Is this self-isolation or self-care?

[pianissimo]

These days I find being around my friends difficult. I find them irritating. I want to have distance.  I sense something is not right on their end. I don't think I can have an honest conversation with them. As you might have seen me mention before, we usually carpool together. My initial thought was to carpool with them once or twice a week and keep distance at other times. But, today, I find myself exhausted after spending time with them. I'm ruminating about things said and done. Now, I'm wondering if I should simply opt out of the carpool altogether. When I'm with them, I feel like I'm displaying thought patterns of preoccupied attachment style, like why did x do this, why did z say this, and when I think of  opting out of the carpool altogether and stay away at least for a while,  I wonder if this would be a behaviour pattern of an avoidant attachment style. But, then, in my experience, when I end up in these kinds of situations, people would have checked out of the friendship already.

[1footouttadefog]

From what you described there were some strange dynamics in the carpool.

Maybe just drive yourself for a while. This will make you a more confident driver.  After a break you could test the waters by getting to get her with one or two for coffee. Or you might not feel the need to pick back up and that is okay.

I understand you worrying that you are isolating.  I would likely try not to make it all or nothing for this reason and would touch bases after a rest and see how I felt then.  Or in the break I might work out what is wrong and not bother if it's a deal breaker. 

Do you have non carpool folks you can hang out for some contrast and perhaps gain perspective?

I hope you are able to process this in a way that leaves you in a healthier place even if it requires hard decisions.  Stay strong and be true to who you are.

[pianissimo]

Thanks for your reply 1footouttadefog.

I think that I will simply opt out of the arrangement for the rest of the year and I think I will avoid people for a while. I need to work more anyways. It will be weird in days when I go to work by coach while they drive, and, they may take it confrontational, but, so be it.  If they become offended, I'm just too tired to care. I suppose, a part of me is afraid I will be scapegoated for the dysfunction we have been having, but, I think I can take it. The thought of this is making me very sad. That, when I do this, I will be the one who is causing the problem. I would normally not care being misunderstood like this, but the process of learning to drive was so challenging psychologically, it left me feeling so abandoned, it would be hard for me to stay indifferent if something like that came up. In general, detaching myself from this folk with this much hurt, anger and resentment will be very difficult. I feel like I'm battered, and circumstances require me to walk away without showing anger or sadness. I wonder what makes me feel like I should bottle these feelings up? I don't know, perhaps, if they ever ask what's up, I should tell them I'm sensing a conflict that's not talked about, and them assuring me everything is alright is not enough, so I'd rather commute to school on my own. This actually makes me wonder if I would feel better if I told them I'm opting out of the carpool, because things don't feel alright with me. Pretending things are alright feels so exhausting. The idea of me telling them "Look people, I will break ranks because this arrangement has stopped making sense to me for a while." feels fair. I guess, I would like to speak more about what feels wrong solidly without asking them for anything, something that would communicate "This is who I am, what happened here is not OK with me, go do your own thing without me, I'm still here."

[Lauren17]

I feel like the conversation with your carpool group would be a good opportunity to use this communication method. (I can't remember the name of it)
When I experience ____, I feel _____.  I need _____, if that doesn't happen, I wlll_________.
In your case, maybe it looks like:
When I experience unspoken tension, I feel my blood pressure rising.  I need peace in the mornings. If that doesn't happen in carpool, I will take a break and find  a new way to get to work.
This states your need, gives them an opportunity to respond, and clearly shows your forward intent.  Also, it's non-threatening. (hopefully) 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi there. I hope you're ok.

It sounds like in this situation you can't quite put your finger on what's wrong about it. That's a good indication that taking a step back to clear your head is warranted.

As for dealing with your friends in the meantime, perhaps a BIFF sort of message would be most appropriate. Especially since you aren't clear yourself on what is the problem or what exactly you want to communicate. Keeping it simple, you need to just put your head down and focus on work at least until the end of the year. You'll take care of getting yourself there and back, thanks! Some space may make it all much less overwhelming and just give you a break. Sometimes when I am spinning my wheels about something my thoughts are no longer helpful to me until I take that break.

All of us have avoidant or preoccupied behaviors or thought patterns from time to time. Sometimes avoiding a person or situation is the healthiest choice we can make. What matters is if you are doing it all the time, in situations where it really doesn't make sense.

Enjoy your bus rides! Maybe you can find something you especially enjoy listening to it a book to read during that time.

[1footouttadefog]

Good friend ends would be happy you were driving they would not make tension when you returned . They would ask about the driving and carry in like normal. 

Did you get stuck in that traffic at x and 43rd the other day, it was aweful.   How are you liking thebdriving, ready for sports car yet?

Normal chit chat.that it's not, means there are issues and you sense this and know the truth.

