One year out

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi everyone,

It's been a year since I left, but still another couple of years until I can formally begin divorce proceedings (my country has laws to this effect).

I have found myself in a strange position with pdH. I have always been scared of him having unsupervised access to the kids because of his mental health issues and lack of experience in caring for them. In fact the opposite has happened. He has rented a trailer so small it's not suitable for visitation, so he has all his visitation at my house. There is nobody else available to host. He doesnt have friends or family nearby. So he comes to my house several times a week and treats me like shit.

He can barely say hello to me. He gives me silent treatment, hostile glares and smirks, ignores me when I try to make small talk -whilst being pleasant and chatty with the kids. In other words, he treats me just how he did when we were married. He is unbelievably entitled. He comes into my home, uses my resources - heating, electricity, food, toys and stickers, craft materials for the kids etc. I even caught him robbing my toilet paper. I'm not kidding. I'm a single mother on a fairly low wage, not receiving any maintenance from him, and he blatantly walks out with a couple of rolls of toilet paper he has just lifted from my bathroom and shoved in his backpack.

And I say nothing to him. This is what makes me so mad at myself. I say nothing. The reason I've come to realise I think I am suffering PTSD from his rages, particularly from a few years ago when I was pregnant and he raged at me daily and came close to physical violence. I've come to realise I am still scared of him. I'm scared of triggering his rage. I'm also scared if I annoy him too much he will take me to court and demand increased access to the kids, with overnight stays etc, which would be catastrophic for them.

So I'm not sure what to do. I have asked him to please stop giving me silent treatment and creating bad atmosphere in front of the kids. He just says he is "grieving" and "heartbroken" because of the split, and he can't help acting that way. So in other words I'm to blame for my own abuse.

I try to stay out of the house when he is there for visitation, just to protect myself from his behaviour. But we can't go on like this. The only way for me to really heal is to have less contact with him, but how can I achieve that when we have young children together and he is in my home every other day?!

I don't mean to moan. In so many ways my life and my kids lives are so much better since leaving. We have so much fun and the atmosphere is light and relaxed (when he is not there). I just want to make further progress away from the fog, and find a place where I am not just surviving but thriving. Right now I'm still in survival mode and I'm just wondering how to move on.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry you have to endure these distressing and possibly dangerous encounters with your husband. Would it be possible for there to be visitation at a neutral location (e.g., under the auspices of a child protective services agency or organization)?

[JustKeepTrying]

CagedBirdSinging

It sounds like the divorce and child protection laws in your country are very different from mine.  That being said, Poison Ivy's comment of a neutral location is a good one.  I suspect that you can't stop him from coming to your place every time but perhaps for your own peace of mind, you can arrange visits at a park or playland.  That would give you a few moments where it's ok to sit on a bench, read a book and sip water.

As for when he is in your home, GR, and MC the whole time.  Use those tools.  Remember this is about him, not you.  It stinks that it is so but you are a good mother and good person and you don't deserve this.  You deserve better.

Make sure you talk to your lawyer as well.  Are there any alternatives?

Finally, consider journaling.  All this constant exposure must surely have your nerves jangling.  Do a mental/emotional dump into a journal at night.  I write daily and basically (sounds gross) open an emotional vein, don't self-monitor, just write it all out.  Stuff I wouldn't say or look at in the eye or admit to myself but I write it ALL.  It really help me maintain that objectivity needed for MC and GR.

I am sending you peace and support from afar.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks PoisonIvy and JustKeepTrying I appreciate your support so much. I'm really quite isolated and don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I can't afford therapy. I'm struggling just to pay rent.

Meeting in a neutral place would be ideal but doesnt work in practice. It's cold here, we can't always be hanging around a freezing cold park. It's not a long term solution. I just have to put up with current arrangement until he finds somewhere else to live.

Everytime he walks into my house  I'm being punished with hostile looks, silent treatment, sometimes verbal attacks and the hostile atmosphere I tried so hard to get away from. I've been subjected to a year of psychological assault, made to feel guilty all the time. There has been a series of health scares, stuff involving his family, his terrible living conditions- all my fault. He has played the victim every step of the way, and made me feel like a heartless tyrant. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I've been so worn down, I feel quite unwell. I sometimes have heart pains, I can't sleep properly and find it hard to concentrate. I never get a breather because I always have his next visit looming over me.

