I lost my temper, now what?

[Sneezy]

Well, so much for grey rock and medium chill and all that.  My uHMIL and enabling-FIL are still living with us.  MIL's dementia is getting worse and she is delusional.  We have a room all set up for her in memory care, but every time we turn around there is more paperwork to fill out and one more approval to obtain.  It is maddening.  In the meantime, MIL is stubborn and every bit the histrionic queen bee she has always been, but also completely delusional and a flight risk.  Almost every day, she packs a bag and leaves.

A few nights ago, she went running out the front door and up our walk, yelling for BIL-1 (DH's brother).  We got her inside and called BIL-1, who assured mom that he was at his house several states away and was fine.  MIL then dropped the phone and continued her agitated behavior.  For some reason, BIL-1 then started "dropping in" to every Echo in our house and sent a text asking if MIL was going to be allowed to have her phone and other devices in memory care or it was going to be "a prison." I lost it.  Between every Echo in my house blaring "you have a drop in from BIL-1," "you have a drop in from BIL-1," and on and on, and the implication that we are locking his mother up in a prison, I just went nuts.  I sent a family text back that pretty much used every swear word I know, and a couple more that I just invented.  It was way over the type and a huge over-reaction on my part.  Even DH (who is the one with the temper in our family) just shook his head and asked what happened to the grey rock thing I'm always telling him about.

Family relations were already pretty darned strained.  I am tired of all my towels and sheets getting stained with urine and finding snotty tissues all over the house and having to always have two sets of eyes on MIL at all times and wondering if she is going to get hit by a car.  I am livid that this is all falling on us.  And I am damn sick and tired of all the texts from BIL-1 and others in the family telling us that 1. we need to be kind and understanding and 2. maybe if we start giving MIL more vitamin D she will be normal again and 3. here, just watch this 45-minute youtube video on dementia and then all will be well.  We are in crisis mode.  I don't have time to watch youtube videos when I'm trying to figure out how to child-proof the front door so MIL doesn't get out.

But, when all is said and done, I did overreact and I am embarrassed and I really wish I had not told BIL-1 to go f himself.  That is not like me.  And I don't know what to do about it.  And it is breaking my heart to see MIL like this.  She was never very nice to me, but no one should have their brain fizzle out on them like this.  It's not fair.  Do I try to fix this or just let it go and accept that our family will never be the same again?  I don't think I can ever trust DH's brothers and I will probably always be angry at FIL for letting it get this bad before he would allow us to step in and help.  Maybe there is just too much water under the bridge at this point to even try.

[SunnyMeadow]

omg Sneezy, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I just made a post about my mother but it pales in comparison to what you're living with. ♥

So you lost your temper....too bad and so what!!! You are under a lot of stress. If people can't understand - %$&# 'em. Sounds like your BIL needed a wake up call to the stress you're under. Maybe he'll rush over in his car and take them away. That would be a good thing.

All of this is completely understandable and from my POV, a normal reaction. I just gave a 10 minute dissertation to my dh why my mother is a mean, lying and conniving &%#@. I used almost every swear word I know and some pretty spicy combinations too. His eyes were like  because I was damn near full blown yelling. Good thing the windows weren't open.

You are allowed to feel these feelings. Maybe someday you and BIL can have a conversation about it but maybe not and that's ok too. I hope you can give yourself extra care and grace about it but know that at least your fellow Out of the FOG'ers understand.

[FromTheSwamp]

Now what?  You acknowledge to yourself that you were more at the end of your rope than you realized.  If there is any way you can take a moment for yourself, do so.  Acknowledge that this current state of affairs can NOT be long term. 

If you want to, you can also apologize for losing your temper.  "I'm sorry I lost my temper."  And then move on.  If anyone pushes you for a further apology, visualize setting their hair on fire, and leave the conversation.

What you are in is a crisis situation, as you realize, and outside interference without actual HELP is just piling on.  So forgive yourself.

[Fiasco]

Do I try to fix this or just let it go and accept that our family will never be the same again?  I don't think I can ever trust DH's brothers and I will probably always be angry at FIL for letting it get this bad before he would allow us to step in and help.  Maybe there is just too much water under the bridge at this point to even try.

