Setting healthy boundaries

[nomoredrama]

How do you all set healthy boundaries?
Growing up I never realized how unhealthy and dysfunctional my home life really was until I had a family of my own. I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. My mother and sister both have health problems that effects their thinking and how they receive information. They won't admit it or at least they don't talk about it but to make things easier for them I normally would bend to their needs and never really stood up for myself. This has followed me into adulthood, and I am trying to break that link.

A lot of life changing events have happened these last few years and I have noticed how much more my sister and mother are causing havoc to my inner peace.
They are both very manipulative. It's not noticeable until they already have you on the hook and by then you just go along with it because it's not worth the drama. The guilt trip is felt deep into the bones. Things get twisted around and you begin questioning yourself in what was said or done to deserve such treatment. You never know what version you will get. It has reached a point where when I see their name pop up on my phone that I freeze...I become panicky.
When I muster the courage to pick up, I speak so fast and with a cheery high-pitched voice so they can't detect anything that might be going wrong in my life. When they find out something isn't going as planned, they seem to make all my situations worse by overwhelming me with questions and put fear into me that I prematurely make hasty decisions. I cannot think of a time where I was able to just talk about my life without them getting emotionally involved and trying to "save" me.

It has gotten so bad that I don't want to share anything anymore because they look at me as I am keeping secrets or not disclosing the full story. They become very passive aggressive and throw small subtle poison darts just enough for you to notice that they know the whole truth, or you upset them but won't express what they are really feeling so you can keep wondering what you did wrong. They seem to just feed off negativity. 

My husband was recently diagnosed with bipolar. We had our suspicions, but he just couldn't get the care he needed for a long time. Obviously, things have been hard on the Homefront, and I distanced myself to take care of my own wellbeing. During that time my husband lost his job and my family found out. Immediately I was placed into a victim role and was told that my husband needs to stop blaming everything on me. When I asked what he has blamed me for I received no answer. I don't know what he had said but I explained that he wasn't well and that he is receiving treatment now. The response had me shocked. I was told he needs to man up because he has a family to take care of and it can't all be put on me. This was the last time I spoke in person to my sister.

I just don't understand why she can't just ask me how I am doing without trying to find someone to blame. I don't need someone to save me I just need someone who really cares about how I am doing and who just listens without me feeling like a constant failure. What really saddens me is she can't hug or say I love you. I understand we all have our own love language but the distance I am feeling has really weighed heavily on me for years now.

Because I couldn't deal with it anymore, I decided to stop calling and checking in for a few weeks. My mother who spends almost every day with my sister asked me what's going on. I was so frustrated that I completely overshared and just told her I need some time to work on myself and can't deal with this constant calling and checking in between us 3 every day. I told her how hard things have been for me and our whole family situation is making me feel even more overwhelmed.
Once I felt like I was in a better place I slowly tried to reach out again. For the most part I received no response. Immediately I felt guilty again. Did I go to far? Am I overreacting in trying to get a clear head while I am mentally struggling with everything that's going on?  Am I being selfish for not reaching out to them while knowing they both have this condition, and they probably can't help it?

When my sister and I finally spoke, she said thanks for thinking of me. Haven't heard from you in a while. Then just like a switch, the passive aggressive came out and she said" I had strict instructions not to contact you". Obviously, my mother had told her but deep down I can't understand if you know someone is struggling why can't you just for once try to understand where that person is coming from and not make it about you. When I know someone is struggling, I would let them know that it's ok and that I am here for them whenever they are ready. I am really having a hard time because as family I wished they had my back where I know I have support. Especially now while I am learning to accept my husband's diagnosis.

Obviously, there are always two sides to a story, and I honestly don't know how they feel in all of this because our family doesn't speak about this stuff as it is seen as being weak. I just always feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. 
Thank you for letting me share this here today and if you have any suggestions how I could set healthy boundaries for the future I would really appreciate it very much.

[bloomie]

Hi nomoredrama - there is a lot to think through in the complicated circumstances you are facing. How wise to start with learning to work with boundaries and how to set limits in place that will offer some much needed space and breathing room.