But look I'll be ok. I just need to get through this somehow. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have left, because this is worse than my marriage. Holidays have been particularly bad. At least when he goes back to work next week the visits will be shorter.

Thanks for listening x

[JustKeepTrying]

CagedBirdSinging,

That sounds absolutely brutal.  I have one more bit of coping advice since it sounds like you experience trauma on a daily basis.  Journal.  Do an emotional dump into a journal.  For example, I started a file on my computer and every night I write in freeform unedited even from myself just a pure emotional dump daily.  I don't stop myself when I write and some of the stuff I put down surprise me - those thoughts that flit in and out and scare you - I write them down.  Somehow, that emotional dump removes the poison from me and gave me a distant perspective when I had to deal with my ex.  It took me two years to get rid of him after the papers were filed and they were brutal years.  Every night I bled emotionally on that journal and it truly helped me cope.

Please don't underestimate the effects this psychological onslaught is having on your physically.  Consider seeing a psychiatrist for meds to help in the short term as well.

[Poison Ivy]

Even if it's too cold to be outside, I still recommend that you find out whether visitation can be supervised by a child protective services agency. Here is an example from a Wisconsin city.  https://canopycenter.org/programs-services/parent-to-child/parent-to-child-p2c.html

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks PoisonIvy and JustKeepTrying- your support helped me over a very difficult few days. He has gone back to work, and has backed off a bit. I'm feeling stronger already. Prior to the holidays, I had been doing really well and enjoying my new found freedom. I guess it's a lesson learnt: any time holidays are coming up, I need to have a strategy in place. Thanks again to the 2 of you- I'm doing ok now x

[hhaw]

CBS:

You're operating in fight or flight survival mode.  I recognize it. 

That said, you're also doing your best to placate your stbxH and maybe that's the best strategy available to you right now.

You have only 2 strategies available, ime. 

Placate the PD or exert authority over him through the courts.

If you can learn to calm your hijacked biochemistry, you can access you ability to reason, be logical and creatively problem solve, which is HUGE and helpful in every way, ime.

Tuning into your body, where you hold your tension, pain, discomfort can help esp if you focus on breathing while doing it.

Breathing deeply....filling lungs from bottom to top slowly, like filling a vase, focus on bodily pain. 

Give the pain a number from 1-10.

Name it.  Is it sharp?  Dull?  Burning?  Where is it? 

Breathe 10 times, filling lungs bottom to top like the vase, then check your pain. 

If it's getting better, continue with this process till pain is Gone or it stops improving

If not improving, focus on a part of your body that's neutral.....shins?  Feet?  Some part that feels ok.....then breathe 10 times while focused on that part. 

Check the pain and see if you can breathe and focus on it for 10 breaths..

The point of this is to sneak up under your brain's fight or flight mode and unhook the wires with this mindfulness strategy.  It's nuerobiology and you have my re power over yourself than you know.

Sometimes it's just impossible to BE mindful when it feels like a tiger's chasing us, which OS the definition of survival mode.

You can try pushing as hard as you can on a doorframe if you're unable to focus on  breathing and body AT ALL.

Fight or flight brain thinks it's vescaping a tiger ...it wants to MOVE.  To act. To save itself so act....push.....but breathe and try to find some helpful focus..... don't give up.

Calm breathing is impossible when a tiger is really chasing us, so breathing calmly CAN shift us into our frontal cortex and out of survival brain..... I've done it.  You can do it too.

Also helpful to engage the part of your body responsible for calming fight or flight (PNS) Parasympathetic Nervous System.  I wish someone had explained this to me 20 years ago.  Instead, I paid a therapist a lot of money to do it in recent years.  I so want you to benefit, CBS......when you're struggling and feel chased by the devil......try ....

Cold showers
Gargling deeply
Splashing cold water on face
Walking backwards around a trashcan
Pushing hard on doorjamb
Walking mindfully, placing feet as though kissing the earth with each slow step are all tools to help take control of your hijacked biochemistry, ime   

I do these things IF I'm too upset to sit and focus on breathe.  I try to end every shower with icy cold water every day.  I stay hydrated.  I limit processed carbs and eat protein with fresh vegetables....MCT oil in my coffee.....stretch daily.

