Moving Forward

[EternalHippo]

Hello All,

I've had a winding journey of getting to where I am now.

I used to post on this forum and was obsessed with my uPD in-laws.  I blamed them for many things.  But all of this was distracting me from deeper pain. 

From there I came to recognize and begin to address my traumatic upbringing and resulting CPTSD.  I have come a long on my journey. 

Something I have brushed up against but haven't been able to face is how hurt I am in my relationship to my H. 

I've associated words "avoidant" and possibly "narcissistic" with him.  I've been really understanding that he learned unhelpful ways of being from his FOO.  I've done a lot to keep him happy. 

But he's not and neither am I. 

I'm tired of him "forgetting" my birthday and then controlling how the day goes so that he comfortable.   
I'm tired of being spoken to harshly when he feels overwhelmed installing an appliance. 
I'm tired of trying to share a vision for my future career and having him add his 2 cents that I didn't ask for. 
I'm tired of being thrilled when he shows an outward sign of maybe growing only then to continue prioritizing his mom, sister, and other family members. 
I'm tired of not living my life.
I'm tired of my CPTSD not being honored or considered.
I'm tired of watching him meltdown in public because something doesn't go his way. 
I'm tired of being blamed for things that aren't my fault.
I'm tired of sex being the only way he tries to express intimacy. 
I am tired of listening to ridiculous statements like "It shouldn't be called mental health" or "I don't like sunscreen" because of weird distortions from his FOO.
I'm tired of feeling alone and not sure if I am loved by a person I choose to live with. 

I feel a lot of shame as I made this marriage when I was very hurt and afraid of being abandoned.  There were signs from the start that I wasn't a priority nor would I ever be.  I wouldn't make this choice today and that bugs me. 

As I heal my own pain, I find this stuff so much more intolerable.  What is most intolerable is how hard I work to believe he wants what I want and how hard I try to create opportunities for him to step into that.  He has made changes over the course of our relationship yet they do not address the underlying issues. 

I'm not sure what 2022 will hold for this relationship.  In order to get through a holiday trip I do not want to do but agreed to in order to avoid spending it with my in-laws, I need to do some major gray rocking in the coming two weeks.  Moving forward I imagine there will be some difficult conversations to have and decisions to make.  One thing I do intend is to finally live my life and have a lot of plans to do just that. 

[GentleSoul]

Hello

I am glad you are expressing and processing your thoughts.

I relate to so much within them. 

The biggest is what you share about the more you heal your pain, the more intolerable the behaviour of your H becomes.   This was my experience as well.   

In fact what I did - and it was an absolute decision by me - was for me to stop my healing at a certain stage as I knew if I healed any further I could not stay in the marriage.  H was terminally ill and I wanted to be with him until he passed, so I made that decision to stop my personal growth and healing.    Once he passed I resumed it. 

Wishing you well with the Grey Rocking, a life saver tool

[1footouttadefog]

This will sound weird but if he is only available for sex perhaps try outsourcing everything else.  Don't depend on him for what he cannot or is unwilling to offer.

Get a social life outside the home.  Find some friends to discuss work and career with.  Get involved with others for hobbies, religion, current events, travel and exercise.

Start living and being you and have sex with him your husband. 

Perhaps when he is no longer constantly failing to be who he cannot be, his need to employ poor coping mechanisms he learned with foo will diminish.  At the same time you can discover and own any bad habits or fleas or cooing mechanisms you might have. 

You will learn alot if you try this and that knowledge will not only make you stronger but will help inform future decisions with the knowledge you did your part to fix things of the don't work out.

We can only work on us.