Finally had it

[foobarred]

Welp, can't get moral support anywhere else, so looking for it here.  Sorry this post is long.

Been dealing with PDmom (whiny clingy waify "I'm dyyyiiinnng" type) nearly 17 yrs, ever since Ndad died.  I'm disabled, was financially dependent, and Mom and I were hella enmeshed.  I was basically responsible for her life, while being too drained to have any life of my own.

Been in therapy for the last 10yrs.  Been awakening to the whole PD thing the last 5.  About a year and a half ago she got so toxic I started thinking about going NC.  But it was *agonizing*.  The idea of breaking my family, "abandoning" my elderly mother, was really hard to deal with.  Not to mention the physical and financial implications.  I didn't sleep much all of 2021, and I don't think I posted here all year, either - too triggering.  But I did manage financial independence, albeit tenuous, in early 2022.

So this March she suddenly decides she wants to go to a NH.  Suddenly as in, "Hi, Mom, what's new?"  "Oh, I went to XYZ nursing home and signed the papers."

I didn't believe it at first, that she would voluntarily relinquish control like that.  I was so happy, I thought it was an honorable out - I could take care of her and her affairs from a safe distance, and not have to openly break the relationship and alienate all my friends and family.

So I dropped everything and threw myself into the preparations, thinking freedom was just six short weeks away.  But after two weeks she started getting squirrely - "I'm going down!" she wailed.  "I'm too sick to go to Independent living!"  I talked her down, and reminded her that she's independent with dressing, bathing, etc., and can still get around with a walker, and would have people to help with cooking/housecleaning, etc.  And if she needed further help down the road, they could always upgrade her to assisted living with no problem (they offer several levels of care at this NH).

I thought the issue was done, but apparently not, b/c two weeks before the movers were scheduled to come she said, "Now, don't be mad."  Which is always a signal that she's about to say something outrageous.  "I saw my doctor today and he agreed with me that I'm going down and so we have to put me in AL instead."

And all my hope went boom.  Because she doesn't *need* AL.  Because she'll *hate* it there.  She'll be downsizing from a huge 2br2ba apt to the equivalent of a tiny studio with minifridge and microwave.  She won't have her piano.  She won't have most of her carefully hoarded stuff.  She'll have people around her all the time, and she *hates* people.

So she'll be miserable, and in six weeks she'll be screaming that it's a "government-sponsored sh*thole" full of "poor people" (her opinion of the high-end rehab hospital she was in last year).  And she'll want to move.  And it will never end.

Props to you guys - you nailed it.  You told me over a year ago, when I asked about NH, that it wasn't a solution.  Just another stick for them to beat you with.

So I wrote the letter last night, and had it delivered today.  I said I could no longer handle the physical and psychological stress of caring for her.  That I would help her move wherever she wanted for the next 30d, but that after that I was gone.

Just got off the phone with her.  Much shrieking and crying on her end. I was "cruel".  She "didn't know what had gotten into me."  And "I was running away, running away from my own good."  And more, I'm too tired to list it all.

Sorry for the long post.  Even my psych isn't answering my emails right now, and I'm feeling very alone.

[SunnyMeadow]

she said, "Now, don't be mad."  Which is always a signal that she's about to say something outrageous.  "I saw my doctor today and he agreed with me that I'm going down and so we have to put me in AL instead."

And all my hope went boom.  Because she doesn't *need* AL.  Because she'll *hate* it there.  She'll be downsizing from a huge 2br2ba apt to the equivalent of a tiny studio with minifridge and microwave.  She won't have her piano.  She won't have most of her carefully hoarded stuff.  She'll have people around her all the time, and she *hates* people. 

The "now,don't be mad" thing made my stomach drop. I've heard that too, usually after I had done a bunch of work and research on something my uNPD mother asked me to do. Then 'poof' ... she changed her mind.

My parents recently moved into an assisted living place and I don't think my step dad likes it. I say, what's not to like? They sit in a recliner, watching TV all day just like when they had their own house. Now they have their own small apartment with their own furniture, 3 meals a day and the staff will bring the food to their room if they don't feel like walking 100 feet to the dining room, help bathing, getting dressed if needed. My mother likes it, someone helps her with everything. She's treated like the queen and she's all for it! They clean, change the sheets, take out the garbage EVERY night and much more.

Maybe your mother will surprise you and actually like it there. You can only hope! I can understand your thoughts on this. I thought my mother wouldn't like it in the new place but she does. She's much more cared for than when she was living in her house. I feel better than my parents are living there. Once your mother moves in, it will be difficult for her to move anywhere else. I'd get her in a place and then let her get to it, on her own. If she hates it or thinks it's a sh*thole, too bad for her. As of right now your mother and her doctor think it's the right move so I'd go with it.

Good for you writing her that letter. You can only do so much and now she knows you aren't going to be on the hook for all this work. I'd back off from her crying phone calls though. That's got to be incredibly difficult to listen to. For your own health, distance and space from her would be good.

[treesgrowslowly]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

You are allowed to take a break from her phone calls.

She needs to talk to her doctor and find her own support if she wants someone to talk to about how she feels. You got yourself a therapist - she can go get herself a therapist too, if she feels messed up inside.

Glad you are posting here. Hope we can offer some support during this time.

Trees

[doglady]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so alone, foobarred. The situations sounds very tough, what with all the 'I'm dyyyyying' and 'I'm going down' etc. , it's completely understandable that you've finally had enough after decades of it. I get why you wrote the letter. And she doesn't have to be happy about it.

Congrats to you for becoming financially independent. That's a huge step. It helps sooooo much not to be financially entangled with FOO members. Best of luck to you on that front and I hope your financial situation continues to improve.

As for your Mum changing her mind and wanting to go to AL, well, she might hate it, but...it's her decision. Also, won't there come a time when she may need AL (after all she is 'going down') and at least then she won't have to shift to a new place - because she will already be there! Why not take her at her word and support her decision to go there. It's then her problem if she doesn't like it once she's there. She's competent, so she can decide and, also, didn't her doctor agree with her that's she's 'going down' and therefore she should be in AL? So there's that.

I'm sorry to hear she has shrieked and cried and thrown all the typical guilt cliches at you after you sent her the letter. You don't have to answer her calls. Hang in there. This is not easy. I hope you have some support for yourself and your psychologist gets back to you. Be good to yourself.