These things take focus, but the payoff is access to your very best self and ability to problem solve.....it gives you access to more choice, ime.  You NEED the ability to SEE more choice.

My Martial Arts teacher tried to teach me to meditate when I was unable to breathe....like you.  I couldn't eat and I felt like the devil was chasing me.

I couldn't DO it.  That made me ashamed and angry and I beat myself up, so..... I'll share what I feel would have helped me succeed.

1.  To stop judging.  Everything.  Just STOP over and over.  Stop.
2.  Replace judgment with curiosity.  I would have wondered what was under the fear and shame and sat with the difficult emotions.......tended to them like small children.  They're messengers.
3.  Extended tsunamis of self compassion to myself, always....at every moment, extending forgiveness and care when I couldn't.  Over and over.  It gets easier if you just try.

4.  Learned to ACCEPT everything as it is.... without trying to change those things out of my control.  Learning to let things BE.....just as it is....is helpful.  It frees up energy and focus, to plan and respond....to be responsive to ourselves, our situations and our children, ime.

We can't meet our children's needs if we aren't tending to them ur own needs

So be very kind to yourself.  Invest in calming your Nervous System, expanding your window of resilience and recovering more quickly when your stbx upsets you.  EXPECT him to do terrible things and to escalate the interpersonal terror as you begin feeling better.  It's what PDs DO.  It will be ok.  Remember that....
  Breathe.

Invest in yourself.  Breathe.  Be kind.  Ignore the PD and focus on your mission.....to free yourself from reactivity. 

Your PD is your crisis of the week ( COW) right now, but there will always be COWs.

Train yourself to calm your brain and body.  You can restore your agency, choice and power......you can model healthy coping strategies for your chilldren, which is HUGE.  It is everything.

So.....know you can take your ,power back from the PD.

Know you're more powerful than you feel..... you're worthy and deserve tending to.  That's what meditation really is.  Tending to yourself, your physical sensations, thoughts, emotions and understanding that facing your pain/ fear is where you overcome it.  Meet it.  Welcome it. 

Do not fear.

Instead breathe and focus your attention to stop the biochemical hijack and restore access to higher brain function/ problem solving skills.  It's not hard if you know w how. 

You're your most important asset right now. Your children need you to be responsive to them.....they suffer when you're stuck in fight or flight reactivity.

In a nutshell.....
Instead of worry worry worrying.....
do what you can do, then put the PD/ divorce story on the shelf for a while and look your children in the eyes.  Get down on their level and BE present with them in the moment.  Really SEE them.

Seek out joy bc it's right there, as easy to focus on as the fear and pain IF WE ARE MINDFUL and calm enough to recognize....we have choice in the matter, every moment.  f# CK the PD and his control over your thoughts.  Take it back.  Get it back when you slip. 

Ten years from now you'll look back.  What will you remember?   I hope you remember the fortes you built, the stories you made up for your children, the art you helped them create.  Write the child's title on everything and the date.  You'll be happy you did.  I promise.

I hope you spend very little time regretting the moments you let the PD' s behaviors consume your attention and health.

You can Lim t the time and joy your stbx ribs from you.  You'll see ... it's true.

Your children KNOW when you aren't ok. 

Know you have choices every moment of every day. 

Choosing joy costs you nothing, outside mindfulness, ime.

I wish the best possible outcome for you and your children.

P.S.  Think of your broken/ disordered stbx as a science project.  Examine his curiously self destructive choices and marvel at your ability to make happier choices.  YOU are your childrens' "good enough parent."  You will teach them to deal with PD s or you won't.

You can frame choices as happy or sad Choices to explain normal and disordered, ime.  Be Mama Bear.  Be curious, self compassionate and non Judgmental of all things.....be selective in thought, word and deed, bc you have can

Your wretched stbx has zero choice.  How tragic is that?

Hopefully, just one last generation deep, ending with stbx.

You can do this. 






It's all just practice.  Things get easier as we practice.  Knowing failure is on the path to relief and serenity