Are these options fair?

[Jumping Juniper]

I have decided to give my boyfriend three options for him to choose to move forward and I wanted people's opinion on whether these are fair or not? I've been a people pleaser for a long time and also co dependent and have freeze fawn trauma response.
I still care about him as a friend but I have become a mix of a nurse maid and a mother to him with zero commitment on his side (if anything happens then his whole estate goes to his brother who hates my guts and I have invested time, emotion and money in his house for years but it is all in his name..)

These are the options..


1) He moves back to his home town. I will help him to find a new place and help him pack and move. After that we stay in touch as friends. I get a place of my own and start building a business.

2) I carry on splitting my time between him and mum and dad's and continue to help him with the house and day to day life but on two conditions that i) I have a financial stake in the house and that ii) He will agree to step up and help in the house and improve his life. I will still set up my own business.

3) if he refuses the first two options then I move out and get a place on my own (and set up my own business) I can continue to help him as a friend but I won't be there for day to day stuff. I'm happy to write off everything I have paid to improve the house or furniture as his but I don't want to invest anymore money or time just for it to all go to his brother one day.

If he flat out refuses to discuss it (avoidant) then basically he has automatically chosen the third option and I will then apply to get my own place.

Also, if he chooses the second option then the financial commitment would need to be immediately put into effect so I know where I stand. There won't be any "I'll get round to it" stringing along going on.

The best option for him would be the second option and the worst option for him would be to move back to his home town. I know that if he chose the second option there would be serious blowback from his brother because all he cares about is the inheritance.

I seriously doubt he would move back. He hasn't the stamina or the interest to make that effort. He doesn't want to lose me but also doesn't want to commit at all...

The third option would probably be the best option for me in the long term but also the hardest as I would be seeing his life and the house drift and go downhill and feel the overwhelming urge to go in and manage it all again so I would need to be supported through that too. It would be a big wrench for me to see that whereas if he was at a distance I wouldn't see it.

It's about what level of involvement he wants from me. For things to continue as they are they would need to improve and I would need a financial commitment as I cannot continue knowing his brother would get the lot and kick me out as soon as he could.

It's really hard to think of following through but really I am in the better position as he knows he is more dependent on me but he also know I've been too scared to stand my ground.

What do you think?

[clara]

None of these options are fair...to you.

What is the end result you desire?  Once you formulate that, you might consider how feasible it's going to be considering what you already know about him and what his past behavior has been.  With many people, past is prologue, especially in those who aren't actively choosing to change.  You're giving him choices.  What choices is he giving himself? 

You may hand him the roadmap but he still has to drive. 

[Poison Ivy]

Similarly to Clara, I recommend focusing on what is doable rather than what is "fair." It might be that your boyfriend can't or won't do any of the things you have in mind; you probably already have some sense of what he is willing or able to do. I think it's fair to you (the only person whose behavior you can control) to decide what result(s) you want, how best to reach the result, and do what you need to do to reach the result, likely without your boyfriend's involvement.

[Jumping Juniper]

Thank you so much for your kindness.. I realise that my needs always figure at the bottom of most lists and I have gotten used to that.
I'm not Out of the FOG like I thought I was..
The thought of hurting him or rocking the boat and separating is triggering for me to even think about so I may now need to look at my own issues of codependency.

[Bunnyme1]

I agree that these don't sound fair to you.  If the situation were reversed, do you think he would show the same courtesy?

Your post raises a few questions for me.  No judgment, just to ponder, since i read it more as a list someone would give a child who is about to move out.  Why does he need your help to pack or move or take care of the house?  Is he incapable or disabled in some way that prevents him from doing it himself, or does he just choose not to?  What responsibility do you feel you have?  Did you both just sign a lease on a place that he can't financially handle on his own?  (Still not your problem, but there are things like giving notice or agreeing to pay two month's rent so they have time to find a roommate, etc.)

If option 3 is what works best for you, then do option 3.  You are no longer a couple, and you need to do what is in your best interest.  I know it is hard.  I spent a long time making decisions on the basis of trying to not make him mad or hurt his feelings.  None of it made him change.  I just ended up frustrated time and time again.  Is your hope that he will change? 

Not trying to sound harsh...I've been in the same boat.  But it isn't your responsibility to plan or fix his life.  You can't give him an option to move home.  You move where you want to go, and it is up to him to decide where he wants to go.  Much easier said than done.  I'm a fixer.  I've come to see how that is controlling on my end.  I wish you luck in whatever decision you make.  You need to do what's right for you, and not what some stranger suggests.  I just wanted to give you some food for thought as you decide, as someone who sees a lot of herself in your post.

[Lauren17]

Hi JJ
I agree with what others have posted about your options.
Please be patient with yourself. It took me years from my a-ha moment to deciding to leave. Many of us here have experienced the same.
Baby steps are ok!