Impersonal Gifts

[Lisa]

My Mom's Christmas Gift arrived today.
It is an empty picture frame, a large one, shipped all the way across the country. 

It t feels like such a vague/ impersonal/ thoughtless present.  How little do you need to know your own child to gift that?

(To further clarify that.  I am not someone who has photos on walls or in frames in my house, I am 37 and have lived on my own since 18 and this has always been the case).

[Sneezy]

An empty picture frame? That is pretty darn impersonal and thoughtless.  I think people with PDs think that gift-giving is all about them as the giver and not about doing something thoughtful for the recipient of the gift.  Gifts can be a way of making themselves feel good, of bringing attention to themselves, of sending a message, of bragging, or about punishing you.  Nicer gifts almost always have strings attached.  Less nice gifts can be a passive aggressive way of sending you a message.

One Christmas, my MIL wanted to take the whole family on a cruise.  DH and I had young kids in elementary school and she thought we should just leave them with friends for 10 days so we could go on the family cruise.  We thanked her profusely for the offer, but explained that we couldn't be gone from our children for so long and didn't feel right about either taking them out of school or leaving them with friends for such a long time.  So, we didn't go on the cruise and my only Christmas gift from my in-laws that year was a pair of dirty slippers.  They were clearly pulled from the bottom of a dirty, dusty sale bin.  It was a message to me that the histrionic matriarch of the family was displeased.

My mother is completely the opposite.  She gives gifts in order to brag about how much the recipients loved and appreciated her gifts.  Gift-giving is about the attention given to her as the generous gift-giver.  During Christmas season, I will hear her non-stop lists of what she is sending to everyone.  It's all about her as the giver, not about the recipients.

I'm sorry you ended up with a picture frame.  It sounds like a nice donation for the Goodwill bin - I'm sure someone would like it (just not you).  It isn't always easy to find good gifts for adult children (thank goodness for amazon wish lists, it's how I know exactly what my kids want/need).  I don't suppose you could put a really nice photo of yourself in it and re-gift it to her  - just kidding, I'm sure that wouldn't be worth the ensuing drama.

Hang in there and enjoy the holidays!

[FlowerPot]

just thinking about gifts - whatever I gave to mother was no good / not what she liked / a funny colour / I'll never use it etc etc

so over time I just didn't bother and the gifts became more impersonal - a friend had arranged a special gift for her difficult mother on the other side of the world, mother unimpressed on Xmas day, friend upset - suggested she reverted to less effort as if they make a fuss it doesn't hurt so much

[Seeking peace]

One year my uNpdm gave my dh a can of chili and a can of cheese. We can laugh about it now but at the time we were both just like wth.
Sorry you're going through this.

[Liketheducks]

My mom gave me port this year.   She knows red wine gives me migraines.   I never touch it.    I just say thank you, and put it away for someone who likes it.   

[JustKathy]

My mother would give me toys, treating me like I was still a little girl. I still have boxes of Beanie Babies that I've been slowly donating.

One year she gave my husband a remote-controlled sports car and said, "Now I tell everyone that I gave my son-in-law a Porsche for Christmas." Ugh. 

[Maxtrem]

My narc. uncle once gave used socks to his grandchildren. My cousin was quite upset; who gives used stockings with holes in them to Christmas 

[JustKathy]

My narc. uncle once gave used socks to his grandchildren. My cousin was quite upset; who gives used stockings with holes in them to Christmas 

OMG, that's nuts!

One year my mother gave me a used, broken laptop. It was the first year that I stopped going to her house for Christmas so she mailed me a box of gifts. The laptop was beautifully gift-wrapped and in its original box, though wasn't shrink-wrapped, which I thought was odd. Inside there was a note saying (paraphrasing), "I gave your brother a brand new laptop for Christmas so I thought you'd like his old one. It's broken, but I know your husband is handy, so maybe he can fix it." It was beyond repair so I dropped it off at one of those places that recycle electronic waste.

[MIB]

just thinking about gifts - whatever I gave to mother was no good / not what she liked / a funny colour / I'll never use it etc etc

Wow, that totally reminds me of how my dad was. Nothing was ever good enough or appeared appreciated. The last time I got him something, I had given up on buying him a gift (because it became too frustrating) so I made a donation to charity in my parent's names. If I recall correctly, he rolled his eyes at that one -which is what caused it to be the last time.