I didn't jump when she called

[wisingup]

A first for me yesterday. Mom called mid-afternoon, in the midst of a busy work day for me.  I finally made use of my phone's screening function, which shows me in text what is being said on the voice mail.  Basically, she had tried to do something & made a bit of a mess of it & wanted me to help fix it.  At the point that she called, someone was waiting on her to make a decision.  I read the message, took a few breaths, and ... did nothing.  I finished my work day, went for a run, then texted her to see if she was able to resolve the situation.  As of this morning, she has not responded.

Frankly, after knowing she was calling in some sort of crisis (again), I simply could not make myself pick up the phone to call her back.  I'd had a busy stressful day at work dealing with issues, and the thought of now dealing with her issue was simply too much. 

The lack of response is typical.  Apparently, she resolved things one way or another & my services were no longer needed.  No need to provide me with any closure.

[SunnyMeadow]

Good for you! You are at work, for crying out loud. Surely she can understand that. But no, instead she feels slighted and justified in ignoring your text.

My general pattern is to jump when my mother calls, mainly just to get the whole stupid conversation over with. But lately, I've been waiting to reply and it feels good. She needs to know I'm not at her beck and call. My mother is highly skilled at giving the silent treatment just like your mom. Aren't they a delight? 

[Cat of the Canals]

   <--- That's me, playing an epic drum solo because of how you handled this.

There is nothing wrong with putting your needs first, and what we often find is that they never really "needed" our help to begin with... they just kinda wanted to see if they could get us to jump through one of their hoops.

[moglow]

Dammit man, youre GOOD! I got much the same from mine time after time. Demanding an immediate response (or on her unstated imaginary timetable) and ignoring me from there forward. Plus she'd call in the middle of the workday with drama, knowing I won't answer the phone. Very rarely was any of it resolvanble - she just wanted a mad.

[Fiasco]

My phone is set to send all my moms call directly to voicemail, so I don't even have to bother deciding to ignore her. Then I read her voicemails rather than listening. Good for you! Awesome job.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think you handled this very well. You have every right to prioritize among the demands in front of you, and you were under pressures from your job which would certainly be my priority. I would file this under the category of good boundary practices.   
   
I sometimes wonder if their lack of response to us when we reply on our timeline - not theirs - is also about them realizing their attempts to produce a desired response in us failed. They then abandon the entire attempt. It was never about the topic they called about, but instead about how they can garner our attention, our time and our energy.

[wisingup]

My general pattern is to jump when my mother calls, mainly just to get the whole stupid conversation over with.

Yes, me too!  It's such a life-long engrained pattern. 

  <--- That's me, playing an epic drum solo because of how you handled this.

Thank you - I love this!!

Dammit man, youre GOOD!

Thank you - This means so much coming from you Moglow!!!

My phone is set to send all my moms call directly to voicemail, so I don't even have to bother deciding to ignore her. Then I read her voicemails rather than listening.

Good job!!  I have been INTENDING to operate like this for a long time.  Yesterday was the first day I actually managed it.  My life could have been very different if I'd held the line 30 years ago. 

I sometimes wonder if their lack of response to us when we reply on our timeline - not theirs - is also about them realizing their attempts to produce a desired response in us failed. They then abandon the entire attempt. It was never about the topic they called about, but instead about how they can garner our attention, our time and our energy.

This is profound - yes, I think she uses crises & problems to get my attention.  I stay VLC with her as much as I can, so this is the way that has worked for her.

She never did respond to my text.  She called this morning, but did not leave a message.  I'm not going to call back.  My text is there, giving her a forum to tell me the problem if she chooses.

[Liketheducks]

Way to go!   

[athene1399]

I am so glad you were able to stick to your boundaries ( not answering or calling her back immediately) and doing what you needed to decompress after a hectic day. I have noticed with some PDs that what we would consider as something small is often a crisis to them. I am glad you were able to decide that it wasn't a real crisis and to keep your space u til you were ready to text back

[JollyJazz]

Basically, she had tried to do something & made a bit of a mess of it & wanted me to help fix it.  At the point that she called, someone was waiting on her to make a decision.  I read the message, took a few breaths, and ... did nothing.  I finished my work day, went for a run, then texted her to see if she was able to resolve the situation.

