A Level of Limited Contact that Works in My Situation

[D.]

I want to share the following situation just in case it might help others.   

My sibling and I have each individually and with our own chosen families (spouses and kids) been working hard over the last several years to get healthy, have open/honest communication, and boundaries.  Therapy, reading, practice, communication w/each other, spirituality, religion, etc.

As a result, after initially being no contact ( 1 yr) w/my parents,  I have found a way to be present and mentally/spiritually/physically healthy around my parents. This was what I wanted, if possible.  Low contact, but not no contact.  And healthy, appropriate interactions.   And there is a long history of that not being the case - both my parents exhibit a lot of uPD characteristics and behaviors throughout my childhood, youth, and adult life.

After one year no contact I tried one visit w/boundaries in place and it worked.  Six months later a second visit, same boundaries, and it worked again.  Surprisingly I have a third visit planned.  In order to be around my parents my husband and I have the following boundaries in place:

1.  We set a packed "get away" bag by the door when we arrive (keys, coat, etc.) so we can leave quickly if needed.  I don't want to be hunting down items if we want to leave quickly. 
2.  We go to my parent's home.  My parents are odd in public so their home is my preference, plus it's easier to leave if needed.  They've asked to come to my home and I've respectfully declined.
3.  I know that we can leave any time I feel uncomfortable.
4.  We plan to stay approx. 1-3 hrs.
5.  We plan activities like walking, art and limited eating together.
6.  I arrive together w/my sibling.  My sibling's spouse pointed out that uPDf behaves better when everyone arrives at once. We caravan.
7.  My spouse and my own adult kids are supportive of all of the above.

My sibling and sibling's spouse have a high level of skill at re-directing my uPDf.  Also, some of the pathology of my uPDf seems to be that he is appropriate w/me when my sibling is there.  This makes me sad and validates the N family patterns of what happens when sibling is not present, but it's just the reality.  It also speaks to misogyny of uPDf.

The last two times that we visited with my parents with these boundaries in place I felt genuinely content and at peace during and after the visits.

I know a lot of this is from the tools and philosophies on this web site.  I am certainly open to anyone's input of similar or different boundaries that have or have not worked, especially over a longer period of time....

[Psuedonym]

Hi D,

That's great that you've found a level of contact that works for you and I'm glad that you're able to have relatively stress free interactions with your parents! My advice is, long term, it works until it doesn't. I don't know how old you or your parents are, but eventually their health will decline and one of them (usually the enabler) will not be around. That, in my personal experience, is when the wheels come off. Somebody has to be the recipient of all the toxic garbage that they feel the need to unload, and when things get stressful and/or the other parent isn't there, you and your sibling will become 'it'. In my case I was able to 'manage' the interactions i had with uPDM (phone calls) seeing her once or twice a year (I lived on the other side of the country) but after my enF died, it spiraled downward really quickly. I almost ended up in the hospital with anxiety and panic attacks before i went NC. I'm saying all this because if you visit the Elderly Family Members section, you'll find a lot of people who're stuck in absolute hell because they've become the focal point of their parents' dysfunction.

[DM178]

Hi D,

Thank you for sharing your plan of action with your parents. You have put a lot of time, energy and emotional processing to identify what works for you. What a wonderful gift for you and your family that it has paid off and resulted in positive visits!

Your post is a really great and powerful reminder for me that I need to continue to practice my plan with my family and UBPDM and enabling F (plus many enabling siblings). I also have to keep reminding myself that I do all of this for my spouse and I...and to not expect behavioural change from any family member - it is indeed a blessing when I do observe this and receive it when it happens!

I have found that regardless of the behaviour I receive, when I "work my plan" I am able to walk away in a better space...more emotionally whole, not as fragmented and more grounded.

Thank you again for sharing your successes with what you have worked so hard to put into place and how it has been positive. and I hope you have a nice holiday with family and friends!

[D.]

I "worked the plan" during our most recent visit and I would consider it a success.  My uPDf and enM did have a moment away from the family where they were inappropriate with each other - it lasted about 1-2 minutes.  I decided to ignore it and stay and feel good about my decision.  I also observed unPDf struggling w/not being allowed to rant.  He kept wanting to interrupt and although respectfully redirected the attempts to interrupt happened more frequently than during the last visit.  So my decision to visit once or twice yearly is accurate.  I tried three times this year and by the third time I could feel he reached his limit for appropriate behavior. 

However, I personally felt  so much more mature and in control.  Simply observing and responding appropriately in the moment.  I was able to my meet my two values of being present w/my parents and not allowing myself to be a target for emotional abuse. 

Pseudonym,  I appreciate the heads up.  My parents are in the elderly category and thanks to this forum I am certainly aware of the likelihood of the scenario that you mention.  That's why one of the steps is "leave whenever I feel uncomfortable."  Before I was Out of the FOG I did this intuitively choosing to not see my parents for 6 months or a year at a time.  In my case the plan I describe seems to work.  I also have a family value of spending some time, if possible, with my parents once or twice per year.  I've done a lot of therapy and am now able to meet this goal without feeling emotionally injured myself or being the target for abuse.  The moment that happens I certainly would leave and re-evaluate my plan.  And I feel like my parents aren't as far down the PD spectrum as many on this forum.  I am sorry that happened for you.  It sounds like things appeared ok for a while and quickly got worse with the death of your enF. 

My parents seem to choose to control their behavior if my visits are infrequent and in company with my sybling.  The thing with my parents is that they seem the most "disordered" when together.  If I am with my father or mother alone they can be mostly appropriate.  However, together it's like this dangerous toxic mix of disordered behavior that feeds itself.  Yet they are unwilling to visit w/me without the other parent present.  So this is my only option at this time.

DM 178,

I'm happy to hear this experience had a positive take away message that you could apply in your situation.  I learn a lot from these posts myself.  I know that it is infrequent and often impossible to have contact w/uPD parents or family members without harming ourselves emotionally.  At least that was my experience in the past.  And you're description of "working the plan" and then "walking away more grounded" is exactly how this worked for me.  It is definitely empowering to feel in control of my experience and I am hopeful it will allow me to go forward in a mature way in this and other relationships.