The Saga has Come to a Head.

[lexophile528]

I haven't posted for awhile, but some recent activity within my dysfunctional family has got me a bit spun out.

Some background:

I went no contact (NC) with my parents almost 6 years ago. It was difficult, and they fought back, but I was able to ignore them and eventually establish a quiet life. In that time, I've done some pretty significant work on myself. I've calmed considerably, built my self-confidence, and finally feel comfortable in my own skin. The one regret I had was that I tried to keep my brother out of it by not involving him in the drama, but my parents got to him and poisoned the well with him. I sent him a birthday card and got it back unopened with a pretty nasty note on the back of it telling me I'm no longer part of his family.

End of background.

About three weeks ago, I suddenly got an email from my brother. My mom was rushed into emergency surgery for what doctors thought was a blockage. Surgeons found malignancies on her liver and pancreas. Dad tried to email me to let me know, but I have his email address blocked. Her doctor tried to call me on my cell phone, but my husband answered and hung up on him several times (this particular detail is important down the line).

Long story short, Mom started waking up crying every morning because she will never have a chance to talk to me again and brother wants to know if I'm willing to reach out to her.

My first instinct was to book a flight and go see her (they live two states away). My empathy kicked in and I knew she needed some comfort. The pull immediately started, and in my head, I was already making plans for  delegating work, covering pet care, and thinking about logistics. I wrote back to my brother and said I was considering coming out, but I hadn't decided yet and not to think any less of me if I decide not to come. He responded with gratitude and was warm to the idea of me visiting.

In the stark light of the following day, I realized that a visit was out of the question. The state in which they live is currently under a heavy COVID burden, and the health care system is on the verge of collapse (not just shutdown - collapse). I have two lung conditions, and even though I am fully vaccinated and boosted, there would be no guarantee of care if something happened while I was out there. More importantly, after talking with my husband, I realized that the likely outcome would be my parents expecting me to go right back to the way things were when I went NC with them in the first place. I wasn't ready to try to close that can of worms. In the end, I decided not to go.

My brother and I agreed that I would write her a letter. I figured that was the least invasive way to accomplish what my heart wanted me to do - offer her some comfort. My brother seemed ok with that decision, but then laid it on pretty thick in begging me to invite her to write back to me. I hesitated, as my parents had ignored my repeated instructions to stop sending cards and letters to my house. I started to get annoyed with the fact that my brother was begging for my help after being so rotten to me. What really set me off is that, in his email, he said that it would cost me nothing to allow her that one thing.

In all this time, he never expressed any interest in my side of the story. Whatever they told him, he believed in full. Little verbal cues like, "I have no room in my heart for any more ill will." and, "I think if you came out here, they would be so glad to see you that they wouldn't even think about asking for an explanation." indicated that there was indeed some narrative about me that had been boiling for years in their attempt to  convince themselves that they had done nothing wrong.

I told my brother that my parents had partaken in some really nasty and aggressive behavior, and that I wasn't prepared to open myself and my family up to that again. I also told him that what he wrote to me on the back of his birthday card was the most painful thing I had ever read. I said I would think about inviting my mom to write back, but I had serious concerns that it would open the door to them picking up right where they left off. I said that what we had already discussed is what I was prepared to offer and left it at that.

His response was a short sentence conveying his hopes that I find peace in my life. I have not heard from him since.

I wrote to my mom that night and sent the letter two weeks ago. I decided to go ahead and invite her to write back to me. I was gentle, but told her that 1) I didn't want any phone calls. 2) She can write to me, but me only. My husband and daughter are to be left alone. 3) If I detected any hint of negativity towards me or my husband, I will cut contact again.

Yesterday, I got a letter from her doctor. He began by saying he had tried to call me multiple times, but my husband kept hanging up on him. He gave a short explanation of what my mom was going through and then tried to convince me to reach out to her. He ended his letter with, "It is the decent thing to do."  My dad's name was typed at the bottom of the letter, which made me think my dad was copied on it.

I. Was. FURIOUS.

First, the condescending "persuasion" set me off. I am 50 years old. I don't know how ethical it is for a doctor to get involved in family matters this way, but that crossed a line.

Second, my husband doesn't answer my phone. Even if he did, he would never have hung up on the doctor. Turns out, the doctor tried to call our old land line, which we no longer have. The number has been assigned to a new wireless customer. Everybody just immediately jumped to the conclusion that my husband is some kind of jackass who just dismissed the whole thing.

The doctor had included his cell number in the letter, so my husband texted him and asked him which number he tried to call. Doctor wouldn't answer the question. He said he found my number online. A quick online search led us to a posting with my name and our old land line number. Husband politely but firmly told the doctor that he didn't appreciate the accusation of him hanging up on the calls, as it puts him in a bad light with the rest of the family. He told the doctor he wanted a written apology for that, and he wanted it copied to my mom, dad, and brother. Husband is understandably very upset about the whole thing.

