PDs Everywhere

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Hi all,

I've been here before, but not on the parents section. I recently left my PD spouse and I thought going back home and living with my parents would be lovely.

Except it hasn't been. And I've now remembered why I left 14 years ago. My father, I do believe is a PD. Which makes sense, since I also ended up married to a PD.
Anyway, onto my current dilemma.

My father hates my child who is 4. Right away, my child didn't like him. My father is older (80s), so he tried to buy my child's love with money. That didn't work, so he tried to give him a toy he could only play with when he liked grandpa. That also didn't work, so now my child is basically the spawn of Satan and is at moments running in the house or screaming when he plays. The horrors!

Today it came to a breaking point. We had a day off school and my son made a blanket fort in the kitchen for a few hrs. My father is so angry about this. Instead of nicely requesting I put it away, he immediately starts in with my son has no rules and he is running wild. My son has a room to play in and etc etc. when I said that I want my son to feel comfortable, he lives here too, my father said this is his house. I said you're 80, he's 4, it's one day. As you may imagine, that didn't go over well.

Later, he tried to confront me again. I told him no but he blasted right through that boundary and started going on and on about how my son needs rules. By this point I am getting angry and I told my father I don't care whose house this is. You are not my sons father. You don't get to define what my child can and cannot do. Furthermore, you are talking about my son and calling him bad, in front of him, simply for playing and being himself. You're his grandfather. You are supposed to love him unconditionally. He should not have to bend at your whim.

He left pissed off and of course had to add the final word, that nobody can talk to you! You're just so hateful! 

What would you all do here? It was quite a blow up. I need to vent this out. I really thought I got away from this with my husband. I think I did alright here with being very clear to my father that I know this is his house, but that does not mean he gets to push my kid into a corner and have him "seen not heard" because my kid doesn't like him. This is a boundary I have firmly set. Obviously I need to move out, but I have no funds since I had to move halfway around the world to escape the first narc, so until then I once again ask for the amazing advice of this forum. I do believe I overreacted, as I started raising my voice because I have been getting so frustrated with him constantly mentioning this, as it is disrespectful and he often treats me like a child as well.

I have spent the last year using MC and GR with my husband and I am just too tired to have to do the whole thing over, especially because the problem is about my kid and I cannot just MC and GR my way out of a noisy 4 year old.

I feel like I am the problem because both my husband and father are like this and I am the common denominator, so maybe I am some of the problem. Also my father and mother keep mentioning that they "don't want to make me angry" all of the time, but I don't do anything In their house without asking them, or get upset with them even when they constantly criticize me. I find even small. criticism difficult due to what I went through with my husband. My parents give me the impression that now I have left my husband everything should be just fine. But my husband was a very abusive person and so I cannot just "get over it" and criticizing and demanding things of me instead of requesting nicely really just takes me right back to the feeling I had with my husband. I am aware this is not normal, but my parents seem to think I shouldn't do this.  I clean everything (they don't clean) and I make meals for them. When I do work, I give them my money to help to pay for what my son and I may use, and I pay for groceries or anything like that myself, or offer to, but it is usually rejected. I try to help as much as I can and I do what is asked of me. If they say something I don't like I try to just go to my room, but sometimes the criticism gets too much, or they try to tell me I should have more rules with my kid. i don't understand why they seem to think I will overreact to anything, except that they always think that if I don't agree with them I'm over reacting maybe?  I need some encouragement and advice please. Am I the problem? I just feel like I don't know anymore because it seems like either everyone around me is a PD or I'm the problem 

[notrightinthehead]

Seems like you are in a bad spot. I am so sorry. 

