MIL and NYE

[Birdy]

I really didn't imagine an awful New Year's this year because my husband and I are on a resort trip which coincides with our 25th anniversary.

Very early NYE, we received an emergency text from DS17 that our dog is having seizures. This has never happened before, and DS17 and DS23 took the dog to the vet ER for help. We didn't know if she would be okay until much later that day.

Between texting the two sons and trying to help them while we are out of the country, we were trying to decide whether to tell DD21 that her dog is ill. She is out of state visiting her boyfriend and is very type A with high anxiety.

In the meantime, DS23 calls his Grammy because he was upset and wanted someone to talk to. I don't know the details yet, but Grammy asked DS23 if she could call DD and tell her about her dog. He says yes and Grammy calls DD with the news.

My DH and I found out later in the evening the dog will be fine; however, we also found out from DS23 that DD knew about her dog. We weren't getting return texts from DD and assumed she is mad we didn't call her.

DH texts Grammy (his mom) that she should not have called DD without talking to him/me first and that our trip is now more stressful because we are worrying about the dog and DD. Grammy texts back that she isn't responsible for our marriage problems. No apology or acknowledgment of acting out of place.

I did apologize to my DD. My MIL has a habit of butting in to situations that are none of her business. I ended up crying myself to sleep on NYE and I feel like this beautiful trip
has been completely ruined. We will be doing some family therapy following this incident.

Am I overreacting? I have my MIL and FIL blocked on my phone, but the kids are close to their Grammy. I should add that MIL is likely not PD but FIL is uOCPD. MIL grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family which we have never had anything to do with.

Advice is greatly appreciated. Happy New Year, everyone!

[Poison Ivy]

I don't think you're overreacting. If something similar happened in my family (i.e., a pet became ill), I would want some control over communicating that information, especially to my children.

[Cat of the Canals]

I also think it's telling that your MIL asked one of your other children if she could tell your daughter about her dog instead of asking you... you know... the parents. It's like when a kid knows mom will say no to a candy bar before dinner so they go ask dad. I also think it's strange to want to be the bearer of bad news.

[Birdy]

I hadn't thought about it this way. My assumption is that MIL was trying to test my DH because he has better boundaries now or she may have been trying to alienate my daughter from me. Idk. I'm still upset.

[Leonor]

 

What a rollercoaster!

But here's what stands out for me:

Nothing bad actually happened.

Everything turned out well.

You and dh traveled to celebrate your anniversary. (Happy anniversary!)

Your adult children looked after the family dog in your absence.

The family dog fell ill and your adult children took him to the vet.

The vet confirmed the family dog was ok.

This is all good news, right?

So why is everyone freaking out again?

17 is freaking out because the dog fell ill. That makes sense, she's 17. But everyone else in this scenario is an adult, and did the adult thing.

But I would suggest there is an entire fog of anxiety lingering about. Who people can and can't call, who can or can't know, who is feeling what about whom and where and on and on and on.

Even though everything turned out ok.

And now your vacation is ruined? What?


Time for you and dh to schedule that spa treatment and relax, pleased un the knowing that you've raised three very capable young people.

And enjoy yourselves!

[Hilltop]

Birdy my MIL use to do similar type of stuff although she is a lot better now.  I remember I use to get upset because it seemed that my MIL was excluding me, she would go around me to get what she wanted.  She would know if she asked me I would say no, so she would go to the person she knew would say yes and of course that meant that whatever I felt was trodden on.  To me it felt disrespectful.  I am not sure what is underneath your feelings.  I mean she could have called your husband but she didn't, she didn't want the no, so she got the yes the way she knew how.  That is frustrating.

The other thing that stands out to me is what she said. That she isn't responsible for your marriage problems, ouch.  Here's the thing, my MIL use to do things that she knew would drive a wedge between DH and I and of course if it worked it wasn't her problem it was our marriage even though it was her direct behaviour that was causing the issue.  In part she was right, it was up to DH and I to communicate better and be on the same page but when someone is deliberately doing things to create problems it's not as easy as just saying, that's your problem.  All parties are involved in some way to cause the problem.  If they didn't do what they were doing the whole issue wouldn't be there.  The fact that my MIL did things to divide and conquer was really hurtful and it took me a long time to get over that.

The other part that stuck out to me is that the kids are close to her.  Your DS23 called her for support.  I just wonder if this makes you a little uncomfortable, that maybe you don't fully trust her, that perhaps you feel she may drive a wedge in that relationship as well.

I would say you were disappointed that your trip was ruined, that you then had the stress of MIL butting in and then it causing stress in your relationships.

Your MIL butted in because your DS23 allowed it, he contacted her and she asked him if it was ok and he said yes.  I would say that it may help to step back and not feel like you have to control every situation.  Your kids are adults and your DS felt it was ok for DD to be told.  That is his decision.  You apologised to your DD and I am sure you could tell her your reasons for not contacting her.  Is she ok with what happened or is she angry with you for not telling her?  When you assumed she was upset, was she upset?

When you assumed she was upset you then got upset at MIL for butting in.  This led to you crying.  Stepping back can sometimes help.  I don't think you're over reacting.  Therapy will help with learning those techniques to step back, to disengage and not react.  I'm sorry your 25th anniversary was ruined.  I think there was a lot happening which is why you were so upset. 

[Birdy]

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. After having some time to reflect, I do think I overreacted emotionally and was triggered by MIL. Historically, she has a history of ignoring our wishes and DH has a history of taking her side. Between the unexpected stress of having a sick pet, needing the kids to step up and handle a difficult situation (they did well), and then MIL's actions, all taking place at the holidays (which I dread), my emotions came crashing down on me.

I am pleased that DH and I were on the same side this time, and we discussed just last night exactly the points which Leonor brought up. I'm going to look into some therapy. I haven't been in a couple of years because I was doing well with handling everything.

My kids are adults, but they aren't independent from us yet. I am concerned that they will get sucked into the dysfunction of MIL/FIL/BIL/SIL. They visit my DH's family and the stories they tell are upsetting.

I just wish I had some family that are normal. My brother is the only person I have left, and he lives far away. Holidays are sad.

[Hilltop]

Hey Birdy glad you are feeling better.  It's easy to get triggered.  People think it's one event, one thing but it's not, as you say your MIL has a history of ignoring your wishes and your DH taking her side, so one event can snowball with all that history. 

Even though you feel your kids aren't independent, this is the age when they need to start handling life on their own.  As Leonor said, they handled the sick dog as an adult would, they got medical treatment and the dog is fine.  I understand you are concerned about their relationship with the extended family and it's good to offer support but in reality you have very little control over that.  Your kids have shown they can handle things and perhaps it's time to have some faith that they will handle the extended family as well. Therapy will hopefully be useful in letting go.

I am glad you and your DH are on the same page.  I would plan another vacation so you can go away and relax.  It's a shame this happened while you were away as a sick pet would ruin anyone's vacation, it's hard to relax or enjoy yourself when you are worried about a pet at home.  I'm glad you are feeling better.