Someone should be reaching out to try and fix this and IT AIN'T  YOU. BIL harrassed and frightened an old woman with a broken brain? That's insane behavior and he should apologize. And he should lose his Echo privileges! I didn't know Echo even did that and as a side note I'm thanking god we don't have one. You losing your shit, no matter how big time and boldly, isn't "bad" it's what's called "natural consequences". Like when you go to the zoo and repeatedly punch the lion in the butt and it eats you. I mean, lions shouldn't eat you but you kind of had it coming.

On a practical note see if the memory care offers respite stays, as many of them do for times when a home caretaker needs to go on vacation or whatever. If that particular MC doesn't offer respite maybe you can find one that does. Those people need out of your house. On another practical note if she becomes in any way physically dangerous do not hesitate to call 911 and have her carted off for assessment. From there maybe you can have her moved directly to memory care.

In any case, sometimes the best thing to do with your grey rock is to pick it up and throw it at someone. Good for you.

[Hilltop]

You show yourself some self compassion.  You are in an incredibly difficult situation and family telling you to give her vitamin D is not helping.  Talking about memory care like it's prison, not helping. Unless they are offering concrete help such as coming in to offer care whilst you get out to unwind, then I agree that they are only adding to your stress.

If you want to, if you feel it's something you need to do then offer a simple apology of "I am sorry I lost my temper".  Then let it go.  You are caring for a woman who you say was never nice to you.  Even in really kind loving families this would be incredibly stressful and you have the extra layer of past hurts.  I have not had to be a caregiver however my friend did with her dad whilst he had dementia.  It was not easy.

This situation will not be sustainable long term, it doesn't matter what the rest of the family are saying.  She is a flight risk.  If she gets out and hurts herself, I can only imagine the sh*tshow that will cause.  The rest of the family are not dealing with this, they are happy to sit back and let you take it all on.  That isn't fair on you.  I would work on moving her to a memory care unit.  If BIL is really upset with that and feels it is prison simply say to him that he is welcome to care for her 24/7.  If he isn't then she will go into a care home.  I mean if BIL isn't willing to do it, why do you have to.

I would work in getting her moved ASAP.  You are under an incredible amount of stress, so give yourself a break.  Give yourself some self compassion.  You are human and had a moment.  You are a good person because you care that you had a moment and you are caring for your MIL.  If people want to dwell on one text rather than see the big picture, says a lot about their lack of empathy.

[Happypants]

Sneezy, that sounds way beyond chaotic and certainly not a sustainable way to go on. If you losing it didn't flag up to any of them how much pressure you're under, maybe you could take things into your own hands and ask DH to take the reigns for an hour or two to let you get away for a break x

[wisingup]

Sneezy, I'm so sorry & totally understand you finally blowing your top. 

It would just be so nice for the rest of the family if we would take on all the work, solve all the problems, & do it all perfectly so that the others don't need to be bothered.    

Keep venting here - we got your back.

[Cat of the Canals]

Agree with everything that's being said. These moments of losing control are a wake-up call that we have taken on too much. And the worst part is that it sounds like you don't have much choice, since no one else is stepping up. I think it's impressive you've gone this long without losing your temper, honestly. I don't think I could have kept my cool for that long.

I'd offer a brief apology to BIL, for your own peace of mind. Whether he accepts it or not is up to him, and honestly, who cares? It sounds to me like he owes you one right back. Or at the very least, a massive THANK YOU for all that you're currently doing for HIS MOTHER. I'd put an eyeroll emoji here, but none are dramatic enough.

You are in an impossible situation. And also an unfair one. Please be kind with yourself.

[Sneezy]

Thank you, everyone, for your support and wisdom.  It means more than you will ever know.

Things have suddenly fallen into place and MIL is safely in memory care.  I thought I would feel better right away, but it's taking time for the stress to go away.  It will go, though.

I apologized for overreacting.  And I figured out how to change the settings on every Echo in the house so that we no longer accept drop-ins.  Seriously, who ever came up with that feature needs a good talking-to.

Things are still difficult, but no longer overwhelming.  FIL needs to figure out where he is going to live.  Dramatic Auntie has announced an imminent visit in a couple weeks' time, as she simply must swoop in and check on everything (and stir up as much drama as possible and second guess every decision that has been made).  Both BILs keep talking about moving MIL out of memory care "when she is better," which I know won't happen, but they will figure that out on their own. 

Thank you, all, I really needed your support to stay sane these past few days 

[Psuedonym]

Hi Sneezy!

I'm so, sooo glad to hear that your MIL is in memory care. Phew!

