Dealing with enablers and flying monkeys

[Holly1234]

It's been a while since I wrote in this forum. I've been NC with my Nbrother for about 11 years and my NMum for about a year.

Two weeks ago I received a phone call from a private number.  It was my NMum's boyfriend calling to tell me that I was 'immoral' and how could I have caused them 'so much pain' by cutting them out. He was screaming down the phone, literally salivating with anger.

The call came on a Monday afternoon at about 4pm. I had to leave an important work situation to take the call, and I found myself standing in a work corridor calmly trying to deescalate him.

He went on about how much my Nmum had done for me. And how I needed to 'respect' her.

When I had the final conversation with my Nmum a year ago I specifically told her that if she loves me (as she constantly claims to while abusing me) then she will make sure that I do not receive any abusive calls from her partner. This is a man that is ex-military, has previously told me he 'knows people that can take care of me' and that he would have me 'taken care of.' On this particular phone call he kept saying I would face 'consequences' and he pushed and pushed for me to meet him in person.

I am proud of the way I responded, I stayed calm and didn't give any details away. I told him repeatedly that I had spoken at length with my NMum about the reasons for me not wanting her in my life and that he should talk to her about it. I told him this was between me and her. I told him that under no circumstances would I see him or would they see me or my child.

The reality is:

1.   He started dating my mother 9 months after my parents divorced. In the country I live in, you cannot get a divorce until you have been separated for 12 months, so he was dating a married woman that he met in a nightclub.
2.   He was living in a one bedroom apartment (which there is nothing wrong with), however he then moved in to my family home which was a large home that was the product of my fathers lifetime of hard work.
3.   He slept naked on the same bed that my father had slept on, with me (a teenager) sleeping down the hall. Several times I saw him leave their bedroom naked.
4.   Before the divorce, my mother went out to clubs and came home drunk and my parents screamed violently at each other until 2-3am with me in the house.
5.   I remember waiting for the click of the door every night, indicating that my mother was home and the screaming was about to begin.
6.   There were several times I asked my NMum and father to stop screaming.
7.   I would go to sleep at 3am and then get up at 6am to get ready and go to school in my final two years of school. My Nmum would drop me at school and go back to bed to sleep off her hangover.
8.   While my mother was out at clubs my father would sit at home and get drunk and often times cry to me about my NMum and how he was sure she was cheating on him. As a 15 – 16 year old I was forced to comfort him and bear the emotional burden of his breakdown.
9.   My father would wake at night from nightmares screaming 'who are cheating on me with?'. As a child, in the house alone with him I would rush in to comfort him.
10.   I would go to school and have kids tell me they had seen Nmum out at nightclubs with men.
11.   Anytime I ever raised an issue I was gaslit, told they were 'struggling' and told I had a 'comfortable' life.
12.   My Nmum not once asked me how I was. Neither parent discussed the divorce with me in the context of a breakdown of family, and any support I might need. My Nmum simply said 'some relationships have an expiry date.'
13.   I continued to be parentified in the worst possible ways by both parents. I was put in the middle.
14.   My father was an older father, he had me in his 50s. So when my mother decided to leave him was a man close to 70 with numerous health problems. She made constant belittling comments about him being an 'old man.'
15.   Despite me being the youngest child by far I was the one tasked with looking after him. I helped him move house, I built his furniture, I took him to his doctors appointments, I was the ONLY one that showed up for him when he was hospitalised for strokes/heart attacks. My father became angry and took all of his emotions out on me, he for some reason blamed me for the sins of my Nmum.
16.   My Nmum completely twisted the narrative to be the victim. It was all about her, and she used her new boyfriend as a shield so she never had to have the difficult conversations.

I was left to deal with all of my emotions, and their emotions, on my own, while being told they were doing 'everything for me', which for the two of them involved keeping a roof over my head. It never seemed to matter to them that there was no stability in that home. I was expected to welcome their new partners, treat everyone with respect and continue to be the 'perfect child' as evidence of their stellar parenting.

Years of therapy helped me realise that my Nmum is a covert narcissist, my Nbrother I have long suspected is an overt narcissist.

