Emotionally speaking, something is off and it's affecting everything..

[OneOneSeven]

I had my Lightbulb moment aprox a week ago. Ever since then, I've been reshaping my perspective towards my parents. I was progressing through the stages of grief and realized in the end that even though I love them, going NC is the right thing to do. I have no plan due to how complicated the logistics of doing so is.
Things happened. I live in a dorm in a city 300 km away from my parents. I was planning to spend my 1 week inter semester vacation alone in order for me to solidify my stance. My Nparents felt threatened by the idea, and forced me to come. Now I am their prisoner and what's worst about it is that I feel myself wanting to forget about their horrible effect on me. I almost want to discredit everything I read. I am not sure how I feel. Agitated and disassociated might be close.
My opinions have reverted back to slavery. I now longer feel like going NC is the only option. I am back to bargaining and slowly sinking into denial. What should I do? 

[bee well]

I'm sorry you are feeling trapped and hopeless. It's quite uncomfortable and demoralizing to be in a place of decisiveness and then to have your plan, or train of thought interrupted.

In any case, while our feelings exist, and they are something real that is happening inside us, they are not who we are. Our state, in any given moment, is temporary, and it doesn't have to define our existence. We can shape our lives and what we want to do with them, step by step.

One alternative would be to get through the week, and observe what goes on during the visit so you have more information to assess the situation when you are in a separate space.

You even could take it day by day, or hour by hour. A possibile affirmation is, "Today I am not going to have conversations , or limit conversations about _X___" or if that isn't practical "For ___X__ period I am not going to react to provocations."

If you have a chance to take a walk, put on your headphones and listen to music, or do some drawing or writing, other activity that doesn't require you to go long distances could help.  A bath or a shower can be a good way to get a break. If you can't be alone, just sitting and taking some deep breaths, wherever you are, is a way to disconnect and relax.

I am not qualified to say what you should do but I will permit myself to suggest that you avoid making decisions when you are feeling emotionally charged, or indecisive. Sometimes people make decisions out of a sense of urgency to "do something." It often feels better not to have to make a decision, but that isn't a guarantee it will  turn out well. (I am assuming there is no hurry, and that no one is in physical danger, in that case call for help and remove yourself immediately.)

Reducing or removing the toxicity is essential for healing. NC has been effective for many of us. But it's just one of many options you can choose.

You might  consider mapping out the pros and cons of different actions you can take, and the potential effects as they relate to your hopes, goals, and values in life.

NC, in my opinion, is a last resort, as it can have a domino effect on other relationships and situations in our lives that is not easily undone. The NC decision would ideally be preceded by a long period of thought and consideration. That doesn't mean enduring abuse to confirm what you know about FOO.  It's a matter of protecting your interests and making sure you have resources to sustain yourself should you decide to go NC.

The interruption created by the visit doesn't have to derail your decision making process. If there is a delay in your decision, or a period of uncertainty, the time can be used to plan and anticipate any challenges that might be  faced down the line. Whatever you decide to do, you have the right to change your mind as new information surfaces.

It's natural that you would question what you read---the info out there can be useful and validating but there is no one size fits all. Only you know where you are in life at this time and only you can decide what is right for you.

If you have access to therapy, you might consider trying that. Sometimes it take a while to find the right therapist, but speaking to someone outside of your situation could be an outlet for you to verbalize your feelings and gain perspective as you map out the situation.

This forum is an excellent source of support  for those in NC or thinking about it (as I think you know or you wouldn't be here) if you haven't already, I suggest you check out the tool box and glossary sections of the site.

I hope you will continue to interact in this space as you navigate your situation.

In the meantime, take care of yourself!

[Cat of the Canals]

I am not qualified to say what you should do but I will permit myself to suggest that you avoid making decisions when you are feeling emotionally charged, or indecisive. Sometimes people make decisions out of a sense of urgency to "do something." It often feels better not to have to make a decision, but that isn't a guarantee it will  turn out well. (I am assuming there is no hurry, and that no one is in physical danger, in that case call for help and remove yourself immediately.)

Totally agree with this and wanted to add that you are very early on in the process, OneOneSeven. You aren't going to have everything figured out in a week, and that's OK. There will be times when you find yourself wanting to forget it and go willingly back into the FOG (been there, lol). You will find something that works for you, whether it's LC or NC.

The things that helped me most in my journey were:
-journaling, which not only acted as a record of things so I couldn't "gaslight" myself in foggy moments, but also helped keep the thoughts from spinning around in my head. It was a place where I could rant and rave for however long I needed to.
-finding some kind of community (like this group), so I had a place where I could vent to people who get it.
-reading books (Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Understanding the Borderline Mother, and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist are 3 of my favorites)

[OneOneSeven]

I appreciate the advice guys.
I will keep on trying to stay afloat. Thanks for the support, means a ton to me.

[pianissimo]

Doing NC with parents could be hard especially when you are young and don't have sufficient resources. For example, I would find more physical comfort in my parents' house than my dorm when I was at university. Also, living on your own and dealing with life can be hard too, requires some other set of skills abuse survivors are deprived of. It takes time to get to that place where you can get by on your own. Financial freedom doesn't ensure that on its own. If something about your FOO works for you, then, it works for you. I checked your previous posts. You mention being attacked by a security guard in the dorm. To me, it would seem so understandable if you wanted to sway with your parents after this incident, even though they are abusive. I'm 38, I'm relatively well-adjusted, and, I still feel like calling my father for help when there is something I find difficult to deal with. I have been battling with this need this past year actually. So, don't be so hard on yourself for wanting to stay there.

[OneOneSeven]

I am very conflicted. You are right. I absolutely lack the skills necessary to face life on my own. Beyond the financial, and dealing with things like a job or people, I very much barely can handle my own self. The future just got blurry again. And with a disrupted emotional core, making decisions is only stupid. It gets worse before it gets better. That's what's keeping it together for me right now. I swear before coming to my parents house this week, I slowly started feeling like I was waking up. As if all those years I've been living were one big fat nightmare. I am just really tired from fighting all the time. Myself, my parents, or anyone. I just want to be at peace.