Brilliant stuff Wising up!!!

She shouldn't be calling you at work, and giving you the ST afterwards is classic. They always want us to be at their beck and call, and do not respect boundaries, indeed boundaries are a threat to their feelings of entitlement!

You handled it really really well!  so cool. Like a boss as they say! 

Also - I remember feeling sad after getting an epic silent treatment from my PDM after she 'home invaded' me last time and I told her I did not appreciate that and stepped out of the caregiver role. In 'Stop caregiving the borderline or narcissist' they actually talk about how it's normal for PDs to give the ST when we step out of the caregiver role.

So it's all a wonderful sign of growth and progress! Hope you can reward yourself with some lovely self care!

[Hilltop]

Well done.  That is a really great idea of reading the voicemail back rather than listening to it.  I don't know about anyone else but tone of voice can send an unspoken message and be triggering.  Simply reading text takes away a lot of the subtle messages that are conveyed. 

That is a really great idea.

[wisingup]

I don't know about anyone else but tone of voice can send an unspoken message and be triggering.  Simply reading text takes away a lot of the subtle messages that are conveyed.

Oh yes - when she calls me she is almost always "worked up" in some way - upset, angry, sick, what have you.  My heart rate always jumps a mile when I see her name as the caller.  And in hindsight, whatever she is so worked up about in the moment is never such a big deal.  She trained me as a kid to smooth her path, so here we still are.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

She trained me as a kid to smooth her path, so here we still are.

I think that is so true. We learn certain behaviors as a child and carry them into adulthood. It seems like muscle memory, and so easy to go into a familiar mode and not realize in the moment. It is shocking to me when I can take a step back, take a breath, and realize what I just did.

[wisingup]

Blueberry Pancakes - yes, if I hoped that if I could anticipate what could go wrong & head it off, I could  avoid a meltdown & rage episode.   It's formed the basis for my whole way of functioning in the world.  It makes me a great employee, though one prone to burnout, but is generally a recipe for anxiety & stress.

[moglow]

We learn certain behaviors as a child and carry them into adulthood. It seems like muscle memory, and so easy to go into a familiar mode and not realize in the moment. It is shocking to me when I can take a step back, take a breath, and realize what I just did.

I hoped that if I could anticipate what could go wrong & head it off, I could  avoid a meltdown & rage episode.   It's formed the basis for my whole way of functioning in the world.  It makes me a great employee, though one prone to burnout, but is generally a recipe for anxiety & stress.

Both of these comments are familiar to me as well. It becomes instinctive after being drilled into us as how we must respond. Even when we have no possible [or acceptable?] answer for what they're experiencing, here we are.

Wisingup, I've come to the realization that mine calls when she has a rage wound up and ready to go. She's aiming for a catalyst and there's no way to second guess what that might be. Any and everything can and will set her off and she'll run with it as long as it's allowed. If I ask questions she explodes that I'd know if I had called, if I don't ask it's because I supposedly don't care. Truly lose-lose and I had to learn to let go of the outcome. Last summer I let her go with it until she ran out of steam and it was pathetic. She dredged up so much inconsequential ancient crap, basically all boiled down to her insecurities and resentments she'd held on to and dug down into.

After a lifetime of always stepping into their poop and having to clean up after, unlearning is a process. Baby steps! I'm all about some baby steps. Seeing it for what it is will really help you along the way.

[p123]

Dads calls go straight to voicemail now. I made the mistake years ago telling him it was ok to phone me in the office it was important....

Important then became "electricity bill is £20 more than I expected". So I told him to limit it.

This then started him off that "my employer should be more flexible and know I've got an elderly parent to look after". Its my client NOT my employer as well. Most people are pretty good either way but I can't imagine telling a client I had to bail from an important meeting because Dad was concerned about £20. Does he get it? Nope....