Don't want to give him money--but I'm scared!

[nillah]

Hey all!

I broke up with my uNPD partner of many years in August last year. He was just starting a new job abroad so the plan up to that point had been that he'd move first and then I'd stay for a few more months while I look for a job too and eventually move around January. Right after the breakup he left for his job (as had been planned all along), and I stayed in the same apartment (as had been planned all along).

In October, he came for a visit and we saw each other. I fell for his Hoovering. Then he told me that it's unfair that he's paying rent in both his new place and our shared apartment. My naive mind said yes, sure! I told him we need to think of a fairer distribution (like shifting the ratio so I pay more of the share of rent). I asked him if he'd like to discuss that next week, he agreed and then ignored me. But I had seen the signs, so I immediated searched for a place to move in and quickly found something for a January move-in.

Then in December he came back around and again I fell for the Hoovering (I'll make a separate post about that). This time around though, his discard right after the Hoovering really gutted me & knocked me out of my illusions and I saw the truth fully for the first time. Well so in August, I knew mentally that this is a bad relationship and I must end it, but in Jan this is when my heart finally caught up too! I'd just moved into my new place too, so I was freer. I told him that I have moved on and will no longer hold any hopes for a reunion. I told him I'd start seeing other people.

Now, he's claiming that I owe him money for the 6 months I lived in our shared apartment wants me to pay him. I honestly don't believe I owe him this money because I was living with the assumption of our previous agreement. In those 6 months, I was living amongst his stuff (he'd only taken a suitcase), whenever he came to visit he'd have the option of staying there (he did it twice). He was still registered on the address and receiving tons of mail which I always scanned & sent him. He's the main tenant on the contract, and I was a sublease--yet, when it was time to handover the apartment I took care of all the cleaning (including hiring a professional cleaner), packing of random stuff, meeting the landlady twice, meeting the new tenant. That whole thing took me at least 3 full days.

To be honest, the 5 years we spent together cost me a TON emotionally and eventually physically, and this is part of why I don't want to give him any money. I know that he will never be able to understand how much pain he's caused. It hurts to realize he probably just doesn't care. For years he took all my affection for granted which has left me with a shattered self-esteem. I feel like I don't want to give him any more of anything.
He also makes so much more money, my income is a fraction of his and he knows this. I don't understand why he insists on milking me when actually he's already got the upper hand. The amounts would be so high that I'd have to pay him over months, but for him he could just dash it out at once from his paycheck.

Honestly, if in August I knew that he'd want me to pay more of the rent, I would've moved right away. I only stayed because I naively thought we're still keeping the old agreement (I was also still hoping he'd change and we'd get back together and finally be the happy couple...).

I don't know what's reasonable to do here. I know I could just block him and walk away but it feels like burning a bridge and I'm scared of what the consequences might be. I know my anxiety amplifies my fears and this feeds into people pleasing behavior--all of which was at the core of why he abused me for years. I am scared of his anger explosions and mean words. I worry that maybe I'm not being reasonable--do I owe him money??

I'd appreciate any advice!

[Starboard Song]

Now, he's claiming that I owe him money for the 6 months I lived in our shared apartment wants me to pay him. I honestly don't believe I owe him this money because I was living with the assumption of our previous agreement.

I don't know what's reasonable to do here. I know I could just block him and walk away but it feels like burning a bridge and I'm scared of what the consequences might be. I worry that maybe I'm not being reasonable--do I owe him money??

There are so many relationship decisions that we deal with here, and we can never really say with straight confidence what is correct, because we don't know all the details. So this is refreshingly different.

You are absolutely correct: you do not owe him money; he has no reason to request retroactive rent payments; you were correctly living under a prior arrangement, and would have behaved differently if more rent had been due.

That's a financial question, and it is rock solid. But that leaves you with an interpersonal question. How do you handle this? One option you listed was to block him and walk away, and that feels wrong to you. I tend to agree, in the absence of abuse or endangerment. It always seems to help us de-escalate when we communicate clearly. So I would encourage you to get really screwed down tight on the fact that you do not owe him money. Especially since he is under no hardship, this is important. When you are ready, then, I'd encourage you to practice a polite, matter-of fact tone. You simply inform him, with no anger, no frustration, and not much explanation, that you won't be paying any retroactive rent.

He'll provide a reason why you should. "I understand. I regret how this has all worked out, but I won't be paying any additional rent." He'll make another argument, perhaps a mean one. "I hear you, and can tell you are upset. As I say, I won't be paying any additional rent, and won't discuss it any further." He'll go ballistic perhaps, yelling and calling names. "I don't listen to people who speak this way to me. I will speak to you further, but never about rent, when you've calmed down." And hang up.

I did that little role play not to be prescriptive. You are going to have to do your own thing. But I fear it can be hard for us to imagine the degree of calm, matter-of-factness we are talking about. There is an acronym for this format: BIFF. Brief, informative, friendly, firm. And remember, you do not seek to persuade him, only to inform him.

You mention being afraid of his anger explosions. If you are concerned for your physical safety, please prioritize that, consult with a friend, and take strong precautions to protect yourself (Emergency Resources).

[square]

You didn't "naively assume" you continued under the arrangement. That was simply the arrangement! If he wanted to renegotiate it, he could have done so at any time, including over email.

The burden is on him.

He could change the arrangement but he can't do it RETROACTIVELY. It's just not how it's done. No court of law would honor that.

My advice is to be calm and sure in your heart. You kept the agreement. There's really nothing to be done. You have nothing to explain. It's too bad if he has regrets, it's all done and over with now. Oh well.

[pianissimo]

I think that this could be a way to keep abusing you and to hoover you back into the relationship. I doubt that he expects you to pay all that money. You know his financial situation, surely, he knows yours. I'm sorry you are going through this.