We have sent certified letters to my parents to tell them not to contact us. Within those letters, we included language about contact by proxy. I don't know who this guy thinks he is, but he's going to earn himself a complaint with the medical licensing agency in his state. This whole thing has blown up completely.

In the end, I came to a few conclusions:

1) I did not make this problem. Mom was diagnosed with a minor liver issue years ago and she refused to stop drinking. She's been a heavy drinker as long as I was in touch with her, and I am convinced that it had something to do with her current condition. I was her dumping ground and peacekeeper for my entire life before going NC. Knowing that she has said horrible things about me and my husband to anyone who would listen does not make me feel like jumping back into her life.

2) In any of the recent communications from my brother and my mom's doctor, nobody once expressed any kind of concern for me. My brother just wanted me to get involved because he knew it's what my mom wanted. The doctor told my husband he was just trying to let me know what was going on, but in his letter, he tried to guilt me into responding. As always with my parents, it's all about what they want and screw everyone else.

3) My letter to my mom and the doctor's letter to me crossed in the mail. He wrote his before my mom received mine. Any conversation with my mom got ruined before it even started. I said in my letter that negativity towards me or my husband would prompt me to cut contact again. Well, according to what her doctor wrote, that negativity has been flying around for years. So that's it. My brother spent whatever good will I had left for him after he destroyed my feelings. This whole mess of a situation has reminded me how chaotic life is with them around and how much better things are without them. It's time to burn the bridge down for good.

I feel a little guilt because my mom is in such a bad place right now. I'm not going overboard am I?

[Hilltop]

lexophile528, congrats on the work you have done and the self esteem you have built.  6 years is a long time to have been away from the dysfunction so I am wondering if some self compassion would come in handy at the moment.  Time could have dulled the memories and then coming back into the thick of it, it's like bam, here's all the drama again.  You've been out of that drama for so long.

I wonder if when you went NC if your brother was already poisoned by the well before the drama even began and even if you had of talked to him it may not have helped.  I say this because he didn't try to contact you or show support or empathy.  There was already a disconnect there.  He believed what he was told, automatically he toed the line with your parents, I doubt even if you had of talked to him that it would have made a difference.

Some things that seem to stand out to me are all the conversations with your brother discussing what you were going to do.  By what your brother was saying and doing, it sounds like he was in flying monkey mode.  He seemed to be pressuring you to do things to keep your mother happy rather than showing any genuine concern for you such as putting in the letter for her to write back, one of your boundaries was for her not to write and he was pressuring you to ask her to write and break your own boundary. You wrote that your brother said "I think if you came out here, they would be so glad to see you that they wouldn't even think about asking for an explanation." .  Hmmm so they would rug sweep everything away.  It's only their emotions or thoughts that matter, they would be happy and they would not want to talk about it, no of course not, what PD wants to discuss emotions or issues, none ever.  In that one statement there was no room for you or what you needed.  You have been NC for 6 years and for some reason they think it's a favour to you to say they won't ask for an explanation, like that is done for your benefit and your comfort. Whaaat??  It feels quite blaming to me as well, them asking for an explanation, like you have walked away and they have no idea what happened or why you did that.

Even after you told him your side of what happened to you and what you found hurtful, he sounded quite dismissive.  He just wrote a short sentence of 'hope you find peace'.  There was no acknowledgement there, no support, no validation, nothing.  Then of course after he got what your mother wanted, you haven't heard from him. 

I think you need to work out what you want to do.  Guilt is something ingrained into us, to be the caregivers of the abusers.  If you personally feel you need to see your mother that's one thing but responding to guilt and being triggered is another.  I'm sorry you got pulled back in.  Hospital emergencies aren't easy.

[nanotech]

Just take care of yourself.
You've done everything right.
When a family member gets ill, and that family is dysfunctional, they look for

1. The scapegoat.
2.  To reconnect with the long discarded yet capable family member, to offload the practical care and management onto. That person is needed,  to come out of exile. At least for a while.
That 'need' they have isn't  usually about family love and forgiveness and empathy!
3. If they don't get the immediate desired response, they seek many  and prolonged confrontations with the scapegoat  AND their family, so they can pass on to them the emotional baggage they can't deal with themselves.
They also try to stir up trouble and divide the scapegoat from their family of choice, through actions and accusations. 
They will use flying monkeys ( brother) and they take 'hostages' ( doctor) to serve their cause.
I'm sending you lots of hugs. You can still love your mum and feel sorry for her, but please keep yourself safe from harm.

This is what happened to me. I got sucked in and I got burnt.
They find a way to attempt to blame us for life events they can't cope with.
Xx

[lexophile528]

Both of you are SPOT ON.

