Needy friends popping up during recovery

[Hattie]

Hi all, in the last few weeks, I have had a spate of old friends appearing wanting support. They were all people who had been friends with at one time, but who I hadn't seen or heard from in several months. One was getting divorced, one had suffered a bereavement, one was having a mental health crisis.

Whilst I'm happy to support my friends, all these interactions felt one-sided and potentially exploitative as none of them had shown any interest in my life for ages, but just saw me as a go-to support person. I felt a bit used and set firm boundaries with them all.

I'm just curious, have others experienced this whilst recovering? I get the vibe that they sense I am doing well and developing a more solid sense of self, and they want a piece of the action! Maybe they are also assuming that I'm still the codependent person I was before recovery.

I am encouraged that I've been able to set boundaries with them. I'm sorry they are not doing well, but I can't be a dustbin for other people's problems.

[1footouttadefog]

I have not gone through recovery.  I have gone through periods where I was dealing with alot and my friend knew it and were not available then all the sudden wanted support for their stuff.

Once I was Out of the FOG, I like you noticed this was one side with them and drew boundaries. 

I limited the call lengths and did not keep them company while they drank and stewed in their stuff all night until they passed out.  I actually did that for a couple of folks who had a history of being suicidal when we were younger.

One person would call when they got set aside by a man they would hookup with between long term relationships.  He was her true love despite being a real jerk who only used her for sex as a super last choice.   Yet when I was upset because there was a miscommunication between myself and a dear friend she was short and told me to just deal with it. 

I am able to see this stuff and back away and limit things.  Upgrading a relationship to healthy often means down regulating how much time and emotion you invest. 

 

[GentleSoul]

Interesting.

I think for me, as I worked on myself and my personal growth.  Started to value to myself more, I became unwilling to sit for ages listening to people dump their negativity on me.

I gradually shortened the phone calls, I noticed once I stopped giving these people what they wanted from me, they just disappeared.  I assume moved onto someone who was willing to sit endlessly listening to them. 

I think people like that will just go to whoever will listen.  None of it is personal to us.  I think PD people are the same, they try people until they find one that will tolerate them.  Not personal.

I didn't ever have to actually set boundaries in words, such as stating that I was only willing to listen to them for say, ten minutes rather than a hour.

My friends now are give and take type people.  My old type were all takers.

[Hazy111]

as none of them had shown any interest in my life for ages, but just saw me as a go-to support person

Youre not really talking about real friendship, youre talking about what a lot of people have in relationships  "co dependency" .  You supply what they need, but it isnt reciprocated, cos they dont have it in them. 

They cant/wont give. They wont change, but push you to change back to who you were or if you dont, theyll find someone else who will provide what they need.

As i said before in a thread to you , once you start to " come Out of the FOG" and assert your needs, you start to see other people for who they really are. Its quite painful and can be lonely.

But better lonely than abused, no?

[GentleSoul]

Very helpful thread, thanks all.  I agree this is about co-dependency or people pleasing.  Putting a higher value on someone elses time than our own. Often learnt in childhood growing up with narcs or alcoholics.  Both in my case.

A recollection just came to me from a few months ago, a lady who lives near me that I only slightly knew said to me that she had annoyed and exhausted all her friends talking about her issue, so she wondered if I would listen to her. 

No way, I was not wasting my time while she dumped on me.     She said she needed a counsellor really but they were too expensive but perhaps I would listen for free.

NO!  Is almost laughable. 

[1footouttadefog]

What mades it hard for me is that some of the folks who became users had not always been one sided.

They had been warm two way reciprocal relationships but as these people got further into drinking or when they were unable to process their childhood trauma made raw by failed romantic relationships, and drinking or other coping mechanisms came in not play and they no longer operated as healthy people.

I one thing to wake up to the fact someone is not healthy, but it's harder for me at least to wake up to them not being healthy any longer and having to cut ties. 

Either way it's part of us becoming healthier stronger people to prune the bad branches when needed.

[Hattie]

Thank you for your replies. Very interesting responses.

1foot- to be clear, I mean recovery from narc abuse, not addiction. I think your point about things not being clear cut is a good one. For a couple of the friends I'm referring to, the relationships did feel healthier in the past, if not totally ideal. I think sometimes when people have a crisis, they regress to a childlike state of neediness. Whilst that is understandable, I think we still need to set boundaries. I have one friend who I had to do that with, and was then able to re engage with once was better. He now recognises that is behaviour was out of line for a time.

Gentle soul- that is also a good point that it isn't personal. I often feel guilty setting boundaries with people, but actually narcissistic types are very good at tracking down multiple people who will supply their needs.

Hazy- thanks, it can be a bit lonely, although I am lucky enough these days to have a group of sane, well adjusted friends also. I think I'm also becoming a better friend to myself, which is key.

I'm really happy that I seem to finally be done with these narcissist/ codependent habits, when it comes to friendships at least! The next challenge is to break that habit in romantic relationships too, as that seems to be trickier

[Hazy111]

Hattie good luck in your recovery from narc abuse , but as im sure you are aware, many people are indeed "addicted" to narcs.

( Just watched "Catch me if you can" for the umpteenth time last night and the ease at which the Leonardo di Caprio character worked his fake charm and manipulated people.  He quickly "read" people and so could play on their weaknesses and insecurities. Actors playing "narcissists" though, hardly the biggest stretch is it? "Why did you want to become an actor? Apart from the fame , the attention , acclaim , admiration  etc  Like Picasso playing an artist or  Beethoven playing a composer!

[1footouttadefog]

So yeah, along the lines of clarification, by user I meant people who take advantage of others.