You may never get to the bottom of it. From what you described though the main driver was creating a strange dynamics and seemed a bit controlling in a way.

Get in the car and explore some new places and find some new ways to socialize. You are mobile now and can expand your horizons as you are ready. 

It  the mean time enjoy work and becoming an ever increasingly better driver.  Maybe plan a day trip to another town or village and have a mini vacay.  You did it, your a driver now.

[pianissimo]

Thank you all. I realized that my confusion comes from the failure to name what exactly is the problem, as Call me Cordelia also points out. I mean, I know that I'm treated badly, but, it's so subtle, I cannot bring it up. And, I think, it hurts me too, so I was feeling like checking out. Once I thought of focusing on the behaviour I want to refuse, I felt less confused as to how to proceed. But, still, I can't pinpoint the aggression in the behaviour. The only thing I can think of is inconsistency. Like, with this guy, in summer, we made plans to carpool together. I had told him about my thoughts about moving near work, and he told me not to go, that we would figure a way to commute (work is located far). I bought the car so that I could help out with carpooling. He actually helped me to buy the car. Again, in summer, we talked about me learning to drive... etc. Up until a couple of weeks, he was all cool with driving to work four days a week, but, suddenly, he is now available for two days a week. After all these plans, here I am, on my own. Suddenly, I'm left to my own devices. The change in attitude feels drastic to me, and the lack of explanation communicates distance and rejection. But, if you ask me what he did wrong, I have no answer.  I just know that I don't want to be treated this way in my friendships.

When I thought about communicating what exactly feels wrong, I could come up with a text message like this:

"Dear X, I know that I haven't brought this up sooner, but, lately, the arrangement with carpool has been too confusing for me. I don't know what motivated the changes, but I need a heads-up in these kinds of situations, otherwise, it feels aggressive to me. You must have your reasons, and I respect your privacy, but I need consistency. So, starting from next week, I will opt out of our carpool arrangement. Thanks for the rides you have given me until now."

To me this feels BIFF and also it fits the communication template Lauren17 recommended.

Edit: I had to translate this text to my native tongue, and to my communication style. The message turned into something like this:

Hi mate, how are you doing. So, I know that I haven't brought this up sooner, but the change in our carpool schedule felt a bit out of nowhere and confused me. These kinds of abrupt changes feel a bit aggressive to me. I'm someone who likes talking things through. I feel like our circle has gotten quiet lately and there is a breakdown in communication. As a chatterbox, this is against my nature, so starting from next week, I will drop out of our carpool arrangement and will commute to work by coach. Thanks for the rides you have given me so far, and sorry for any trouble I might have caused. Best

P.S.  1footouttadefog, I decided to not drive to work during winter, because the way to work is through mountains. It rains and snows... I decided to give it a year, and take it as slowly as it feels right to me. I intend to focus on maintaining the car for now. I plan to drive the car once a week so that it will remain in a reasonable state. I suppose, despite my fears, I got better in time, but it has been so hard so far, it has been such a big source of stress for me, it's difficult for me to talk optimistically about it. The whole process tapped into my past traumas and brought out these big negative feelings. There is a part of me that enjoys driving, and there is a part of me who is practical and determinant enough to just take the car to work some day, but they are buried under these raw feelings that came from the past.

[1footouttadefog]

Getting out of the uncomfortable carpool is the main things, the driving will come with time, just stay at it, as is comfortable  so you don't loose your nerve.

[pianissimo]

Thanks 1footouttadefog

In the end, I talked to the guy. The day after I posted my thoughts here, I ended up being left out of the carpool because nobody told me they were driving to work that day. So, when I arrived to work by coach, I told the guy it wasn't working for me. I basically told what I intended to write in the message: I had expected to be informed about the changes he made, there was a lack of communication, that it all felt aggressive to me, that I felt like I was treated badly. I also told him my problem had a personal aspect, that if we weren't friends, I wouldn't expect that level of communication. He told me he wasn't aware of any of this and there was no problem at his end. I told him we must have different communication styles. I would feel more comfortable if I travelled by my own means. I said all these in a very friendly way though.

I now realize that the reason I wondered if what I felt like doing would be self-isolating or self-care because I felt like getting out of the carpool without telling anybody anything. I was feeling embarrassed about the situation I was in. I was also blaming myself thinking I had done something to offend the guy. So, it didn't occur to me that my need for an explanation as to what I was perceiving the whole time was valid, and it would be OK for me to get out of the carpool if that need was not met. This is why neither getting out without a word nor staying in the group felt right. Regardless of the outcome (very unsatisfying), I feel better that I addressed that need, and, now, doing my own thing doesn't feel like I'm self-isolating or running away from something.