I’m Learning

[Kat54]

Learning about relationships and boundaries. Thanks to this site I've realized through the tool box there are many kinds of boundaries and thinking of what's good for me. I recognize now my dysfunction with male relationships.

I have been kind of seeing someone casually and he's a great guy. Before with a relationship I would of hung on for dear life no matter how much the relationship was not working or they were taking advantage of my kindness and good nature. He has a lot of baggage that he's been dealing with and he definitely is not putting me in any order of importance with his life. After a conversation with him last night I've decided to pull the plug on things with him.
I've recognized he can't give me what I want. He's not being mean or abusive at all, he just can't give the relationship any time. It was an unexpected relationship as we have been friends for years and we will continue to be.

Years ago I would of hung on and tried to be patient, go with HIS flow no matter how Badly I felt.  I actually cried a tiny bit last night but then said to myself, I don't love him, though I maybe could have, and we have not spent enough time together to think I could be in love so I need to move on.
Has anyone else gone through this?  Is this actually the way a doomed relationship should go?

[Starboard Song]

Has anyone else gone through this?  Is this actually the way a doomed relationship should go?

Yes, it is. You are doing hero work to protect yourself and improve the quality of your relationships.

Each time I type this someone says thank you, so I'm going to repeat it:

It is not the case that we have relationships with most people, rejecting only a few very bad apples and owing an explanation. Instead, we have relationships with almost nobody, when you think about it (what's a few dozen people, say, against the thousands in our communities?), and we choose and commit to only those people who especially help us to thrive. We can rightly reject someone for any little reason. Many of us are blessed with an instinct for love: such people can love someone quickly, and that truly is a gift. But we can easily love people who do not reliably help us to thrive, and those people are not the ones we need to invest in. Love is not the measure of a relationship: your consistent ability to thrive and feel loved is the measure.

When I hear "but I love him" (or her), it always seems to me to be quite beside the point.

None of that makes it easy. But nothing is harder than discovering after two years, or five, or after a child, that you really had settled quite a bit and aren't really happy. "But I love her" is a cold cup of coffee if you put years into the wrong place.

So I say kudos to you! I am happy for you. Cry a little, and resume.

[1footouttadefog]

Being able to recognize and accept that someone is not a match and cannot be is a position of strength on your part.  It does not have to imply they are not a good person or unlovable and you can even continue to live them, it simply means you are not a match romantically.

This is what dating is for.  To discover a match.  As soon as it's apparent someone is not a match they should be friend zoned.  Otherwise you are giving of your self into a settled for relationship as mentioned in an above reply.

I hope you maintain the friendship while finding a better match.