You write: ..."My father, I do believe is a PD. Which makes sense, since I also ended up married to a PD. "... you probably are on to something here. It was so for me.  I never had learned what a healthy relationship looked like in my childhood, what it means to be treated with respect and loved unconditionally, or loved at all, and I ended up married to a malignant narcissist. Since I came Out of the FOG, I have worked on my co-dependency and tried to remove toxic people from my life.  You can do this too.  You can be a emotionally healthy person in spite having grown up with PDs and having married one.
I urge you to go back to the toolbox and start reading there again and implementing, implementing the strategies that are useful to your situation.
Boundaries are something that you set for yourself. They have absolutely nothing to do with the other person. They are often misunderstood. You cannot control another persons behaviour towards you, no matter how many times you say, "do not do that, this is my boundary", another person will do what they do. So what you do when you set a boundary, you make an agreement with yourself. In my case for example, I made an agreement that I will not allow myself to be yelled at. If someone yells at me, I immediately get up and walk away. I might say, "we are both too upset to talk about this reasonably now,  we can talk about this when we are both calm." and I will remove myself from the scene. That is my boundary. I learned a lot about boundaries from the book by Townsend and Cloud.
You can also model healthy behaviour for your son. He will pick up assertive, yet respectful and kind behaviour towards yourself and others from you, if you live it for him.
You might want to find some support for yourself, mindfulness meditation, CoDA groups, therapy, counselling, whatever works for you and is available.
It could be that by going after your son, you father gets double pleasure - upsetting you and making your son feel unwelcome. The friction might give him excitement and make him feel important. By allowing yourself to get roped in, your energy gets drained. You start to doubt yourself. That is why it is healthier to take a step back, observe the situation but do not get entangled emotionally. Keep your eyes on the goal - getting on your own two feet with your son,  making a good, independent life for yourself and him. If you keep your mind on your goal the artificial drama and mind games your PD father plays become more of an irritant and you will not enmesh yourself again.
Keep us updated!

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Seems like you are in a bad spot. I am so sorry. 

You write: ..."My father, I do believe is a PD. Which makes sense, since I also ended up married to a PD. "... you probably are on to something here. It was so for me.  I never had learned what a healthy relationship looked like in my childhood, what it means to be treated with respect and loved unconditionally, or loved at all, and I ended up married to a malignant narcissist. Since I came Out of the FOG, I have worked on my co-dependency and tried to remove toxic people from my life.  You can do this too.  You can be a emotionally healthy person in spite having grown up with PDs and having married one.
I urge you to go back to the toolbox and start reading there again and implementing, implementing the strategies that are useful to your situation.
Boundaries are something that you set for yourself. They have absolutely nothing to do with the other person. They are often misunderstood. You cannot control another persons behaviour towards you, no matter how many times you say, "do not do that, this is my boundary", another person will do what they do. So what you do when you set a boundary, you make an agreement with yourself. In my case for example, I made an agreement that I will not allow myself to be yelled at. If someone yells at me, I immediately get up and walk away. I might say, "we are both too upset to talk about this reasonably now,  we can talk about this when we are both calm." and I will remove myself from the scene. That is my boundary. I learned a lot about boundaries from the book by Townsend and Cloud.
You can also model healthy behaviour for your son. He will pick up assertive, yet respectful and kind behaviour towards yourself and others from you, if you live it for him.
You might want to find some support for yourself, mindfulness meditation, CoDA groups, therapy, counselling, whatever works for you and is available.
It could be that by going after your son, you father gets double pleasure - upsetting you and making your son feel unwelcome. The friction might give him excitement and make him feel important. By allowing yourself to get roped in, your energy gets drained. You start to doubt yourself. That is why it is healthier to take a step back, observe the situation but do not get entangled emotionally. Keep your eyes on the goal - getting on your own two feet with your son,  making a good, independent life for yourself and him. If you keep your mind on your goal the artificial drama and mind games your PD father plays become more of an irritant and you will not enmesh yourself again.
Keep us updated!

Hi notright,

Thanks for your reply! I guess what I mean is I am trying to set a boundary that my dad not go after my son/I will not listen to him try to make rules for my child, he isn't his parent. My son has been through enough already and he cannot set his own boundaries, so it is up to me. I am quite sure this living arrangement isn't going to work. Regardless of what boundary I set, my father will try to bend it. What boundary would you set around this issue?