My NMum uses money and paying for things as a way to hide her abuse in plain sight: how could she possibly be a bad mother when she paid for my college? When in reality she has been triangulating me and scapegoating me her whole life.

There are so many things that have been said and done, so many times I have been blamed for their wrongs. I realise now that I lived my entire life in survival mode, I found sanctuary with my friends and their parents and then with my partner and career.

All I want is to be left alone. I don't want abusive calls, I don't want further shaming, guilting, verbal abuse. If they think I am the bad guy: so be it. Leave me alone. Leave my family alone. You don't deserve anything more from me. They have used their financial success to hide their alcoholism, verbal and at times physical abuse. I don't want to put my wife and son through these things, another generation should not be exposed to these things.

Does the anger ever stop? How can these people not see their part in all of this? Not one person during my parent's divorce asked me how I was. There are 6 marriages between my parents, and yet none of them can see that perhaps its them that is the root of the problems. My NMums boyfriend has been fed lies about what my Nmum has done for me, she manipulated to put herself in the best light and to be the victim. But even if he can't see that she is lying, what sort of person calls someone elses child and says those things? The smear campaign against me continues. Is it too much to ask to just be left alone?

My Nmum's boyfriend said to me that I would 'regret' cutting my Nmum out of my life. He doesn't understand that I regret keeping her in my life for as long as I did. He doesn't know that she smears him as well, tells me he is aggressive, a liar, a man who doesn't know what real relationships are since his father cheated on his mother. It is not my job to tell him. It is not my job to yet again be put in the middle of my Num's triangulation, and abusive relationships. No amount of money, fancy schools, makes up for the turmoil and emotional damage caused by her complete lack of empathy.

I watched my father die over a three day period. My Nmum did not once ask me how I was, or if I needed support of any kind. Yet she showed up to his funeral (the funeral of a man who hated her, who's life she had destroyed), with her hair blow dryed, makeup done to flirt with his friends. Months after his death she bought an apartment two blocks from where I lived with my family (a different city to where she lived) with money I suspect came from a life insurance policy that she held in my father's name. She abandoned my father, left his health issues to me, while hoarding his money for Cartier watches and Ralph Lauren couches. Who is immoral here?

I won't regret it when she dies, I will rejoice.

[bloomie]

Holly1234 - I am glad you here again and sharing some of what you have faced and what you recently experienced with this toxic, horrible phone call.

You write so well I can imagine some of the scenes and the long road you have been on to recover, build a valuable life, family, career for yourself. How wise to know it is vital to protect all that you have worked so hard to get to. I applaud you for making sure your own child is never exposed to such a vast expanse of pain and dysfunction that has been your parent's and their multiple partner's choices.

You ask this: "Does the anger ever stop?"

I can only speak for myself - another adult child coming out of a chaotic and abusive upbringing - the anger did dissipate with time and distance and through leaning into it and allowing it to empower me and not embitter me.

Another key factor for me in processing all of the all is spending time here with people who read between the lines of my own story and 'get it' like nothing and nowhere else I have ever experienced.

You have been carrying a lot for a long time. I hope that spending time here will help lighten that heavy load a bit and bring some support to you as you process all of this.

I am sure it goes without saying you blocked this man's number so that he can not reach you and your family ever again. I am just so sorry you had this awful experience in the middle of your normal work day. It seems like you handled this sly attack you were not anticipating with a great deal of strength and dignity. Very impressive. I think I would've been a puddle of mush.

How are you doing today?

[Cat of the Canals]

I am sure it goes without saying you blocked this man's number so that he can not reach you and your family ever again.

And if he ever calls again with a different number, as soon as you realize it's him, HANG UP IMMEDIATELY. You do not have to subject yourself to this kind of stalking and abuse. That goes for her bf and any other flying monkey.

I'm sorry you were blindsided like that, it must have been awful.

[daughter]

I appreciate your upset. Clearly this man lacks boundaries and civility; it would be prudent to avoid further calls from him too. I've relied on caller-ID since NC, and generally let all new or unknown callers to "go to voicemail" for later screening, and don't answer any "caller blocked" calls.  Smart phone can be useful device here.

