I thought I went NC, but come to think of it, I think HE/THEY did

[dreamtree]

 

Its been FOUR YEARS and no regrets.

So, basically I avoided telling my father and his PD wife (NOT my mother who died 28 years ago) that I had no intention of seeing them again, until they finally asked why I had ignored their cards and letters (these were only sent once a year, so, it wasnt a big attempt to get through to me).

I took the opportunity in March 2018 when I felt ready to do so, and responded _very_ clearly.

1) Really bad things happened to me and my daughter when I was living with them, and those things didnt happen to him or to her.
2) I was being expected to sweep these events under the rug, which I absolutely will not do
3) If HE wants to keep in touch with me, he certainly can, as I am always glad to hear from him, and to know everyone is doing well.

And not since then has he reached out.

Now, he is not being kept tethered in a dungeon. He has something close to free will, and he is CHOOSING this family over his actual daughter and granddaughter.

I wish I could convey how simple this is to me now, and yet how excruciating the path to get to this clarity actually was.

In an underhanded move that really shouldnt shock me even a little, his wife reached out to my abusive PD ex via facebook to try to extract my new address from him so that my father could send cards to my daughter. (?!) The fact that my dads wife chums up to and now FOLLOWS my ex on fb demonstrates the final elimination of any shred of decency that I might have imagined she harbored in some dim cavern of her mind.

I'm actually chuckling as I type this, because it is truly preposterous. On occasion I still feel like one day I will be left with the bags when my father dies which I fully expect will happen within a few years.

I will under no circumstances attend any service. That decision was made years ago.

However, the reality gutpunch of how he is lost to me, and how that process began when my mother died 28 years ago, comes to roost now and then.

No way around it. It's going to hurt when he dies.  A lot. But I will NOT let any  member of that family near me or my child or my husband for any reason at any time.

They are like radioactive waste. Not safe in ANY quantity! 

[dreamtree]

I guess I want to add, in case its helpful for anyone else:  Because this is my father, I struggled a lot to understand what the right thing to do actually is. The only thing I kept coming back to is that my mental and physical health had to come first, because I need to protect myself in order to be here for my daughter and husband.

Interestingly, because I knew a cancer diagnosis was coming (long story short: I just knew) when I went NC I realized it was going to be a great advantage in that I would not have to tell him OR any member of his family as I knew they would use it as a weird sort of information currency.

So to this day my father has no idea. And I really really really need it to stay that way.

its interesting to note that if my objective was to "connect" with my father , because he is my father and I do love him, telling him the disease that took my mother 28 years ago had knocked at my door as well might "get through" to him. And, maybe it would. But I dont want him to want to connect with me only because he thinks I might die, or anything remotely similar.

Also, an "awakening" of the grief he suppressed in an entirely abnormal way, probably to his direct detriment, is not something that will likely benefit him now, much less benefit ME.

If he confronts THAT, then his abandonment of his only child and only grandchild would be inescapable.

For now, he has chosen to live in the comfort provided by his wife that this is all my fault.

I should mention the straw that broke the camels back was when her daughter shoved and verbally assaulted me while intoxicated and NO ONE came to help me. This was at a family function at their house where I was staying to escape an abusive spouse.

They then expected me to "forgive" her despite her not being the least bit remorseful, and expected me to come to family functions with her present as if nothing happened. My dad's literal advice "Let grass grow over it". He made the mistake if SHUSHING me when I tried to tell him what happened. I wouldnt let him shush me. Yet, he still did not stand up for me in light of this random bizarre and vicous attack.

It was clear they knew what her beef with me was. Since I only see her a few times a year, and barely interact with her, I did not know what that beef was. Because she was drunk, she wasnt making sense, so, her explanation didnt help.


One line I remember was "You radiate SO much POSITIVE ENERGY". (?)

Its unclear if that was the beef.