Yes I tried to leave the conversation several times. I walked away, he followed me, I told him I cannot have this conversation, I walked away again, and then maybe 2 hrs later, he came to my room. I asked him to leave and told him no I don't want to discuss this now, but he did it anyway. He always wants to "talk things out", except his talking is more dictating from his high throne. You absolutely cannot have a differing opinion from him. The problem is this particular argument has already happened, and so I can no longer use GR or MC because he is going to continue to being this up over and over, and I'm not going to be able to just walk away.

Maybe you can give me some examples of what you might do in this situation? With my husband, if I walked away he would leave me alone. I do feel like some of the issue is me - I am just no longer able to handle the bullshit at any level and I just snap completely. I see exactly what he is doing, and I was so weak with my husband, so I have a really VERY hard time restraining myself with my dad. The toolbox has a lot of great ideas, but those ideas require restraint, require that you cut off from the person emotionally, and I am so raw from coming out of this abusive marriage, I don't know how to do that yet. Any advice?

[athene1399]

Hello, JustAnotherLostGirl,

Sorry you are going through all this. Sometimes it is heavy when we first recognize who our parents are and what we went through in our childhood.

I don't know if this is helpful, but try to work on mindfulness and checking in with yourself. By this I mean recognizing how you feel when you are triggered. Where do you feel it in your body when you start to get angry or upset? What does that feel like? If you learn to recognize how you feel when you are triggered and can tune into that, you can then work on " okay. I am triggered now. Should I respond to dad or walk away?" Or whatever choice you are considering. It's easier said than done, so be patient with yourself while working on this. This has helped me to notice when I am triggered or upset so that I don't flip out when trying to express my needs.

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Hello, JustAnotherLostGirl,

Sorry you are going through all this. Sometimes it is heavy when we first recognize who our parents are and what we went through in our childhood.

I don't know if this is helpful, but try to work on mindfulness and checking in with yourself. By this I mean recognizing how you feel when you are triggered. Where do you feel it in your body when you start to get angry or upset? What does that feel like? If you learn to recognize how you feel when you are triggered and can tune into that, you can then work on " okay. I am triggered now. Should I respond to dad or walk away?" Or whatever choice you are considering. It's easier said than done, so be patient with yourself while working on this. This has helped me to notice when I am triggered or upset so that I don't flip out when trying to express my needs.

Hi Athene,

Thanks for replying. I have been practicing mindfulness meditation, and I can recognize this for sure. As I said when my father confronts me like this, I can feel it taking me right back. I tried to leave. I have even told my father in a previous discussion the day before (about him criticizing/policing me - he did I put my glasses on the table the wrong way) that criticizing me takes me right back to being with my husband and when he does that I need to walk away from the conversation. Of course, he isn't able to accept that.

I do recognize that I have some symptoms of ptsd/c-ptsd. Once my anger starts, I really feel unable to put it in check. Before, I repressed all of my emotions and didn't even feel anger at all. I am trying so desperately to not go there with my dad and to not get angry, but when he is constantly invading my space after I have asked him not to, I cannot help but ti become enraged. I think this is all compounded by the fact that this is what he did when I was young and likely plays a part in why I repressed my emotions so much up until this point, so it is a touchy place. I just feel I can't allow a repeat with my child.

I now don't know what to do. Obviously the situation isn't going to resolve on its own. My father is angry with me. I am not angry with him, but I know he can't or won't understand why this all happened as it did. If I don't talk to him, I feel I'm giving him a silent treatment, although that's not my intention. If I do talk to him, I have to try to remain calm and go into a rage, but if I walk away, he will follow me. I just don't even know what to do right now.

