Taking on Nmom's pain, physical decline

[Amadahy]

https://www.bethanywebster.com/blog/mothers-pain/

This article came up when I googled something to the effect of an enmeshed daughter feeling her Nmom's pain and physical decline in her own body/person/energy field. 

My Nmom is in long-term care with alzheimer's disease and is getting weaker every day.  She had what seems to be one last episode of rage and now this decline.  I feel a great deal of compassion for her, but I notice also that I am forgetful, scattered, physically weaker, apathetic, just blah.  It's disconcerting and upsetting.  My logical brain says I'm fine, but I don't feel fine.  I feel like our boundaries are still unhealthily permeable and I do not like that my body and mind are responding in this way.  I was the scapegoat and all her sadness in life was my fault (said and implied), so now am I taking these symptoms on because I feel at fault for her decline?  Good grief.  Will this ever resolve?! My Nmom is past the point of self-awareness, if she ever had any, so there will be no satisfying end to this story. I've been trying to heal all of my 53 years.  I don't remember a time I was not trying to cope, trying to learn, trying to feel better.  Such a dark cloud has followed me all these years.  Layer upon layer of crap to wade through is exhausting, as you all know.

Anyone else experience?  Have tips for not losing myself?  I'm trying valiantly to practice self-care (supplements, good food, rest, exercise, etc) but most days I am really struggling. 

Thank you for reading.  Warmest new year wishes to all.  xoxo

[Boat Babe]

Hey Amadahy, we hear you.

This is the darkest part of the year and also fraught with emotional challenges because of Christmas expectations, commitments, disappointments and craziness. For people with our experiences in life it's really really hard.

Continue with your self care routine, which will keep you ticking over till you start to feel better. Sometimes self care is about just keeping going till you feel better. When I feel low, I practice a mindful self compassion break (just google those words) which is comforting and makes me smile.

Baby steps my lovely.

[notrightinthehead]

Sending you a biiiiiig hug! You are not alone with your self doubts, anxieties, uncertainties. For the last few days I have gone back deep into co-dependency mode. The best I can say is, I am aware of it. I firmly believe that the only way out is the way through. Acceptance of the enmeshment, acceptance of the critical voice, acceptance of the frustration of this lifelong struggle. And trying to find a way to love oneself nevertheless.

[Sneezy]

Oh my gosh, you have just described what I am feeling. My in-laws (uHMIL with dementia and enabling-FIL with Parkinson's and cognitive decline) moved in with us on Christmas Eve and will be here until we find a suitable assisted living facility. Since they have arrived, I feel like I am absorbing their state of mind into me. Does that even make sense? My brain is fuzzy, I am sad and angry at the drop of a hat, my heart is racing. I had to go the grocery store today and I found myself wandering aimlessly up and down the aisles, from one side of the store to the other, trying to remember what I needed to buy.

My heart goes out to you, Amadahy - sending hugs! This too shall pass - it has to!

[SunnyMeadow]

My in-laws (uHMIL with dementia and enabling-FIL with Parkinson’s and cognitive decline) moved in with us on Christmas Eve and will be here until we find a suitable assisted living facility.

Wow Sneezy! Talk about suddenly having a big load of anxiety and stress from this event. I can't imagine what you're going through. Dementia and cognitive decline have to be one of the most difficult things to deal with. I have experience with it and it's awful.

When I get fuzzy, angry and sad with a racing heart it's pure anxiety. I hope you and dh can find a suitable facility asap!

[SunnyMeadow]

My Nmom is in long-term care with alzheimer's disease and is getting weaker every day.  She had what seems to be one last episode of rage and now this decline.  I feel a great deal of compassion for her, but I notice also that I am forgetful, scattered, physically weaker, apathetic, just blah.  It's disconcerting and upsetting.  My logical brain says I'm fine, but I don't feel fine.  I feel like our boundaries are still unhealthily permeable and I do not like that my body and mind are responding in this way.  I was the scapegoat and all her sadness in life was my fault (said and implied), so now am I taking these symptoms on because I feel at fault for her decline?   

Maybe after years of being the scapegoat, this is a natural reaction for you to take? Just speculating but it seems like it could be the case. I still react and Jump when she says Jump, even after being here for years and knowing what she's slyly doing. It's just how my body and mind are used to dealing with it. I have to make a huge effort to use medium chill and gray rock to deal with her in a different way.

When I'm forgetful and scattered, it's my sign of having anxiety. I can't focus even on easy, small things. It's awful. My brain only has so much reserves to get through dealing with my mother and everything else suffers. I really wish it didn't work that way. It seems natural for you to be having anxiety and stress because of your mother having  Alzheimer's disease. It's an incredibly difficult disease.

I wonder if the observe don't absorb technique would be beneficial for you? I'm sorry Amadahy.

[Amadahy]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond!  Just writing out my fears helped immensely, and your warmth in responding helped me feel validated and heard.  I felt lighter and more energetic on my walk today.  Also, I have not visited Nmom for several days, which helps my nervous system settle a bit.   Nmom isn't really lucid enough to know when I've visited, or even who I am, sometimes, so all my responses are from past conditioning and cellular memory.  In any case, thank you for your compassion and virtual hugs.  I wish you all a heartful of peace and joy for the new year.  Thank you so much for being a safe and warm space for wounded hearts.  xoxo

[1footouttadefog]

You very likely don't have a new condotion, just stress and emotional overload.  I ha e been through rounds of this and now when I find myself forgetful and more ADD than usual I take note and simplify and take time for me.

Take some time out.  Take some time to breath deeply.  Time to eat something and really enjoy it at the same time.  Time to feel the shower water or see the flowers. 

It's your job to see they get to care you do not have to provide it directly.  They will not like most of the care they get and will complain.  No one likes being old and forgetful etc.  You cannot cure old age.  It not fun in oh so many ways.  Don't own the blame or complaints, it's not your fault.

Be sure to practice self care.  Take time for what makes you relax whether it's a movie, a hot bath or tsking a walk or some of all of it.

Consolidate things to allow more time for self care. Cook for two nights and make salads for two days all at once.  Make simple sandwiches or something like that to free time to watch a show or read or take the dog for a jog.

You must keep living.  Take little mini vacations to remind yourself you are alive even if it's 10 mins to check out a new shop or grab a donut or watch seagulls fly, or drive a new road just out of curiosity. 

Check in with friends but dont overwhelm them with details, and enjoy company.

Allow professionals to step in and relieve you of the time and burden.