How to Explain About the Effects of Ongoing Abuse to Strangers?

[j.banquo]

This is a tricky one.

After having met several great new people, I've repeatedly had to cancel things, seem like I'm ghosting them, or push deadlines ahead by weeks several times. I know I have the skills to do this without seeming crazy, needy, intense, or like I'm lying. I've done it a little, but it's starting to feel stale. I'm just being really honest, like "this is an inappropriate level of information, but it's so weird and abnormal that I have to mention it."

I'd like to know how others have handled it...

It's because certain people keep creating horrible emergencies, like now I have no housing, no address, no idea where my checkbook or social security card or passport or birth certificate are, no access to existing mail like a new debit card for one that expired, all sorts of things like that. Over and over, for months, getting worse.

[Penny Lane]

I'm not quite sure what you're asking here - are you saying that you are canceling on people because you are suddenly homeless? Or am I misunderstanding?

In general I would say you are allowed to explain to whatever degree you feel comfortable with, whether that's a lot or a little. You certainly can explain the effects. But you're in no way obligated to.

[1footouttadefog]

I hope your circumstances improve soon!!

To answer your questions only give as much info as you feel comfortable or that is appropriate given your level of intamacybwith the others.

Something generic like

I hope I don't seem like I am avoiding you , things are just complicated right now.

I hate to seem so _________, but I am in a rough place now with alot going on, I will get back to you......Or I will touch bases again next week, month

Things are a little ......... I am playing catchup and will be able to address this better next.......Or can we reschedule for ........

[j.banquo]

Here is the dilemma: I've already postponed or cancelled things 3-5 times (per person), with people who barely know me, because a PD group keeps doing stuff that monopolizes my time, since the problems they create are so urgent and serious. I actually have no way to stop them, if they want to keep doing it. Normally I would.

I need to find a way to tell people that there's a disruptive situation, I don't know when it will end, and I'm going to keep seeming flaky... but I swear I'm not lying... sigh...



I've said, kind of in this order to each person:

• Things got crazy, I'll get back to you.
• I went off-grid for a bit but I'm back.
• A lot of urgent problems have come up, it isn't usually like this.
• I wouldn't push this deadline again unless I absolutely had to, I swear I'm not actually flaky.
• I know this doesn't sound real, but __________ stole my _____________, set my _______ on fire, and emptied my checking account. I know it's an inappropriate amount of info to share, but the situation is so weird and extreme, and disruptive, I really just had to. I didn't see this coming. Because it has created so many problems, I'm completely busy fixing them right now.

So having used all of those, breaking promises to the same person 5 times, I still don't know if the PD crew will attack again.

When someone new cancels 3-5 times in a row, I'm either going to be wondering what on earth is going on, or give up on them.

[j.banquo]

I hope your circumstances improve soon!!

Thank you

I have a feeling that this is going to drag on for quite a while.

I'm at least feeling better every day: they decided to excommunicate me before I could abandon them; not having to handle them is a huge weight lifted.

My circumstances should improve soon too, but it'll probably be a while until I have a stable place to live. Probably months.

[1footouttadefog]

I was going to say that it might be time to consider your connection with the chaos creates, and here they quit on you.

I hope you find a place to live soon.  Start imagining your peaceful safe place to live and let this drive your efforts. 

Hot tea and a magazine on a porch or balcony, a hot bath, sweeping and dusting to your favorite music, tipping a pizza guy or Chinese takeout guy before opening that nice smelling hit food on your table top, having your favorite clothes all ironed and ready to wear hanging in your closet, a few flowers or a bamboo 🎍 lant in a vase somewhere, buying a little piece of art for the bathroom.

You will be there soon.