Gift tags

[inHistime]

Over the span of a week and half...I went from feeling empathy for my DH, to seeing the damage and fog return.
I've been NC w/ ILs for over 6 years. ILs haven't seen or spoken to the kids either. DH very little contact through text. But the kid's Christmas and birthday presents continue.
Kids Christmas presents from ILs had switched tags (DS labeled DD and vice versa) which wouldn't normally be a big deal BUT in the past MIL did that and had a royal hissy fit when my young DS mentioned it. She called the kids names and stopped calling them over it. It felt intentional that she would do it again, especially after 6 years. that irritated me, but tried to just forget it.  Christmas day FIL texts DH and asks for picts of the kids. Mind you I haven't shared picts with them since 2015. (long story short MIL accused me of sending "bad" picts to her and sure I sent "good" picts to everyone else, and I was using a pict of my DD hugging me, her MOM, to hurt MIL) so ya I done with picts. DH was so filled with anxiety about the request he jumped every time his phone made a noise, he made a great decision and turned off his phone and enjoyed Christmas with us.
A week and half later, its DS birthday. Once again a very carefully worded label on the present, about it being late but she sent it anyway. it wasn't late?  (another MIL hissy fit when a bday present was late years ago. DS was trying to tell her about his cake, and party etc, MIL just kept wailing but MY present isn't there, why is MY present late!) not knowing when kids bdays are is also a jab at me. (another long story)  I ask DH if he read the label, he immediately shuts down and says he doesn't care, doesn't want to know what she said. I mention later to DH that the bday label bothered me, and he says at least they send presents!
I feel like I have had such peace the past 6 years. I hate that this little open door of sending gifts still makes me feel violated. They're not gifts from a loving Gma, they are a manipulation. MIL even told me long ago that when SIL would take her D away from them, she would still send presents to keep that gchild on her side. It just hurts because I saw how DH didn't want an interaction with them on Christmas, but the little reminders on the tags of how I'm the problem or whatever, turned it around on me. Thanks I mainly just needed to walk through this stupid scenario. I just get sensitive when she uses our kids to mess with me, hence the NC.

[serenitycalm]

This all would bother me too. inHistime, I'm glad your husband was able to turn off his phone for awhile and enjoy the holidays.

Maybe there are some ways for you to firm up your boundaries and take back your power. You could toss those gift tags into the garbage like the weak fading trash that they are. You could come up with empowering stories about being able to remove that triggering "charge" on the items your MIL sends. You are the queen of your own household. Items coming into your domain go through decontamination automatically. All the attempts at curses are not allowed to enter your house.

The photo situation sounds potentially excruciating. How yucky.

Your MIL will keep trying to trigger you. You can return to being unavailable. Praise yourself for noticing what is going on, practice extra good self care, and then figure out ways to rebuild your safety walls.

When I am triggered I feel anxious and hyper vigilant. Everything challenging seems magnified. Humor can help deflate all this. I eventually, hopefully, stop adding fuel  to the trigger. I withdraw from the drama.

Your MIL's behavior sounds ridiculous. As do my own dysfunctional family members. Ultimately silly, behavior that doesn't actually serve them or anyone. I imagine myself physically blocking and shoving the abuse back out the door.

None of us have time for abuse. We already "paid at the office", we've been there and done that. 

[inHistime]

Thank you serenitycalm! "Items coming into your domain go through decontamination automatically." Beautiful!  I could normally just look at all attempts as pathetic and ridiculous. I think I was really feeling for my DH and his reaction to them asking for photos. I was thinking I would have been reacting that same way a few years ago. I just wanted to walk through it with him. If it was just the gift tags alone, I probably wouldn't have even gotten offended. Sometimes I just want to be allowed to say, I don't like this, this isn't right, and move on. But instead of getting annoyed at her for her actions, he's annoyed at me for pointing it out and not being okay with it.
Thanks for the listening ear, and sorry for whatever dysfunction you're dealing with.

[bloomie]

inHistime - what in this world is it with the games around gifting? I am so sorry that you aren't able to be really honest about this petty, ongoing stuff, with your mil's gifts for your kiddos to your DH. I am really glad you shared here where we don't even have to be there and we absolutely get how there can be small, but important red flags linking to past/present hurtful behaviors.

[Cat of the Canals]

It's funny that in a "normal" family, something like a mixed up gift tag would be nothing, probably not even remembered. But it's exactly the kind of thing PDs latch onto and make a "thing" with all sorts of hidden meanings and agendas. My MIL does the same types of things.

When my husband's brother died, we decided not to attend the funeral for a variety of reasons, but we decided to send some food to his parents' house. My husband specifically asked me to address the package to STEPDAD & MOM LASTNAME. He wanted his stepdad to feel included, partially because his mom was acting like she was the only one grieving and partially just to be nice. Ever since then, MIL has sent us a variety of cards and gifts always addressed to both of us in the most bizarre way. She's sent us a lot of things in the past and always addressed them normally. My husband immediately said, "She's mad we included [stepdad] on the gift basket, so she's doing it back to us."

