary. I don't want to visit them any more than until now, which is like once a month. But she will press on me I mean the time of illness is the scapegoat's time to shine and show what they were trained for,no? But sadly for the puppet master, I cut my strings..but even tho I am able now to put boundaries the confusion in me is still a vortex of unpleasant feelings.

I think my father will just do the operation and should be ok. But honestly, and this is the safe place to write it and I feel I must write it - I don't feel anything when it comes to his illness. I just, in healthy egoism, get triggered about my own emotional safety, the feeling of danger is related just to this. I don't have a fear he will suffer or something, I just feel like if he will suffer, I will suffer because my mother will have better excuses to put me down if I will set my boundaries. I guess i loved my father when I was a child, but then when we moved away from my grandparents were we lived all together, to our own house, he showed the face of the coward and enabler who was unable to protect me that he in reality is. And this is when my heart closed on him.

My general and most heart felt feeling is that it would be easier if most of my family just vanished in thin air so I guess it is normal that in times of risky diseases I don't feel any kind of whatever resembles sadness or an impulse to connect.

Thank you for your feedback.

[SunnyMeadow]

Ah, illnesses are the ultimate hoover for them! Surely the words illness and especially cancer will reel Ladymm back to us.  The thing is cancer doesn't change a thing. In fact it can definitely make the whole relationship worse.

I feel like because of my father's illness I can't pursue my goals of going far from them. I live in an apartment of their property and want to move away.

Please don't let this keep you from making your own life away from them. That's what children are supposed to do. Make your own good life with your husband and disengage from your parents. They don't need you to keep on living, they can do it just fine on their own. Think about all the years you've been there for them, are things better? In my case the answer is NO. I was in my mother's back pocket for years. Didn't help her anxiety, sadness at a difficult life (I should write a book, she says  ) or hard times dealing with so many people who are mean to her.  Sadly even though I was there all the time, it didn't make her NPD go away.

An older relative in my family had prostate cancer. He had the operation and is still here 20 years later! Same with a neighbor, he's still here 30 years later. Don't let this diagnosis drag you back into the turmoil with them. If I were you, and I was... I'd look up and put into practice a few coping skills if you aren't going full no contact:

* Observe don't absorb
* Medium chill
* Gray rock
* You're always busy, busy, busy
* and even, "don't speak to me that way" I did this once and wow, my mom immediately stopped her sh*t talk and backed off

They are exhausting so please always put you and your husband first because they certainly won't do it.

[Ladymm]

SunnyMeadow,

thank you for your reply.

I will try my best to stay away from them. I am trying to find a job now and I want to rent an appartment of our own. My mother wants me to live in their apartment because she likes to fix people to her using money and possessions. Al kind of guilt and unpleasant mixed feelings, plus rumination fill my mind when I think how good it would feel to just rent a place and go in the next months, but then I think how she will go to maximum drama and call me with THAT shitty voice and tell me how my now ill father is worried. I wouldn't even know what to reply her and yes, I am still triggered and automatically project on myself that I am a disgusting human being for making drama and taking the stage in THIS moment.

Its funny how the devil seems to be on their side and even though I made the exam which gave me a great feeling of power to separate from them, now the cancer happened. Like - no, you are not getting anywhere. I don't even  know whether I should be going to a therapist or an exorcist really. Obtaining my personal power feels like a fight with giants. I feel energetically depleted and the rumination makes it worse..and the rumination I don't know whether it is just a habit or an indomable cry from within.

This words will feel a bit narc maybe, but I really feel like my parents are the cancer to my soul