Hilltop: Your insight aligns perfectly with mine. My parents' initial reaction to me going NC was, "What have we done to make you so mad at us?" They will find any excuse to convince themselves that they did nothing wrong and that I've gone off the edge. Any emotional capital my brother had with me has been spent. The moment he got what he wanted, he yeeted out without a backward glance. I suspect his loyalty to my parents is money-motivated. They have done well for themselves and he has never been all that competent at managing his finances.

nanotech: Every single one of those roles makes an appearance in this situation. My family of origin is textbook. I was the peacekeeper before I left, and now I am the scapegoat. When I was talking with my brother about visiting, he said he thought it would give mom a fighting chance. Like, thanks for laying that responsibility at my feet. They think if I just snap to and give in to their wishes, everything will magically be better. I am done fixing everything for them.

My husband and I decided on a firm reapplication of NC. This time, it's going to have more venom in it. The doctor said in his letter that Mom is ok for now but is preparing for the fight of her life. This after my brother went completely melodramatic and said she could die any day. This emotional pinball is unacceptable. Moreover (and perhaps more importantly to me), my husband is very, very upset by all of this. He is a very sensitive person and doesn't understand why he's such a target. I've been dealing with this my whole life, so I'm somewhat more desensitized to it, but he's losing sleep and making himself sick over it.

We are drafting a letter together that I will write out by hand so there can be no question that it comes from me and they can't blame my husband for making me sign it. Basically, I will be telling all of them in no uncertain terms that they are never going to see me again.

[bloomie]

lexophile528 - may I jump to the point and ask what is an obvious question to me in all of this... if your mother has received dire medical prognosis (and I am sorry to hear that, truly) then why in the world would she not have written you first? I realize you asked her to stop writing, but she did it anyway for less important reasons, so why wouldn't she take this opportunity to make things right with you herself and contact you? Is she intubated and unable to verbally communicate? (no need to answer) Why would you need to even ask a mother who may have limited years ahead to respond to a letter from you?

None of this makes any sense in the practical light of day from the snapshot I see of it. This is not how sincere and trustworthy people contact and communicate with an adult sibling or adult child that has been so hurt they have completely stepped away for many years.

All I can see is the tremendous pain the reliving all of this is for you, insult and embarrassment along with false accusations for your DH and dumping emotional waste all over your peaceful life. I am so sorry!

[Cat of the Canals]

Yesterday, I got a letter from her doctor. He began by saying he had tried to call me multiple times, but my husband kept hanging up on him. He gave a short explanation of what my mom was going through and then tried to convince me to reach out to her. He ended his letter with, "It is the decent thing to do."  My dad's name was typed at the bottom of the letter, which made me think my dad was copied on it.

What the hell kind of doctor is this? I've worked in healthcare, and this whole "letter from the doctor" thing strikes me as very odd. I can imagine him trying to call once, twice, MAYBE three times if he hadn't been able to get in touch at all. But NOT after being hung up on. They're busy, for one. But they would also take a hint. It's not their job to try to mend family fences, and they usually know that. And to then write a letter with this overt guilt trip????? Unless he's a family friend, I'm wondering if the letter is bogus. Maybe I'm paranoid, but this just sounds incredibly strange to me, bordering on inappropriate.

Beyond that, I've had some experience with my brother essentially taking PDmom's said, and skewing everything in her favor. How I should "be the bigger person" or that when I don't rush in to start the whole caretaking nonsense again, I'm "being just like her." It is incredibly hurtful and I don't blame you at all for choosing to return to hard NC.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you'll be very gentle with yourself in the meantime.

[lexophile528]

Thank you! It struck me as very surprising. He was my doctor before I moved out of my parents' house 20 years ago, and I don't remember him being like this at all. That said, my dad had a very respected and high profile position in my home community for a very long time, and it's possible this doctor is trying to ingratiate himself. My parents have been patients of his for as long as I can remember.

We are taking steps to protect ourselves. Any further noise from him will result in him being reported to the medical licensing board in his state for a lapse in ethical conduct. I couldn't believe he essentially tried to parent me.

[Leonor]

Hmm, what's that whirring sound I hear?



Oh, it's the medical hoover!

This isn't an episode in a saga. It's not an escalation of tension. It's not an evolution of any kind.

It's a hoover. It's a noisy hoover, but that's all it is.

You and dh are still together. You seem to be really doing this limited contact thing. It's been quiet for a while. No drama. The lack of drama, for disordered people, is unsettling.

Medical hoovers are so effective because there's this sense of urgency that plays upon our worst fears about dying and illness and loneliness. And the guilt, my goodness, especially if you're not feeling very secure in your self-love and no-contact. "But she might be dying ... How could I live with myself?" Get a few flying monkeys in there and ... Bingo! Drama restored, power reasserted, goal achieved.

