Shuffling the deck

[OneOneSeven]

After much sessions of fighting and anger, I am now at a place of relative peace with my Ndad. I've been wanting to take a break for a while from studying and university to work on myself and mental health. After much manipulation and dancing around (literally took me 2 weeks to work on this) I managed to convince him to give me freedom of choice. I am not proud of how I reached this phase. I am disgusted by myself, and kind of scared that I might become him. I had no option. Clear communication and honesty is almost punished. You got learn to read your opponent and shift the narrative to your advantage in this household.
I don't like what I've done. Should I back down and stick to my values? Or is it justified in my case?
In the case that taking a break is the right thing, I gotta be honest, I am afraid that it won't do me good like he's been trying to convince me.
How do I deal with this uncertainty and self doubt? Also, how can I make the most out of a break from school? Should I structure my days and try to achieve something or should I just kick back and relax? What would be the best approach?
I am sorry for all these questions, but you guys have propelled me in the right direction so far. I want make sure to council you as much as is permissible.

Much love, 117

[Spring Butterfly]

As children of unhealthy PD we do what we need to do sometimes. It's a game of chess, moves and countermoves. You can do anything. You can make anything of yourself. The entire world and planet is shifting as to old structures. People are no longer tied to old ways. Use this time to individuate and define yourself. What do you desire to become. Brainstorm. Mindmap. Dream. Look for common themes in your brain dumping. You decide your future and then go live it. You got this!

[Poppy]

I wish I had found a place of support like this at your age. I'm so happy for you that you have the opportunity to grow and find the peace you deserve and live a full and happy life.

Good on you for taking some time for mental health! In my experience with burn out and general anxiety, I've found that just chilling and doing nothing creates nothing positive. Sure, some down time is necessary and nice, but too much of it will generate more of the same issues you're trying to heal from.

My advice:
- Move! Anyway you can. Excercise. Take walks or hikes. Jump rope. Whatever. Doesn't have to be exerting, even just being outside and walking for 30 mins does SO much for us mentally as well as physically.

- Take breaks from social media/netflix/podcasts/whatever else we distract ourselves with during the day. Breath, get comfortable with the silence, your own company and whatever that evokes.

- Start meditating. It's been a life saver for me. Look into Mindfullness meditations on Spotify or Youtube or any of the free apps out there (Insight Timer is great). Look for body scan meditations first. When you start to be aware of your body, you'll move into being more aware of your feelings and thoughts, which gives insight into YOU as a person and your own values and opinions - something we've so often been taught to disregard in favour of our parents'. You'll learn to trust yourself.

- Start looking into Setting boundaries. Look on Pinterest for the countless lists and ways to approach it.

- Look for positive mental health input online, like @nedratawwab on Insta

- Definitely limit the time you spend with the toxic people in your life. Look into Medium Chill, also limiting information you share to avoid their negative input and the self doubt and self sabotage this evokes. 

And regarding your question if you were right to deal with your father the way you did, because it isn't aligned with your values, let me ask you this:
Do you value your own mental wellbeing? Choosing what's right and safe for YOU in that specific situation? It seems like you do! Well done to you.
I think you can celebrate that instead of ask yourself if it was ok

I think you're on the right track and you should be proud of the insight you have. It's always great to look at our own behaviour, just be mindful not to be too harsh on yourself. We do what we need to survive toxic relationships and interactions.

Good luck on your journey!