I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm being unreasonable, that he is right and that I'm just the worst person. I tend to get myself into these head spaces where every real of perceived fault about anyone becomes my fault and my problem and I'm the one who needs to accept all of the blame. I then justify the other person and vilify myself. It's like I have lost my self esteem to such an extent that even to stick up for myself or my child somehow becomes my fault. I don't know how to deal with all these emotions swirling around

[SonofThunder]

Hello, Justanotherlostgirl1,

First of all, its great to see you back here at Out of the FOG and joining in on the conversations.  My involvement in the board conversations is therapeutic for me, as the other members here are people who understand what it's like to be in a relationship with a PD or to proactively avoid a chosen or unchosen relationship with a PD.  Comrades here understand what it's like to live with the high emotional and mental requirement in dealing with, and staying one step ahead in planning, regarding managing ourselves regarding those difficult people in our lives. 

Im sorry that you are facing a difficult living condition with your parents. Knowing some of your backstory, from having communicated with you for some time, I am very happy for you and your son that you are away from an abusive, cheating and potentially dangerous man.  That situation, in another country, seemed very restrictive and you bravely and proactively planned very well and made the risky journey to free yourself in departure.  Congratulations again on your bravery and determination. 

Regarding your very different, yet still difficult situation, I would like to imagine that your current residing with your parents is just a temporary layover for you.  I understand your full time job is your four year old son and rightly so.  I will stay on topic on this thread, but I wonder what financial assistance may be available to you in the future, regarding a divorce, that may assist you in living elsewhere in your home town, country or elsewhere safe. 

The others here have already discussed proper boundaries and the only thing I will add, is that in my opinion, proper planned boundaries for ourselves are designed not to fail, as our departure is the end of the plan, so therefore we remain in full control.  Having been raised by a uPDf, I fully understand that PD's will use asset ownership to assert power and unfortunately, you are living temporarily in the asset of your father, whom you suggest may also be a PD and uses the house asset as a control tool.

Ultimately, from a legal standpoint, i believe your parents have a right to dictate what occurs (or doesn't occur) in their own home, and so therefore the last result of a preplanned boundary chain of events for myself, must end in an asset in which I legally own, or I am legally protected by authorities (police) in which I have the right to utilize.   

Relating that comment to your thread, my opinion is that the boundary plan does not end with a closed door in your father's asset, but rather in your physical departure (temporary or permanent) from your father's asset, utilizing your own asset (car, rented hotel room, other that the PD does not have legal right).  Police protection is also a legal right for me if needed in the area in which I reside, but for me, is a last resort after I first utilize my departure assets. 

It was a tremendous benefit for me to realize that my father has a PD and it explained, now being educated and Out of the FOG, how I ended up with a uPD spouse.  Many of us here have that in common, which lets me know I am not alone in my experiences, yet I am in full control (50% rule, boundaries) of my choices.  Hopefully, knowing your father may have a PD is a great asset to you, in understanding your past, but also assisting you in decision-making going forward.  It surely is for me.

You stated you are doing all the cooking and cleaning, yet prior to your living in the home, your parents either cooked or had food cooked for them by someone other than you.  They freely decided for themselves to live in their home asset in a manner which is less clean than you prefer for yourself.  Therefore, my understanding is that you cook and clean only as a way to care for yourself and your boy, and also express your appreciation for allowing you to temporarily reside in their home. But also, it then can be assumed that upon departure, your parents are able to maintain themselves.  Great! 

You also stated that you are unable (and rightly so) to be employed at this time, with your child's current age and his needs of a full-time mom.  Therefore, I understand your dilemma of residing in the home of your (newly-discovered) uPDf.  Again, great for me to know this type information as it helps me to understand and plan for myself and understand my past and future much better. 

I want to suggest a creative thought.  Since you have time to cook and clean for 3 adults and a child, and generally care for yourself and your boy, then imo, the main issue is the one PD person in the mix and your current inability to afford a place on your own.  When I was single and in my 20's, I desired to live in a particular vacation type of destination, but could not afford to do so.  Although I never carried through with the idea, I became well aware of other young, capable, hardworking people who creatively arranged a living situation in this vacation destination, by solving a need; a real win-win.     