Starting with what we can control and change, which is always and only ourselves, takes some pressure off. Learning to accept that we do not have the support system in our family of origin that we need and that that may not ever change is a place of healthy letting go of the expectation that your sister and mom will get it.

Looking outside your family of origin, as you are doing right now, by reaching out for support, encouragement, insights and resources to help you cope with your DH's diagnosis and all that entails might serve you more fully in the long run.

I have found that understanding where I begin and another ends was a starting place after coming from a family dynamic of enmeshment. Just taking that one central unhealthy family dynamic and learning about it was key for me in realizing how normalized it was for family members to have no emotional independence from one another.

A helpful definition is:

Enmeshment is a form of emotional control that is achieved through manipulation. This makes it difficult to form boundaries, and, in fact, boundaries are mostly nonexistent in enmeshed relationships. Since family members are made to feel as though they must depend on each other for their sense of self, there is no room for functioning independently

Maternal Enmeshment: The Chosen Child
Dee Hann-Morrison

Here are just a few of the behaviors considered normal, and loving even,  I have identified in my FOO and my in law family around the generational pattern of enmeshment:

- if one member is not okay, all members are expected to be not okay
- parent's emotional needs are met through child 
- the family system is inflexible
- the family system is hostile and distrustful of differences
- independence and self differentiation is not tolerated
- difficulty or an inability to support one another
- making important life decisions decisions based on what a parent or sibling wants versus what we want
- all personal information - medical, financial, spiritual... belongs to the FOO
- lack of privacy
- triangulation - gossip, slander, criticism

I could go on, but you can see that once we begin to identify patterns and behaviors in our FOO we can then begin to build boundaries in areas we may be accepting that create openings for drama and strife to enter.

There are some great threads here on the forum board where the community discusses boundaries and how that can look for them. Here is a great boundary thread: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=24.0

Here is a great article that overviews the difference between enmeshment and closeness in families: https://www.verywellhealth.com/enmeshment-healing-steps-5223635

In learning and growing I find that I am better able to have compassion and patience for my own enmeshed family members. That doesn't mean I still engage and cooperate with unhealthy generational patterns, but I do now understand better how others view 'family' and how damaging these unhealthy patterns continue to be.

There are so many great resources out there to learn to detach with love from parts of the family system that have become toxic to us and to not repeat those patterns in our family of choice. For now, starting with one thing that may be connected to all of the other things could be helpful.

[sandpiper]

It's a long journey, learning to set healthy boundaries, but you've come to a good place.
there are some great resources and books available but you can learn a lot just by reading.
Most of us start off here hoping that we can change our relationships with our chaotic families and at some point we realise that we need to focus on our own mental health and part of that is stepping back a bit from the family drama and building healthier relationships outside our families.
have a look in the tool box and at some of the books on setting boundaries.
PDFOO tend to react to healthy boundaries like you're throwing holy water over a vampire. I was never able to set healthy boundaries with my FOO so I went VLC and eventually, NC. I have healthier relationships with family of choice these days and every time I do have to deal with the absolute circus that is my family, I come out of it feeling like none of the tools that I have learned over the years have made a jot of difference - other than my capacity to protect myself.
Where the boundaries and the relationship skills have made a huge difference is in my own relationship with my partner and my friends. I've built a much better life for myself over the last few decades since I stepped off the rollercoaster ride of conflict  that is life inside my family.
I recommend reading posts by some of the members who have been here the longest. There is a lot of wisdom in the hive mind here.
There's a lot to learn so think of it like a process of higher learning like tertiary education and just set yourself some goals for what you want, rather than what you want from your family.
One thing I will say is that geographic distance works wonders so if you can plan to arrange your life in the future so you aren't in the same city as them, it really does make a huge difference.

[LemonLime]

Hi nomoredrama,
I'm sorry for what you're going through.  Lots of people here understand.

I'd like to put a plug in for Jerry Wise videos on YouTube.  They've been so valuable to me for learning boundaries.