[inHistime]

Yes Bloomie, I just want to able to be open and honest with DH. Which is absolutely the norm for us, mil is the exception which is his coping mechanism from childhood I think. DH has made great strides for sure, but still feel like I'm not allowed to have MY true feelings when it comes to ils situation.

[Hilltop]

PD's love to send messages with their gifts, it's such thing and it's probably such a thing because it often works.  Knowing that the tags are a trigger, I would cut the tag off without reading it and throw it away.  Or burn it while you tell yourself that you are burning her negativity from your happy occasion. Or let your child open the present and don't read the tag and then throw the tag away with the wrapping, not read, not noticed.

Leave it up to your husband to send any thank you message or pictures or holiday messages. Let NC be exactly that, NC.  The thing is we can't stop them from doing this stuff, they will continue however they feel they can.  They do it to get that reaction, to get that jab in. The one thing we can change is how we react.  We don't have to accept their jab.  She may send the nasty tag but she can't make you read it.  You have way more power in this than what you feel.

I think sometimes we do read it to prove to ourselves that they are still the same, that they are still trying to hurt us, to try to prove a point that they are the ones that are the trouble.  You don't need to be proven right.  In your heart you know what she is doing, so step out of the game.  She can send what she likes but you have the ability to simply cut that tag off and bin it straight away and leave the present as simply a present to be opened.  If you know tags are her hate message then don't allow that hate message in your house.  That's how I would move forward.  Telling her you are upset will probably make her happy, her dig landed where she wanted.  No reaction will leave her frustrated.

Your husband can't make her stop her behaviour either and bringing this negativity into your special occasions dampens the memories.  Is it worth it over what's written on a tag.  When you think about it, is that all your MIL has got?  She can't get at you by any other means than a tag.  She hasn't got much has she.  Don't let her ruin your nice memories.  You have the ability to let this go and not let it get to you, leave her nastiness with her.  Well done on protecting yourself so well that your MIL has to send messages on a tag to get to you, you have succeeded in keeping yourself protected enough that she can't get to you in any real way with any real meaning.  I understand the tags remind you of past hurts, but they are in the past.  PD's pick up on what hurts us and they continue with that theme because it works.  This is simply what she is doing, old tricks because she can't get at you any other way.  What if, she couldn't get at you this way either, what if you didn't read the tags, threw them out.  Then what has MIL got, what else can she do?

Feel good on the self protection measures you have done that have worked so well.

I use to get upset that DH would get upset that I brought certain issues up.  I eventually came to see that he can't stop MIL from doing what she is doing. He can't control her. I wanted support as well but I did come to see that MIL also wanted to create divide in our marriage.  If your husband tells your MIL to knock it off, she will be happy, she got that reaction, she got that divide, she upset you.  You want your husband to feel what you feel but he simply may not be bothered by it.  Your true feelings may not be his true feelings.  Perhaps at this point talking about your MIL issues may be better with a good friend or therapist.

At the end of the day these are your emotions and in the end I had to work through them to find a place I was ok.  I would say you need to work through your past hurt and then what your MIL does in the now maybe won't affect you as much.  I stopped talking to my husband about my hurt because in most cases MIL was doing things to create that divide, my husband couldn't see it, it's his mother, so many of the things they do are passive aggressive.  I later found out my MIL was acting one way with me and saying another to my husband to further create an illusion that I was crazy.  Once I took myself out of the game my MIL was left spinning things on her own and it simply didn't work.

I know you want your husband's support however in this case if you are triggered I would work on your emotions.  I would work on getting past that trigger point.  It would be nice if our husbands saw the dysfunction but lots of the time they can't.  Try to see past that to the point where he managed to switch off his phone and enjoy Christmas.  He may not be able to be supportive in this particular matter now but perhaps with time he may be.  Perhaps therapy would be a great place to talk about your true feelings.  Our feelings on the matter clash sometimes with our spouses and it's not easy juggling that.  As you say your husband has his own baggage associated with his mother.  I am not sure what the answer is but try not to let your MIL's negativity affect your home and family, try to leave it with her.

[inHistime]

Cat of the canals, words are meant to say things, even how they address things. absurd for sure!

[inHistime]

Thanks Hilltop. Tags just thrown out is the future plan! I think Fil asking for photos was more the trigger, the tags just added to it. I was more upset that it DID affect my DH than the actual action by ILs. I really appreciate your point that he,DH, can't DO anything about it. That helps me see it from his view, I just want to talk about it, but he will want to fix it, and that's frustrating for him.  All the boundaries we've used have worked quite well, and you're right, if gift tags is all she had, then that's not much is it!