Christmas Morning and I'm Confused Again

[Hepatica]

I woke up and read a page of my daily meditation book. It's an Al-Anon book which often reminds me to turn the focus of my angst away from my FOO and nurture myself towards joy and peace. So I find it comforting. But the page today said something along the lines of silence towards another that has even the hint of rage will only hurt yourself.

Because I am No Contact with my parents and golden child sibling, I am being silent and to be honest I do feel more than a "hint" of rage. I am so confused now.

Anyone got any wisdom out there.

And for those of you that celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas to you. I hope your day is how you need it to be, and that it offers a form of joy and peace you seek.

[xredshoesx]

to me anger is a gift.

the longer i stayed in a state where i wouldn't allow myself to be angry at my biological mother or my most likely PD ex the longer i stayed in the fog....

think of it this way.  giving someone the silent treatment to punish them sounds like what your meditation book is speaking on.  when i think of NC i think of silence as a way to protect myself from further abuse. 

[Hepatica]

Thank you xredshoesx. I agree. Anger is a gift and that's a good reminder. I've been working on releasing the anger I feel inside which seemed to have turned into self-directed anger, and i wonder if that's left me feeling more vulnerable than I have in awhile. 
Also I have to remember what pushed me to make this very difficult decision to choose No Contact. My distance and lack of communication is about keeping myself safe, not giving the silent treatment to punish them.

[moglow]

"silence towards another that has even the hint of rage will only hurt yourself."

I'm with Redshoes on this one - I think that's speaking to silent treatment, punishment if you will. Kinda like taking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. There's a definite difference between silence/peace inside and grinding your teeth while you shut someone out silence. And let's be honest, we've all likely experienced more of the latter by this point in our lives.

For me, mother's silences always felt menacing, because she was so angry all my life. When I wasn't in contact because I simply had nothing to say or because I had to step away from the ugliness, she'd inevitably comment on me giving her silent treatment. That's who *she* is, and pure prime 100% grade A projection! She's been all about punishment, while I simply wanted peace.

Wishing you a happy Christmas, with all the peace and joy in whatever form you find it.

[mary_poppins]

Hi Hepatica. I find anger to be a beautiful and protective feeling. We're angry because someone done us wrong. it's like a light that switches on in our brain when we're in either physical or emotional danger. So I embrace it.

Have a peaceful day.

[nanotech]

I think there are different kinds of anger.
The quote I think, refers to the flash in the pan kind of anger, the immediate, reactive kind, that generally doesn't persist.
You're not practising that.
You're not practising  any sort of 'silent treatment'. This isn't anger for the purposes of punishment.
You're practising non contact in order to live your best life. 
But yes, feel angry. Your anger is the 'strong silent'  type, that empowering form of anger, an established and unshakable perspective,that totally enforces your  boundaries, boundaries required to achieve and maintain your non contact.
You go girl! 

[daughter]

Nope, I think our NC silence is actually quietly enacted kindness, a passive redirection to our dysfunctional families, because we've simply removed ourselves as active target for more abusive behavior.  NC doesn't need to be framed as "anger"-motivated. I see it as truly "being the grown-up", meaning not further engaging in the enmeshed dysfunctional expectations and established pecking-order roles of our FOO families.

It was a tranquil Christmas this year, again, for me and my own family, a decade now of them, after years of stressful two days of enforced "forced togetherness" with folks who behaved badly towards us, bragged and preened nonstop, without genuine affection towards us, or appreciation of us.

[Boat Babe]

I find that the literature on addiction recovery is very useful to me as people with addiction issues inevitably have a trauma background. Lots of hard-earned wisdom in there.

However, it is not designed to address the specific issues of abuse in general and PD abuse in particular.  NC is about YOUR safety, YOUR well-being and YOUR healing. 

As you were.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hi Hepatica. My thoughts about this are very much aligned to something you also noted. You stated "My distance and lack of communication is about keeping myself safe, not giving the silent treatment to punish them."  I think that is a very key aspect. 
   
I wondered if that particular line from the book was written from a perspective of one who might be using silence with a focus on causing a certain impact on others instead of from a perspective of just needing peace or protection and healing.

To me, NC is coming from one of the most loving places. It is grounded in love of self. When we have that as a foundation, I personally do not see anything ill-intended coming from that. This might be a type of love some of us disregarded in our lives. Maybe it has been hard won, but I think focusing on your wellbeing and aligning to the things that give you peace is always alright.

 

[Hilltop]

"silence towards another that has even the hint of rage will only hurt yourself."  I read this that if you are silent because you are angry you will only hurt yourself.  Nothing good will come from stonewalling, or giving the silent treatment as punishment.

You are not giving the silent treatment you have no contact and you have no contact for self protection.  This is very different from the silent treatment which is given for a short period to punish someone.

The other way I read this saying is that if we hold onto that anger in our silence we will hurt ourselves.  I would think coming from an Al-Anon book and the 12 step program which I know very little about but isn't there a part where you make amends for your wrong doings.  I am wondering what the other steps are.  The thing is, if we hold onto the hurt, it can manifest as anger and that is hurting yourself.  So perhaps in this saying its for people who are silent and are not speaking up for themselves.   

I can think of moments where my parents have put me down or done something hurtful and I didn't say anything or speak up because it was too hard, it really didn't get anywhere except me being told I am difficult or sensitive.  In that silence I was hurt but had to act like I wasn't, I didn't protect myself and in those situations, anger follows and I am hurting myself.  I mistakenly believe it is easier to keep the peace with my silence rather than stand up for myself and protect myself against the insults. 

