Dealing with a BPD boyfriend

[ireneorte]

Hi I am desperate in seeking help with my situation. I am in love with an individual with BPD which was diagnosed almost 10 years ago, but he is convinced that he doesn't need treatment and abuses me mentally really badly. I am now in depression as I don't know how to fix this anymore, he believes that I am delusional because everything is my fault and that I should change the way I am. Every time I try to bring up his mental illness he automatically starts shouting and humiliates me in a point where he manipulates me in such a way in which I truly believed he was in the right about everything and that I was all the bad things he was calling me.

It is such a long story... everyone has told me to stop seeing him, but I do really want to help him as he is such a good person and the man of my life behind this BPD illness. I need to speak with someone who has BPD or who had a romantic relationship with an individual with BPD.

[1footouttadefog]

I would suggest you find the 100 traits list on this website in the toolbox area, I think.  Read it over and check off the items you are experiencing. 

This will help you see that you are being abused.  Then read the toolbox for rules that help you not at into the drama. 

You cannot fix him, change him or cure him. 

You can only work in you and decide what level of abuse you are willing to endure. 

Only you can decide that and if the love is worth it.  I will say however that a great many users if this site come to realize the fell in love with a false person that was projected by the PD person.  They come to understand that person they fell in love with was an act.  Many myself included find that we sacrificed more and more if ourselves and our lives trying to reconnect with the false person we fell in love with.  We later grieve that person as well as the significant part of our lives spent trying to get them back.

[Delilah]

My partner also has bpd. I have read a lot & talked to mental health professionals about it. I understand how you feel about everyone telling you to leave. They have an objective perspective on his actions but they do not have an emotional attachment - which makes it difficult for you to just "end" it. You yourself cannot bear to leave for some reason - personally, I have found therapy to be helpful in gaining insight into my own reasons for staying & why I have also put up with the abuse. I would recommend that for you as well, even if it is just to better your own mental health in dealing with this situation in general. It has made me feel less isolated, which is especially important to help you make better decisions for yourself rationally instead of only emotionally - which keeps us in the same cycle.

Basically, you do have to change in a way to change the situation..What the situation will become though may not be what you want, but at least you will be able to create a good future for yourself through your own actions without relying on his actions.

I know exactly how you feel about loving him & wanting to stick by him while waiting for him to change. Here is what I have learned:
- He has to accept / understand that his behavior towards you is abusive & hurts you, which should bother him (if it doesn't..it is likely he will continue to be this way, so you need to ask yourself if you want to stay with that in the long term)
- He has to want to change those behaviors & be committed to doing so

Based on research, I would say the best thing your partner can do towards the path of real change is to enter a DBT program where he can get support & learn long-term coping skills to make better decisions when he is struggling emotionally / psychologically

This type of program tends to be intense (meeting a few times a week & hours at a time) but for good reason; It is support for someone to completely change their way of thinking by relearning a new way to think & behave, which is especially difficult for those with borderline personality disorder. This personality has been molded throughout their entire lives and has helped them survive, thus it is now just who they are. These programs can be intensive as it is difficult to resist instinctive behaviors & think rationally when their emotional state often colors their reality. People may leave because change is not easy

Some programs offer a whole team of mental health professionals and services, including weekly group sessions, weekly individual therapy sessions, social workers, emergency hotlines (for him to call & vent instead of emotionally abusing you). Attending these sessions is hard work and requires commitment towards self-change.

With that being said, HE needs to be the one who wants to make these changes for himself. You cannot "convince" him through tough love, threats, ultimatums, guilt, etc. I know this from personal experience. It took time for me to get him to see that he has BPD (which when I first brought it up, he would get offended & quickly lash out at me). Over time, as I shared more information about it & implored him to do therapy (in general, not DBT) - he did become more open to learning about it. He also understood that I was not trying to shame him, but to understand him better, while wanting him to self reflect more objectively / rationally instead of spiraling & splitting emotionally at any perceived offense.

He has to want to change enough for himself that he will stay committed to completing a program. But, if your partner cannot see where he is wrong and needs to change, that is an uphill battle in itself that may never be won..

You should reevaluate whether or not you want your current reality with him to go on for the rest of your life..that is something you can control. Again, therapy would be a good place for you to work through this situation. It will help you clarify your boundaries & learn how to uphold them, which is best for both of you if you want to stay with him. 

You do not have to make any sudden decisions - whatever happens will naturally unfold, but you do need to be in a better head space to have a life outside of him for better mental health. This is especially necessary if you do decide to stay. Personally, to cope better, I have been building my support system (friends, family, therapist, communities such as this forum) & focusing more on self care and personal aspirations (education, career, etc.)