There happened to be much older homeowners in the area who owned large homes and had become widowed or had become partially disabled or simply needed cooking/cleaning/other assistance in order to remain living in their large residence.  Other young responsible people like me, arranged a bartered living situation, in which they exchanged the needed assistance for a living arrangement in the home, allowing the needs of both parties to be met.  The younger person was able to reside in this very expensive vacation area and the older person was able to continue to reside in their home.  A wonderful arrangement and in some situations, a friendship developed as well, which was golden. 

Is there a possibility, that you could (secretly to avoid uPDf's manipulation) use your contacts (church, teachers, friends etc) to help locate a similar situation in your home town, or in any town you desire to reside?  That kind of arrangement could be very advantageous for you and your boy in your developing plan.  For example, finding a kind and kid-friendly widow (using your wealth of PD experiences to recognize potential personality problems/red-flags in advance before a living agreement is made) who still lives in a large home, yet may need some assistance and also enjoy the company of you and your boy, would possibly be an ideal win-win barter arrangement for all parties. 

I look forward to seeing you around the boards.  Continued thoughts and prayers for you and your boy as your plan unfolds.

SoT

[athene1399]

JALG1,

You have every right to be angry. But also to be proud of yourself. SoT makes some great points. You may not be in an ideal position at this time, but you were able to leave your ex. Do you think some of the anger you feel towards your father is also some anger from your previous relationship? Maybe it's just all coming out at once . Do you feel that it is difficult to think of how to respond when angry? Like are you just reacting to the anger?

How do you think you could work on building internal validation and validate your own feelings? It also sounds like you are questioning if you have a right to how you are feeling ( you have every right to feel how you do). What will help you to be comfortable with your own feelings? It sounds like it the past you were made to feel that you weren't allowed to have feelings, or maybe it wasn't safe to have them.

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

JALG1,

You have every right to be angry. But also to be proud of yourself. SoT makes some great points. You may not be in an ideal position at this time, but you were able to leave your ex. Do you think some of the anger you feel towards your father is also some anger from your previous relationship? Maybe it's just all coming out at once . Do you feel that it is difficult to think of how to respond when angry? Like are you just reacting to the anger?

How do you think you could work on building internal validation and validate your own feelings? It also sounds like you are questioning if you have a right to how you are feeling ( you have every right to feel how you do). What will help you to be comfortable with your own feelings? It sounds like it the past you were made to feel that you weren't allowed to have feelings, or maybe it wasn't safe to have them.

Athene,

Thanks for your reply, it's very helpful!

I well try my best to express myself clearly. Firstly, when anyone criticizes me, or "comes at me" in a way that is not gentle, I emotionally flash back to my abusive marriage. I would honestly say that in those moments, the people who are talking to me are actually not talking to the JLAG1 who is living with her family now. They are talking to the JLAG1 who is back in her husbands country and unable to escape a very abusive situation. I would say that I absolutely have a hard time controlling the anger, fear and immense shame when I am criticized or approached in a way that isn't gentle. I have developed extremely poor coping mechanisms, and I now find it best to try to walk away. I know that my family does not understand this. Following and confronting me when I have no method of escape (I do not even have a car to drive away in, and I live in a very rural area so there is nowhere to walk to), takes me back to a time when I felt as if I had no way to escape because legally, I was stuck in my husbands country and without his signature, I couldn't leave with my child. I was stuck there for 4 years before he finally signed the papers. Therefore, It isn't just difficult to respond, I don't think I am even really responding to the current situation. I look so normal to my family but underneath, there is a lot. They are trying to approach me like any normal person would to have a normal discussion and I blow it way out of proportion because I actually cannot even handle a fight without going right back to the emotional state I had in my marriage.