What if we reached a place where we didn't care what the other person said, if we didn't care what their reaction would be, we didn't care that they labelled us as sensitive or difficult.  What if we spoke up in the moment and protected ourselves when we needed to, would breaking the silence lessen the hurt, take away the anger and make us feel like we protected ourselves.  So often I have worried about being seen as difficult or sensitive and so I don't speak up but speaking up can be done calmly and without emotion.  It can be telling someone that you don't accept being insulted, does it really matter if they then try to turn it back around onto us, we don't need to accept their labels, perhaps in some cases remaining silent and then seething about it will only hurt one person, that's us.

I understand you are NC so this last option may not apply to you but perhaps you did remain silent for a lot of things which later, now, as you look back on it, you realise you didn't protect yourself.  I think this is where self compassion comes in, we may have silently accepted that emotional abuse earlier but now in NC you are protecting yourself.  If there is anger, I am wondering is something needs to be spoken out aloud.  It doesn't need to be to our FOO but perhaps you need to go somewhere and say out aloud the things you need to say.

[Hepatica]

Thank you to each of you. Coming here brings me something that so far, I haven't found in my therapy or other self-help teachings, like in al-anon.  In the al-anon book, I often find a tidbit of wisdom that gets me thru a bad moment, or day, but it has no teachings on when a person must go that extra step, toward physically detaching from someone who is so dangerous to their peace of mind, the only choice is to remove all contact and conversation.

I have wracked my brain for years now, wondering if I were to tell my parents, and sibling exactly what it was that hurt me, how to do it. First of all, it is not one thing. It was a multitude of harms to my sense of trust, that old 'death by a thousand cuts' saying. I cannot explain all of them to them, and as soon as I got one or two out they would be arguing with me, gaslighting me, blaming me, even though many of them happened when I was a child. They have no remorse, only defensiveness. I know it's no use. Being around them adds more and more cuts to the 900 and I'm afraid that if I got a hundred more, I will die. I know, it sounds dramatic, but that's what it feels like, like I will be obliterated if I set myself up to try to speak to them like they are reasonable, remorseful people, when I know they are the furthest thing.

I am grateful for all of your words of wisdom and kindness these past few days, as I stop in and read and re-read them, they have acted like a stabilizing force field of protection.

I hope that all of you are coming out of the holiday blues. I feel like I am. I am already giving thought to the new year and how I need to work on letting go of self-doubt, and stand by myself with certainty. Having this community helps so much.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Hepatica,

What you say here makes so much sense to me. Everything about how limited the books can seem, the confusion about how to deal with wanting to explain ourselves to FOO, and knowing it won't go well, and then feeling better now that Xmas is over for another year. Yes yes yes!

I think that one of the gifts you get in effective therapy, is that the therapist gives you a space to explain yourself, and find an empathic ear, for what you wish you could say to your FOO. I know I found that with different counsellors over the years. In a therapy office, you should not have to defend yourself or your decisions about NC, any good counsellor, will accept that you went NC for self-protection, and to give yourself the space needed to heal yourself. They will then be able to guide you as you learn to keep accepting the emotions you feel about going NC.

I am sorry you have not found this yet, and I encourage you to keep trying, because it does help, more than books (which also help, but you don't get that 'safety' to explain yourself, from a book).

My FOO could never hear me explain my side of things. Never. The capacity isn't there. It has been years of coming to accept that. Just imagining them calmly respectfully listening to me talk is laughable when I try to imagine them trying. They don't know how to listen to me, never have, never will.

One of the things that helps me, is to spend time doing something I know they could never support me in doing (something healthy obviously). And to really connect with that feeling inside me of "this is for ME, and they are not here to ruin it anymore". Because I think as a kid, I would try to do things for me (like say, grow up, have friends, etc. etc.!!) and they would try to ruin it, sabotage me, take over, criticize it, etc...

January is a great time of year to find something that is not tied to FOO or Xmas or the holidays we just put behind us collectively.

It can be as simple as buying some wall art that is 100% about you as a person, colours you like, a theme you love, a memory you have of a trip you took somewhere or a place you want to visit someday, just something that is totally 100% about Hepatica that you can say "this is something I love, something I enjoy doing or looking at" and hopefully, as we go through January, the month of quiet reflection and renewal, you'll feel the distance between the present and December 2021, as it shrinks in our rearview mirror.

Trees

[DistanceNotDefense]

I love what everyone else has said here.

But wanted to chime in that I personally think it's different, what they're speaking of in the Al-Anon book (I love those - I have one! So heartening.) - it's safe and healthy to express anger in a *healthy* relationship. Because the anger will be understood, received, healed, and moved through.

In abusive and dysfunctional relationships, that anger will never be understood. It is warped and twisted around as a weapon on those who express it to self-protect.

Your silence is true and OK, Hepatica. It is protecting you so you can work through the anger and heal yourself - your family cannot do that.

Hugs 🤗

[JollyJazz]

Hepatica,

Sending you support! 

Just on anger - it is totally okay to feel this!!!

I was brought up to feel intense shame about even feeling any kind of anger. There was an utter double standard in my FOO, PD M, F and siblings could rage all they wanted, barge into my room, destroy things, throw things, hit me and I wasn't even allowed to show even a flicker on anger.

You have an absolute right to feel anger, it is a natural emotion.

I've heard of anger described as the 'immune system of the mind'.

It is a healthy self defense system, and a healthy part of you is setting up when you feel it thinking about narcissistic abuse, nothing to feel bad about. It's a healthy and natural response to unhealthy behavior, abuse and boundary violations.