Healthy relationships consist of two independent happy people working on their own goals - if there is any hope for you two, then you need to shift the focus on taking care of yourself & making yourself happy instead of focusing completely on him. I know, that is easier said than done, but you will feel more mentally balanced. Trust me. You can still think about him, but do things for yourself in the meantime. Avoid isolating if you can & continue to reach out for support. Posting on a forum is a step in the right direction

I myself have tried to convince my partner to enter into a DBT program, which he said he had - but as a trait of BPD is instability (inability to maintain responsibilities & be reliable with their time), he has fallen short in attending. Lying can also sometimes be a trait (to manipulate intentionally or unintentionally) - so I cannot know for sure if he has ever even entered or attended any sessions. As frustrating as it is, I have accepted I cannot control his actions, only my own - so it has been difficult (emotionally & psychologically) but I have shifted more focus on self reflecting, self care and personal goals to be happy. Keeping a good support system helps a lot too

I will likely share my story in another post at some point..it is also a long story & it seems difficult to capture it all

Hope this was helpful. Stay strong!

[GentleSoul]

Welcome.  I relate to what you share.

I used to be attracted to people with personality disorders and/or alcoholism as that is the environment I grew  up in so it was familiar to me.

I have been working on myself and how I see the world.  An absolute life changer.  I see these types of people in a completely different way now.  I am no longer attracted to wanting to "save" them.  I keep the focus on myself and running my own life in a healthy way.  I am attracted to healthy people now.

Is likely you are in a Trauma Bond with him too.  Meaning your body is addicted to the chemical highs and lows of the relationship.  This makes leaving very difficult.  It is like withdrawing from a drug.  Very painful.   

What really helped me was educating myself.  Brought me out of the F.O.G.

You can only change you, not anyone else.  Take care.

[bee well]

Hi Ireneorte,

I will tell you a little of my story. Perhaps some of it will resonate with you. In any case, I think it can be helpful to have exposure to as many perspectives as possibile.

I spent many years in a trauma bonded relationship with a disordered person, who treated me in ways you have described in your post. I  wanted to leave for years but could never bring myself  to do it (in the meantime, the abuse escalated). As has been similarly mentioned, it was all I had ever known from the cradle on, and so I naturally gravitated toward that and other similar situations.

My reason for not leaving? During the honeymoon phase of "the cycles" I focussed on those few bright moments and was convinced my partner would change, and he needed me there to help him. I felt guilty for doubting him. I glossed over the rest. He never changed and continued to get progressively worse, going from verbal and emotional to physical abuse, and that was also blamed on me. At times I actually believed everything was my fault. Needless to say the effect on me was very harmful.

Through all of this, I was worried about what would happen to my partner. I did not want to hurt him. Looking back it saddens me to see that I was not the least bit concerned about loving myself. It wasn't until much later that I realized how little regard I was showing myself.

That's only one part of the dysfunction that  began in my FOO, some of whom had me convinced, among other lies, that "all relationships are like that, you just have to work them through, or you'll just go bouncing from one man to another " (Translation-all relationships are unhealthy and unstable. don't dare try to break the cycle, or you will be shamed--it was only after I was hit  that they had a little concern. Not much though, they said it  "was terrible" but never asked if I was ok or offered to help!)

Thankfully, I have now learned that love is not cyclical and that screaming and abuse in any form is not love. Not even when they tell you they are emotionally disregulated because they are so tormented by their love for you.

After I finally left it took a long while to build my self esteem. I continued to engage abusers in a variety of contexts, most of them in my FOO,  until I finally just said STOP, I'd rather be solitary than be mistreated and unhealthy. And actually, that was how I started to heal. I am now my own best friend,  I now have a partner who treats me with respect (we began our relationship as friends with mutual interests, no metaphorical " fireworks" involved).

It wasn't my healthy enough marriage that brought the most progress in my ongoing healing journey, that was one part of it  It was only after I stopped trying to change situations beyond my control, and  started working through my FOO history that I was able to better understand why I remained in abusive relationships for so long. (Now in NC, and VVLC with FOO  but that's another looong story.) Some of what surfaces in the healing process is hard to process but I find, and also see here on the forum, that the more we learn the better we treat ourselves.

Unfortunately disordered people are every where, so there's no escaping that but when we know what we are dealing with we can minimize exposure and protect ourselves.

Obviously I am offering my point of view and speaking from my experience, but there are often many commonalities in stories like ours, even where the details may differ.

You are the only one who can decide what is best for you, in your specific situation (whether it's practical to stay or go and so on) but I hope you might come to action, whatever that action may be, based upon your right to live free of abuse.

If you happen to be staying in the relationship because you are worried about your partner, or what you imagine he would do if you left, I would encourage you to take some time to think about your interior condition, How are you doing, inside of you? What kind of life do you want? Could you stay in your current situation, as it is, forever, and have the life that you want and deserve? Years pass quickly, and while we can hopefully learn from experience, we don't get the years  back once they have passed. Gentle Soul touched on this and I think it's something that can't be emphasized enough.

A well-worked  DBT program, from what I have seen, is definitely a vehicle towards concrete, constructive change. I hope your partner finds it in their heart and mind to adhere to it.

I imagine your partner's condition causes them a lot of discomfort. But what about you?  I think  you deserve care and attention, and focus on you, as well.

I hope you will also take advantage of all the resources available to you. Often most of the therapeutic focus is on the disordered person, when loved ones need just as much and in some cases even more support.

Best of all to you. You deserve kindness. Remember to love yourself, and take care of you, first....

"You are the only one you will never lose." -author unknown