When I started having panic attacks whilst dealing with the Negatron situation, my friend who's a neuro psychologist told me that everybody has a limit as to how much stress they can take (it is not infinite and you can't will it to be). When you go over that limit your limbic system takes over and that's when you either have a melt down or breakdown or rage out. It was inevitable that this was going to happen due to the horrendous stress you were under, and frankly I think your BIL deserved to be told to go $#%@ himself. Anybody who observes other family members taking on all the stress and trauma of trying to take care of an elderly PD person with dementia and does nothing but armchair quarterback and try to lay a guilt trip on you should consider themselves lucky if all they get is a 'go $#% yourself'. That was self-inflicted, in my opinion. 

It does take time to come out of that fight or flight state you find yourself in now. You need to take care of yourself, relax, and let somebody else deal with your FIL and Dramatic Auntie. Perhaps BIL1 and 2 can collaborate on that one.

[Fiasco]

Happy dance! Taking walks and getting a massage are two things that help me get the stress chemicals moved along and out of my system. That and time. Glad things are going better 😊

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm so glad to hear that at least one part of this is sorted out.

As for Dramatic Auntie... I'd suddenly find myself "too busy" to entertain for the time being. FFS, you deserve a break!

[SunnyMeadow]

What a relief, glad she's in memory care Sneezy. Sounds like the best place right now. And a big YES to letting someone else deal with Auntie. You don't need any part of that!

[Hilltop]

Yay, what a relief to hear she is finally settled.  I hope it doesn't take too long until you start to feel back to normal.

I did wonder if you could echo back to him a "F Off" message.  Imagine him walking into every room in his house and he has multiple drop in's of 'F Off' from you.  I suppose that would have got your message across as well but I'm sure an apology works as well 

[Sneezy]

I did wonder if you could echo back to him a "F Off" message.  Imagine him walking into every room in his house and he has multiple drop in's of 'F Off' from you.  I suppose that would have got your message across as well but I'm sure an apology works as well 

Too funny!  But I'm not sure I could do it 

As far as Dramatic Auntie, she is definitely staying with other relatives.

BIL-1 has called FIL a couple times now and accused him of putting MIL in a prison.  It hurts FIL's feelings so much, it's like a physical pain for him.  And so I no longer feel guilty about what I said.  BIL-1 is an awful person - who hurts their own father like that when he is clearly looking out for his wife's safety?  What a jerk!

[daughter]

Me, I'd send faux apology for outburst, but call it what it is: emotional breaking point due to this full-time caregiver role.

Was long overdue time for that BIL family member to step-in and take mom into his home, or agree to memory-unit.  You reached your limit, deserve SAINT medal.  Please acknowledge this, honor it, and let irksome sibling try to manage crisis 24/7.

Best wishes.

[Andeza]

BIL-1 needs to go get a new hobby. He's feeding off the drama and upset and perpetuating it. Sneezy, you've got the patience of JOB to have had them at your house that long. I would have told DH after day 1 of washing soiled sheets that he would now be doing ALL their laundry until they were in a facility. You are much nicer than I am! And I probably would have lost my temper with meddling BILs by the end of the first week. "Oh you have all these great ideas of how to take care of them!? Great! I'll expect you here first thing Saturday morning to pick them up and take them back to yours. I'll make sure they're packed! So glad you've got this all taken care of! By the way, on your way over, you may want to buy more laundry detergent!"

[Leonor]

I'd retitle this post:

"I lost my temper. So what?"

We put up with the most obnoxious, neglectful, selfish, abusive behavior and then beat ourselves up when we express how we feel about it.

It makes me sad, really. How, when we were very, very little, we must have been shushed and scolded and slapped into silence. There's no other way to explain the guilt and shame we feel over feeling hurt and angry.

I happen to LOVE mad toddlers. They are just so dang ... 😡! Their little hands ball up into a fist and they yell their cheeks red and they do not give a good gosh darn who is giving them the evil eye in the grocery store checkout lane. Such feeling! Such freedom!

And when they can express their mad, the storm passes as quickly as it came. Once my 4 yo declared that he wanted me to "get out of this house," and when I asked him where I should go, he scrunched up his eyes and retorted, "To a fancy restaurant!"

There's an old James Thurber cartoon in which two ladies see another lady tending her garden. "She has the true Emily Dickinson spirit," one says to the other, "Except she gets fed up sometimes."

You, Sneezy, have the most generous, giving spirit, and you get fed up sometimes.

Welcome to humanity! We're so happy to have you with us!