In fact yes, what my father is saying - that my son shouldn't yell when he plays, to him means that kids should shut off their feelings and emotions for his comfort. I did this my entire childhood for his comfort as he demanded it then, and also in my marriage so no, I do not feel safe expressing any vulnerable emotions anymore. Where as in my marriage I had to be numb to protect myself, I feel like now I can only feel anger.

I'm very aware I need a therapist. This is not a normal reaction, but I do not want to even try to discuss this with my family until I know exactly what I am dealing with myself here (as I said I suspect c-ptsd, but I'm not a psychologist.) Thank you for your kind words they mean a lot ❤️

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

As always SOT, nice to see you on the boards! I did make it, still a lot of things to be done to feel comfortable, but I will get there.

I agree with you that this situation is quite different than the one I was in before. I am not "stuck" here and there is no threat of violence here, no screaming, yelling or threatening, so already this is a much improved situation, even with my father potentially being a PD. Before moving back home, I did write on the chosen relationships board a bit about suspecting my dad of a PD, and I think it kind of makes sense. He has much longer cycles that my husband though, who seems to spiral daily, even hourly, so that makes things a bit more manageable.

I agree this is his house, but my son is my child, so it is basically the same argument, just in an opposite direction. When I was younger my father was quite rigid, so I knew coming back here I was going to have to deal with him, and it was not going to be easy as the older people get, the more set in their ways they become. Since the disagreement we have both bent a bit, but while I am concerned about all of this, and I know I will need to move out in time, I am much more concerned now about my reaction. The argument likely could have been solved had I been calmer. Even though I don't like my fathers thinking and I can see the PD traits there of ownership and thinking my business is his business, I think I also need to reflect on what this means and what professional help I should seek moving forward.

I hope that you're doing well with your uPDwife. I know it isn't always easy! Wishing you well ❤️

[SonofThunder]

justanotherlostgirl1,

Thank you for the informative reply and the details that help paint the picture of your own situation. 

Your reply to Athene's comments was helpful for me in rereading your original post from a viewpoint of your own introspection (vs a planning-type boundaries discussion), regarding the new experiences, back in your parents home.  How your childhood experiences and your years in an abusive marriage in another country, have shaped your mindset in dealing with situations and personalities.

I believe it is very healthy for me to be able to step outside of the scenes and as Athene said, practice mindfulness regarding myself. It seems, from your reply, that you have a thorough understanding of yourself and how the past shapes your current thinking. 

I wish you the best in the difficult situation, as you continue to move forward in your plans for yourself and your little man.

SoT

[mary_poppins]

Hi all,

I've been here before, but not on the parents section. I recently left my PD spouse and I thought going back home and living with my parents would be lovely.

Except it hasn't been. And I've now remembered why I left 14 years ago. My father, I do believe is a PD. Which makes sense, since I also ended up married to a PD.
Anyway, onto my current dilemma.

My father hates my child who is 4. Right away, my child didn't like him. My father is older (80s), so he tried to buy my child's love with money. That didn't work, so he tried to give him a toy he could only play with when he liked grandpa. That also didn't work, so now my child is basically the spawn of Satan and is at moments running in the house or screaming when he plays. The horrors!

Today it came to a breaking point. We had a day off school and my son made a blanket fort in the kitchen for a few hrs. My father is so angry about this. Instead of nicely requesting I put it away, he immediately starts in with my son has no rules and he is running wild. My son has a room to play in and etc etc. when I said that I want my son to feel comfortable, he lives here too, my father said this is his house. I said you're 80, he's 4, it's one day. As you may imagine, that didn't go over well.

Later, he tried to confront me again. I told him no but he blasted right through that boundary and started going on and on about how my son needs rules. By this point I am getting angry and I told my father I don't care whose house this is. You are not my sons father. You don't get to define what my child can and cannot do. Furthermore, you are talking about my son and calling him bad, in front of him, simply for playing and being himself. You're his grandfather. You are supposed to love him unconditionally. He should not have to bend at your whim.

He left pissed off and of course had to add the final word, that nobody can talk to you! You're just so hateful! 