[Holly1234]

Thank you so much for your support.

It feels like every time I have found solid footing something happens (like the phone call or an unwanted Christmas gift for our child) that reels me back in to a shame/guilt spiral.

I was chatting to my partner about all of this and I find that I am still shocked at how many dysfunctional characters there are in my family. They seem to all think its my problem that 'cut people out so easily.' There seems to be no reflection on their part about their input. My Nmum is on her third marriage, both her kids don't talk to her current partner (or each other!), and yet there seems to be no understanding that she's the common denominator. But I guess that's how narcissists work?

My partner still worries that I will have guilt (and worries about her own guilt) if my Nmum dies without my reconciling. My view is that I will cross that bridge when I get to it, I can't justify putting my partner and child in my Nmum and nutcase boyfriend's life just to alleviate my guilt.

Does anyone else still find it completely shocking that their NMum and enablers see themselves as having caused 'no harm'? They obviously have bucket loads of unprocessed trauma and grandkids are supposed to be the solution to all their problems.

[Cat of the Canals]

Does anyone else still find it completely shocking that their NMum and enablers see themselves as having caused 'no harm'? They obviously have bucket loads of unprocessed trauma and grandkids are supposed to be the solution to all their problems.

Yes and no...

Yes, because I can't imagine behaving the way they do and having zero self-reflection skills. I often parse the briefest social interactions and wonder if I might have inadvertently done something to offend anyone.

No, because over time I've realized that functioning with a PD requires massive, MASSIVE amounts of denial. I think even the tiniest crumb of guilt or shame unleashes a tsunami of it.

[kelleron]

Does anyone else still find it completely shocking that their NMum and enablers see themselves as having caused 'no harm'? They obviously have bucket loads of unprocessed trauma and grandkids are supposed to be the solution to all their problems.

I used to find it shocking because I saw them through my own lens. Only after I read up on what it feels like to have BPD, like a constant black hole of emptiness in side you, never having a sense of self, did it start to make sense to me. Not that it justifies their abuse or anything.

I probably had undiagnosed social anxiety as a teen due to the loss of my father and emotional incapability of my uBPDMom. So that black hole of emptiness is something is could empathise with. I’m not saying it justifies the damage they’ve done - not in the slightest. I couldn’t talk to people for 2 years, and then struggled for another 6. But still if I had hurt anyone, even accidentally, I would be crying and doing everything I could to make up for it.

But still, I can’t help but identify with feeling alone and empty. While I hate their actions, at least I understand what might have prompted PwPDs and their insane levels of denial. So I am not really surprised anymore that they can’t believe they did anything wrong.

It’s just like what Cat of the Canals said:

No, because over time I've realized that functioning with a PD requires massive, MASSIVE amounts of denial. I think even the tiniest crumb of guilt or shame unleashes a tsunami of it.

Well put.

I am more or less resigned to it and have decided to avoid and not engage. At least I try my best to, but dipping in and out of rage and being ok is my normal for now, I guess.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello Hello1234,

I can relate - flying monkeys are people who are willing to explode and (basically) verbally abuse people on behalf of the N they bonded to. There are dozens of them in my family tree. There's at least one in most FOOs I would suspect. Its the bulldog who is willing to attack someone they don't even know, or someone they don't care if they hurt.

It is awful, and I am sorry you went through this. Your post shows you have a real clear view of the facts in this situation. I would block this person's number, and never speak with them again after such a toxic display of anger from him. He had no right to insert himself into your life.

As for your partner worrying that you might feel guilty if you don't reconcile, I strongly disagree. Those of us with abusive parents, do not have the luxury of 'reconciling' , because that takes 2 ADULTS, who are healthy enough to engage in repair work. That is not the situation you are in, sadly. If this is a point of pain for you in your relationship with him, I would encourage him to read more on how to support the adult daughters of narcissistic mothers. There is quite a bit of good stuff online these days about this (because sadly, this is not a rare thing in our society).

