Reason #1,297 for staying NC

[Starboard Song]

We've been NC with my in-laws for 6 years now. They've not seen or talked to us our their grandson in all that time.

Recently, they visited my wife's uncle, and he had my son's wedding photo on the wall. MIL was furious. She wanted to know where it came from and could she make a copy. After they'd left, our uncle noticed the picture was gone.

Today he sent us a picture of what he found in the garbage: that photograph our son and his lovely bride, torn up into six pieces and thrown into the kitchen trash.

That makes me very angry. I want to reach out to my FIL to ask if he approves of such behavior. I want to demand an explanation of my MIL.

But no. This is just another example of why some people shouldn't be in your life.

[moglow]

Starboard, that pisses me right off. I know we mantra "do not respond do not respond do not respond" but damned if I wouldn't make an exception here!  I'd be hard pressed to not print a copy of that and attach a brief letter, thank you for yet another confirmation that we are doing the right thing for ourselves and our family.

I deeply dislike this kind of petty b.s., and to do it in another's home with their belingings??? No ma'am, not on my watch!

They just keep telling us who they really are, don't they. Now they're busily announcing to others as well.

Fuming for you.

[Andeza]

Oh Starboard! Congratulations to your son! I wish him and his bride the best in their future together. Yay!

PwPDs really do take the cake don't they? Then they chuck it in the trash. Makes you wanna tell them to go suck a lemon, as my Gma would say. At least, that's what she'd say when the grandkids were around.

[JustKathy]

I am so sorry, Starboard. My own Nmother used to pull stunts like this with photographs. It's not only infuriating, but it hurts like hell because they're destroying an image of someone they're supposed to love.

My mother used to do this when she wanted to "erase" someone. I saw her rip up photos of her own family members several times. After I went NC she went so far as to return some of my childhood photos with my face scratched out. It devastates us and they know it.

I totally understand your wanting to call your MIL out on her actions, but also agree with your decision to let it go. She just reinforced what you already know, that she's toxic. I can picture her tearing that photo apart and it just makes my blood boil. What monsters they are.

[Boat Babe]

The malice. Gargh. I'm sorry this happened. And hell no, don't give them supply.

What I have found is that the longer into my recovery/healing I am, the quicker I bounce back from these incidents. They then contribute to more FOG clearing and personal growth if I do the work, which is becoming second nature by this time too. I know you know this too.

Sending hugs.

[Hilltop]

Congrats to your son.  That's really hurtful behaviour.  My MIL did the same sort of thing with photo's. This is the stuff they do which we shake our heads at.

I do wonder why the uncle told you unless it was to ask for another photo.  Knowing this stuff sometimes is not helpful and only adds to our hurt.  Its good that you recognise that contacting FIL would be pointless. 

Don't give them supply.  No good will come from contacting them.  The only small tiny miniscule good that can come from this is that at least you continue to know that NC is best for your family.

[Cat of the Canals]

Wow. Beyond petty. Pointing it out and then leaving it on the premises all torn up like that makes me think she WANTED your uncle to find it and see. Punishment for still being in contact with you when The Queen has excommunicated you. Yikes.

[Psuedonym]

Starboard, I read this and thought: this should be labeled as Exhibit A as to how PDs are emotionally 4 years old. WTF? She's jealous of a picture that your uncle had so she ripped it up and left it for your uncle to find in his trash...boy that'll show him who the crazy one is!  I'm surprised she didn't hold her breath until she turned blue or throw a tantrum on the floor. Honestly, I think this was more about your uncle picking the 'wrong' side than anything about your son.

The kicker is that if you ever did confront her (which you are right there's no point in because it will just validate her behavior by giving her supply) in true 4 year old fashion she'd most likely deny it. Maybe blame your uncle and say he did it himself to make her look bad! There's always a way to become the victim if you're creative enough.

Yowza.

[happygoat]

Hello Starboard!

So sorry for your distress.  I know how hard it is not to react and give them what they were looking for by doing that, but you can do it! Medium Chill and staying true to my own spiritual values help me when I feel provoked. I pray for my abusers all the time.  It  helps me remember that they are people I love and they don't even really understand what they do to me let alone do it on purpose.

Take care and thanks so much for sharing.  So sorry they hurt you on purpose. I know how that hurts. To know that the people you love gain pleasure from watching you struggle and hurt. It is very hard to accept, because it is not natural or good.

Take Care and stay well,
Happygoat

[Mintstripes]

What atrocious behavior!

I wanted to chime in to say that my paternal grandmother used to rip up family photos as well, or even burn them. She lived halfway across the world so I only met her once or twice, but from everything I heard over the years, I suspect she was N and BPD.

Unfortunately, my narc father continued the cycle of abuse and I went NC from my parents in 2016. That's another story, though.

Glad you feel strong in your convictions and are keeping safe. Congrats to your son and his wife!

[looloo]

Yes, on the one hand, it is petty.  But it's such a rageful act.  To symbolically annihilate a person like that.  And the entitlement of removing someone else's property from that person's own wall!  Mutilating it, and then leaving it to be found by the owner.  WTF?!?!

Pretty psycho IMO.

[Sidney37]

Starboard
Congratulations to your son!  I am so sorry that this happened. It's certainly one of those moments when you want to react but you know it's not good in the long run to do so.  How did your uncle react to this?  Did he confront her? 
I'm so frustrated for you.  So many emotions come along with this.  This is when we try to use our radical acceptance, but it's so hard sometimes.  Stay strong!

[mary_poppins]

You can totally respond to this in a letter addressed to the in-laws in which you tell them whatever it is on your mind (and soul) and then, dump it in the trash. The subconscious mind wants some kind of revenge in this case and it doesn't know the difference between reality and fiction. At least it's better to express these feelings in any form than hold them in.

And, abusers will always be abusers. They can't change because abusing others is the easiest route for them. They don't have to do anything, they can let themselves go at every opportunity and not feel guilty about it. What a way to live..