What would you all do here? It was quite a blow up. I need to vent this out. I really thought I got away from this with my husband. I think I did alright here with being very clear to my father that I know this is his house, but that does not mean he gets to push my kid into a corner and have him "seen not heard" because my kid doesn't like him. This is a boundary I have firmly set. Obviously I need to move out, but I have no funds since I had to move halfway around the world to escape the first narc, so until then I once again ask for the amazing advice of this forum. I do believe I overreacted, as I started raising my voice because I have been getting so frustrated with him constantly mentioning this, as it is disrespectful and he often treats me like a child as well.

I have spent the last year using MC and GR with my husband and I am just too tired to have to do the whole thing over, especially because the problem is about my kid and I cannot just MC and GR my way out of a noisy 4 year old.

I feel like I am the problem because both my husband and father are like this and I am the common denominator, so maybe I am some of the problem. Also my father and mother keep mentioning that they "don't want to make me angry" all of the time, but I don't do anything In their house without asking them, or get upset with them even when they constantly criticize me. I find even small. criticism difficult due to what I went through with my husband. My parents give me the impression that now I have left my husband everything should be just fine. But my husband was a very abusive person and so I cannot just "get over it" and criticizing and demanding things of me instead of requesting nicely really just takes me right back to the feeling I had with my husband. I am aware this is not normal, but my parents seem to think I shouldn't do this.  I clean everything (they don't clean) and I make meals for them. When I do work, I give them my money to help to pay for what my son and I may use, and I pay for groceries or anything like that myself, or offer to, but it is usually rejected. I try to help as much as I can and I do what is asked of me. If they say something I don't like I try to just go to my room, but sometimes the criticism gets too much, or they try to tell me I should have more rules with my kid. i don't understand why they seem to think I will overreact to anything, except that they always think that if I don't agree with them I'm over reacting maybe?  I need some encouragement and advice please. Am I the problem? I just feel like I don't know anymore because it seems like either everyone around me is a PD or I'm the problem 

So sorry to hear you're in this situation. You're definitely a normal, non-PD person. You have the ability to question yourself and seek help (you've come here to talk about the problem) so no, there's nothing wrong with you. You've just been around PD people for too long (I assume your ex husband has gaslit you badly) and your brain needs some time now to recover.

Living with your PD father must be difficult but I assume you're in a much better place than when you were living with your ex (?).
I also live with my PD parents and, just like you had a slip out recently and yelled at my mother for her incredibly childish behavior. I couldn't take it anymore. She yelled back and then I left the house but didn't talk about it later. Later that day I realised something that calmed me down. I am actually living in a PD parent's home so I would need to accept the way she is living her own life with all her dramas and childish behaviors that drive me absolutely nuts. I chose to be here so it's better to accept the situation is as it is and my mother is as it is. She'll never change and wanting her to be different from what she is now is a waste of time and energy.

Also, any bad situation we're in is a temporary one (maybe longer in some cases but it certainly doesn't last forever) and better days are coming. Not sure if it helps but remind yourself that this is temporary and you'll find a better life for yourself soon.

And, try to think back at how much worse you were two, three years ago and how better you are atm. I am sure things have improved even though you may not consciously see it that way. I definitely see my situation as 'improved' if I had to compare my life now with what it was in January 2019. I'll start crying if I have to remember those times.

[mary_poppins]

'I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm being unreasonable, that he is right and that I'm just the worst person. I tend to get myself into these head spaces where every real of perceived fault about anyone becomes my fault and my problem and I'm the one who needs to accept all of the blame. I then justify the other person and vilify myself. It's like I have lost my self esteem to such an extent that even to stick up for myself or my child somehow becomes my fault. I don't know how to deal with all these emotions swirling aroun'-that is complex PTSD and trauma bond. I believe it's rooted in your childhood abuse. Can you take a step out of the "FOG" and see these feelings for what they are? They've been forced upon you as a child.