For me, the grief work started long ago. Whereas people with loving relationships, will grieve after a physical death occurs, for daughters who went NC with their mothers, the grieving can start while the mother is still alive. Shock is part of the grieving process, so I think that given what you've shared here, you are in a similar boat as many of us who have gone NC with NPD mothers. You've already suffered the losses that most people think only happen upon death of a parent.

I don't know if the feeling of shock every 100% goes away, but definitely I would say that I was able to slowly accept that my N mother, was not someone I could have a relationship with. Ever. It took me several years to unthaw after NC, and more work in therapy to gradually understand that the desire for reconciliation, comes from a valid place, and the ability to reconcile with that particular person (who happen to be your parent) is nil.  In order to reconcile, both people need to be able to stay with reality.

You listed 16 facts that you know are reality. And I have done the same. And I know that my parents, will never ever, accept these as facts. So then reconciliation can't happen.

Having the shock wear off, it took time, and I did the same things you are doing. I would do those steps again for myself (listing facts, grounding myself in reality, validating my own emotions) , if someone from my FOO found a way to spew out their anger on me yet again (they are all blocked). You are doing the important work of keeping yourself in a better state than they are in, and than they want you to be in. They disrespected your boundaries. Will they admit it? Very unlikely.

This site definitely helped me with that. Glad you are back here, even though it is due to a messed-up drama you had flung at you.

It is not your job to clean up any of their messes. I say this as the discarded / NC daughter in a FOO who wanted nothing more than for me to waste my entire life cleaning up their messes (while denying it).

Trees

[nanotech]

Take care, and please know that you have our support. Just detach from it all physically and emotionally - not easy I know. You've done so well. Keep going.
You've been though so much suffering.
No phone-calls means no fm phone-calls too.
Yes, we can have sympathy in our hearts,  Just that. Anything more just becomes overfunctioning, and before we know it  we can spin back down into the void.
Take care. Love yourself and don't listen to any more phonecalls or feel the need to explain yourself.

[Holly1234]

Thank you for your replies, I need the support at the moment.

Trees - you are so right. My mother and my stepdads views of my childhood, and my 20s are complete polar opposite to my own. And if I'm honest, I have no desire to find any middle ground. Does that make me a bad person? I probably need to stop asking myself that question.

The truth is, I was given a lot of 'things.' Big house, financial support to get a good education, financial support in doing extracurricular things. But do 'things' make a childhood. And as my partner tells me, I was a mess when we met. I didn't sleep more than 4 hours a night, which I realised many years later was the sleep pattern set by waiting for my NMum to get home drunk from clubbing and brace myself for hours of screaming and fighting. I keep reliving these things as well, which does not help me.

My mother was so careful to keep up the public image (and she still is). She would be at every Saturday sporting game of mine, dressed to the nines. I was the dutiful child, upholding the image of the 'perfect' family that was really rotting on the inside. She made sure to emphasise all the things she did for me, I was groomed to see the school drop offs and perfect packed school lunches as important. When really I was barely holding it together, spending all of my time worrying about the wellbeing of my Nmum and my elderly father.

More therapy, less guilt is my mantra for 2022. The guilt seems hard to shake though.

[BerneseMtnMom]

I usually do not read this page, since my father died in 2020.  I just read about the PD siblings.  But I am so glad I read this.  I want to send support to you. 

I went NC with my sister about 4 months before my dad died, and then learned about narcissism and starting reading here and watching videos about narcissism.  I am 58, and am just now processing everything that happened in my childhood.  My mom was the empath and my dad was the narcissist, but I had to be the responsible one, and get the best grades and be the head cheerleader (literally, for the sports teams), and graduate with honors.  But I am so glad I did, because good grades enabled me to get a career that allowed me to stand on my own. 

I am always on the lookout for the flying monkeys sent by my sister.  My sister and I are still co-trustees of the Trust my dad established 10 years ago, well before he died.  I am so sorry the flying monkey sent to you was so verbally abusive. 

I do not think I can do anything to stop the flying monkeys in the future.  I just need to brace for them when I see anyone approaching me that might have any connection to my sister. Tough way to live.