I saw it coming

[Lauren17]

He flip-flopped!!
I was suspicious going into this informal negotiation. Just when I thought we were going to close on a plan, he did a complete about face, and we're back where we were a month ago!
I lost my "chill" and I JADed.
I think I'm just as angry and frustrated with myself as I am with him. 
Thats all. Just a mini vent to those who understand.

[Penny Lane]

I'm so sorry! DH's ex ALWAYS does this when it feels like they're close to an agreement. It is so, so frustrating.

All you can do is keep the case moving forward and hope that he has an incentive to settle at some point.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I appreciate posts like this because it helps to prepare myself for my own divorce.  I wanted it over 6 months ago.  I am in a good place right now with my patience; there is only so much I can control.  I speed up what I can.  My GR is helping because I see that he knows he can't trigger me so he's slowly stopped trying.  Life is getting more complicated for him (his financial gravy train is no longer) so he's motivated to move forward. 

Next month, we are doing a mediation with a retired judge with our attorneys.  The plan is to take 3-4 hours and get it all done.  We'll see....I can see it working.... I can also see him totally reversing and changing his mind.   No way to predict this guy 

[hhaw]

I suggest getting everyone to agree ahead of time to handwrite any agreement at the settlement conference, sign right there and have your attorney walk it to the file clerk's office, file it and hand you a stamped copy THE DaY of any agreement struck.

This isn't normal, but it shows you're Uber willing to settle.  It also will point out the PD's desire to waste the Court's time faffing about with game playing IF he refuses to sign the handwritten Agreement, ime.

This has a chance if working for you if you have a bottom line list of reasonable things you must have, stick to them and give up pretty much everything else while appearing to care about them, ime.

IME the PDs are pathologically unable to agree to anything.  They want to take things, not agree on things.  They also want to faff absolutely it pretending to settle so you have to pay your attorney to " craft" the pretend Order.  Once it's done the OD typically changes their mind and decides to go to trial after all the trial prep stopped, the court dates and hearings were cancelled and you thought it was over, only to get punched in the gut...... devastating, ime

I suggest NOT cancelling ANY trial dates UNTIL you have a filed and stamped Agreement IN YOUR HAND.  This isn't common, but you can insist..... it can be done.

You can also accept a trial is often the quickest way out of divorce court with a PD. 

Document well.  Do not waste energy fearing trial court.  You will present a case you can back up with EVIDENCE while the PD has very little, if any, evidence of the crazy accusations they've made, ime.

Make sure your attorney asks for your 🚨 yet fees IF you're forced into a trial.  That retired Judge overseeing your settlement conference will tell your Judge what happened, should no Agreement be reached.

You want the present as reasonable, consistent, calm and ready to settle with that handwritten agreement at the conference.  You want to give up things and appear super willing to be the grown up in the room.

Let the PD do what they do and don't let your attorney talk you into cancelling dates till you have that filed and stamped copy in your hand.  Avoid appearing pushy and know it all.....or bitchy.  And agressiv e.  Those things can get you punished.

Rather, be super eager to settle, overtly helpful and ready to scrape this divorce off everyone's plate.

The retired Judge will likely have a good track record for settling cases.  You're trying to force the PD to SHOW everyone their true colors with economy if motion, time and expense.

Again, assume the PD will insist on going  to trial and do not stop trial prep.  Ever.

Do not cancel trial dates or hearings or depositions until the Agreement is DONE and filed, stamped and in your hand.

Do not fear trial.  It's often the quickest way OUT, ime.  Expect the PD to lie, fake agree to things and drag things out so you don't have money for trial.  Keep moving toward the exit, even if they say they're settling IF they refuse to sign that handwritten agreement!

Good luck.  This too shall pass.

[Lauren17]

PFNW, we went through mediation several weeks ago. I honestly thought it would be to "work everything out" we spent the entire time, even more than allotted, on one topic! And it wasn't resolved. And it is the same topic this post is about.
So, be prepared going into mediation. Know your points. And know there may be attempts to derail.
I'm now seeing that this informal negotiation is really about uNPDh getting lots of supply. He's not going to compromise. So, I'm struggling with how to appear willing settle, while stopping the supply. Any ideas?
The only think I can think of is to set a date for discussion to end, but it feels too late for that.

[SonofThunder]

As PlantFlowers stated, I appreciate posts like this, and informative replies, which i will reference in the future if needed.  Sorry this occurred to you, and the frustration that follows. 

SoT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I'm taking in all this advice and will collaborate with my attorney about conditions to be agreed upon.  I'll take the risk that this will work, but I'll try and set it up for success. 

My husband is broke and really is motivated to sell the house to get some money. I might slow down that so he moves forward with the mediation and commits to it.

[Penny Lane]

I'm now seeing that this informal negotiation is really about uNPDh getting lots of supply. He's not going to compromise. So, I'm struggling with how to appear willing settle, while stopping the supply. Any ideas?
The only think I can think of is to set a date for discussion to end, but it feels too late for that.

My advice: Keep the court case moving forward. Don't agree to delay hearings. You can keep coming to the table to negotiate (thus appearing and being willing to settle) without giving up your timeline for a resolution.

[hhaw]

Yup yup yup.  What Penny Lane said.

IF the PD settles, it's more likely to be on the  courthouse steps the morning of trial so keep setting hearing and trial dates while pressing forward on both, without fail. 

Lean into trial, always, for the above reason AND so you're prepared for trial and avoiding disappointment over failed settlement discussions/pretend agreements the PD backs out of ( bc the attorneys failed to agree to handwrite any Agreement for litigants to sign so it's filed and stamped BEFORE attorneys take hearings and trial dates off the calendar so you're starting the process over again, which is demoralizing, ime.)

Once one understands the PD's tricks, extended chaos and confusion drop away and one is left with limited chaos and confusion, ime.

One shortens the route to a Final Order, best case scenario.  Or not.  It ends with more or less suffering, either way.  It ends.

[Poison Ivy]

Many cases (not just divorces) settle the day that the trial is scheduled to start. The prospect of going in front of a judge or court commissioner in a few hours can work wonders on people who are seemingly intransigent.