Where to start?

[blew]

Over a long weekend away (do they wreck every vacation?) my OCPD spouse started down the tired, "Cheer up!  What's your problem? Why so glum" road that I've heard for a long time.  This comes after days of her constant negativity and complaining and me trying to hide my annoyance.  She also catastrophizes nearly every event in her life, from hair appointments to taxes to friends.  There are no small problems, only HUGE ONES. I guess she is just too on-guard for my slight eye rolls and sighs -- and so she goes for the throat!  Years ago she suggested that my behavior was due to depression, so I went down the antidepressant path.  Hated all that crap.  Now, she back at it.

What I've realized in the intervening years is that this is probably just projection.  I'm not the one with the problem! (took a long time to figure that out...)

One thing I never imagined is that I'd be dealing with someone that has this problem for the rest of my life.  I'm just exhausted and walking on egg shells all the time.  Just moments ago, when I went down to the basement, I heard her say something.  The furnace was running and she was a floor away, but she blew up on me when I couldn't hear!  "I don't know what's wrong, but you'd better have your hearing checked!"  NO.  The problem was that her voice didn't carry down the stairs and around the corner and over the sound of the freakin' furnace!  But I was the one who was wrong.  She is NEVER wrong. EVER.

The sad part is that I do not see any solution, long term, other than to just trudge forward, day by day, hoping each day *might* be OK.  Hoping that one false word or move won't set her off.  It's no way to live...

[thedoghousedweller]

Blew, sorry to hear this.  Like bw7 I can relate.  The finger always pointed back to me.  She was never wrong and never will be wrong.  My children certainly believe otherwise. 

By not reacting impulsively to her prompts, you are training her (correctly) that her efforts are in vain.  Eventually, she will learn.  The one thing that I learned that I'm not seeing here is the boundaries.  It can be very difficult at first, but it becomes natural with practice.  The offending behavior ("you demean me") needs to be defined, and the consequence has to be clear ("I will leave").  I do not plan to leave the marriage or seek an alternative companion, but I am clear on consequences, "I will go to X, Y,or Z without you."  And I do frequently. 

[blew]

I appreciate the replies more than you know.  I am guessing that I'm not alone is literally having NO ONE I can talk to about this.

One other trait that is so distressing is the conversational narcissism.  Once she starts talking, she never stops.  And, she turns every conversation immediately around to focus on herself and her problems and her stories.  This morning she was bemoaning an incident that took place 35+ years ago at work.  She can not get over even a tiny insult or slight that may have occurred. Ever.  I remember trying to tell her once that she shouldn't let things other people have done in the past rule her future, but that went nowhere.  Along with this, she just makes up crap that she "thinks" the other people are doing or saying.  I can guarantee you that they are not!  They probably don't even remember her or the event.  Over time I believe she/we have lost many close friends because they simply can't deal with this.  She whines about why these people drifted away, but I am not going to be the one to burst her balloon and tell her the truth.

As part of the conversational narcissism is the non-stop repeating of stories and fragments of stories that I've now heard dozens and dozens of times.  It's as if SHE HAS to express the entire narrative over and over, just to make it real again.  And the narrative is almost always exactly the same.  Normal people might say, "Remember that thing that happened at _______ job?"  She would say, "Remember when we were working at XYZ corporation and that guy from PR, Ken I think his name was, he lived in Milwaukee, anyway, Ken came into that meeting we were having about the new rollout of the XYZ dookickey...." 

Many times I have a hard time concentrating and my focus will drift.  This is not good, because she has radar for any lack of attention.  "Am I boring you?" or "It's rude to not pay attention when I'm talking!" is the response.  They I end up apologizing in an effort to forestall an explosion or hours of the silent treatment.

So, no, divorce is not the plate.  Been together too long.  The time to leave is well past.  I often do remember an old girlfriend telling me how horribly judgmental my SO was -- back when we were just starting out.  I should have listened.  She was right.  What I took for a decisive personality and a straight-shooter was a NARC and OCPD.

Anyway, thanks again!

[notrightinthehead]

What would happen if you told the truth? "Yes, you are boring me. I've heard the story many times." or "Yes. I remember the story differently." And then walked away?
I found when I changed my behaviour my SO did not change much but I felt much better about myself.

[losingmyself]

H has no hesitation about letting me know that I've bored him enough with a story I might have told him already.  But I also hear the same story, edited a little each year, over and over. I just listen, because it's easier than the blowback.
He can't figure out why all of his friends no longer hang out with him.  I know. I know exactly why.

[bat123]

Hi, blew.  I can relate to where you're at.  And if you have made the decision for now that you're not leaving, that's understandable.  As user pointed out, we all have our reasons for staying or leaving.  But please don't think you're doomed to a life of walking on eggshells and trying to avoid conflict.  Ask yourself— why ARE you walking on eggshells?  What conflict are you trying so hard to avoid?  No matter what you say or do, no matter how hard you try, she will get angry at you.  She will criticize and blame you.  She will blow up.  And she will tell long, boring stories.  It will be unpleasant, but she owns it, not you.  What would happen if you stopped trying to analyze it and control it, and instead just let it play out?  If you can cultivate a sense of detachment, you might find that it's easier to live with her.  Why do you actually need to convince her to see things your way?  Why do have to tiptoe around in an effort to appease her?  What would happen if you just let her do what she does, and you just kind of shrugged your shoulders?  I've been experimenting with this approach more and more over the past few years, and it's very liberating.  It's kind of like realizing that "the emperor has no clothes."  Their power over you just sort of evaporates once you stop being so worried about their reactions.  (Unless, of course, there is a threat to your physical safety.  Or if there are children around.  Those factors can understandably change your calculations.)

[blew]

I'd love to detach, but I don't feel able to do that.  The instant I express disinterest, she leaps on me.  Listen, I think I share much of the blame for letting this get to this point.  I should have spotted it years ago and resisted -- but I didn't.  I came out of a family situation where any amount of arguing or disagreement was verboten, so I really never learned the skills to take a "normal" disagreement and talk it through.

One thing I find is that she doesn't like ANYONE.  Every current and former friend has some fatal flaw that she finds objectionable.  This goes back years.   I just spent another 5 hour drive in which she talked constantly and mostly used that time to talk about how horrible various people are.  It is just insane and exhausting to sit there and listen to this constant screed of negativity.

I fear this is how it will be, forever....