Of course, aside from tragic accidents, most medical emergencies are not completely unforseen. Like you say, your mom is an alcoholic. She's going to have liver and kidney issues. It will be sad when her health declines, but it won't be as if she were struck by lightning.

That very condition will also set up your family to be alcoholic. Is mom in AA? No, right? What about everyone else? Al-Anon? I doubt it, because otherwise there would not have been this flurry of nonsense around mom's medical issue. You all would have been going to meetings and working your steps and getting support around all this codependent fog.

Lexi, here's the thing. And I say this with the deep empathy of a 50 yr old daughter of an alcoholic that died from cirrhosis wondering to the last when he was going to get "his (liver) transplant":

When you respond to the hoover, you are engaging in the drama. You, not your brother or your parents or your doctor or your husband, are getting you tangled up with them like this. And you are doing so by triangulating with your husband and your brother and now, Dr. Dolittle.

It's understandable. It's heartbreaking. To want that connection with Mom at any cost, paying any price. But she is not going to get well, and she is not going to change, and she will never be able to give you what you need. If she couldn't do it when you were an innocent, adorable five year old, how can she do so now that you're 50?

Your dad doesn't get it. He's the spouse of an alcoholic first and a dad second. Your brother is a man child, who is going to exhaust himself trying to turn back time, save his family, and win his mother's love. Dr. Dolittle, as you wisely suspect, has an agenda. You're not going to win with these folks.

The only way to save yourself is to stay safe. Stay away. No negotiating with brother about your relationship with mom. He's not your lawyer, your therapist, or your PR guy. It's not fair to ask him to represent you in the Court of Mom. If you have something to say to mom, think it over real good (better yet, don't). And if you decide that it is something you must do (it isn't), then you say it to her.

As for Dr. Dolittle, what?!? Your h is calling him? You're thinking about filing reports on him? Damaging his career? Why? Because he wrote some silly note? Okay, he's a jerk. Lots of doctors are, just ask any nurse. But you want to inflict professional pain on him, and that's not right. He's not your doctor. He hasn't committed malpractice, or caused any harm to you or your h. If you file some kind of report, even a bad Google review, you may be making yourself vulnerable to him and, besides, given the size of your town everyone will know that avatar is you. Walk away from this guy.

You don't need brother or h to fight your battles. You don't need to battle at all. You need comfort, and tenderness, and safety, and nurturing. Get help books on adult children of alcoholics ("Perfect Daughters" was a favorite of mine), a hot cuppa, and soft blanket. Turn down the volume on the crazy, and recenter yourself in your safe, stable day to day with h. You deserve it, dear!

[daughter]

My best wishes to you at this very very difficult time.

Yes, we estranged SG daughters still have both empathy, and natural intent to "do right thing".  But those good intentions put us at greater emotional risk at times when our estranged yet still dysfunctional "ex" FOO families have Crisis Event.  They expect everything to be swept aside, we the "forgivers and forgetters" to faithful respond to crisis' dog whistle and yet again "toe the line" in old obedient, docile, and self-effacing manner.

Yes, they're attempting to manipulate and gaslight you, have already enmeshed doctor in their drama.  This coerced reconciliation effort, this demand for poignant letter, dictated by your brother is overreach. BThere's no effort here from for genuine reconciliation, just coercion, bullying, and slander. 

Maybe letter is intended to create tableau of "remorse-filled prodigical daughter returns home" for "show", to bolster their own story regarding your absence. 

You're not alone here in weird experiences, noting doctor's role here.  I was disinherited post-NC, already secretly partially disinherited pre-NC. My parents' attorney mailed bundle of paperwork for SG "dutiful daughter" me to execute, no advance notice, to finish-off disinheritance process. Attorney called me, to hurry-up execution, told me what "wonderful people" they were, even while it was obvious how spiteful and venomous they were towards me for my simple act of self-preservation in my mid-50s, after decades of my devoted servitude and their obvious abuse.  NPDs will use other people to FOG and shame their estranged but otherwise "good people" children.

Me, I'd screen my calls and cut my ties altogether in comparable situation.  I've accepted loss of my npd-enmeshed parents and GC nsis, that being that they never really provided me sense of "family" emotional security and emotional warmth. No need for me to go back to "empty well" for sustenance that never was there.

Best wishes.

[JustKathy]

Oh lexophile, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I went through something similar when my own Nmother had terminal cancer. It's awful.

First of all, I agree with Hilltop that when it comes to your brother, the well was probably poisoned many years ago. My GC sister has recently turned on me, something I first thought was the result of a smear campaign during my mother's illness, but the more I think about it the more I realize that she was being turned against me since we were toddlers. N parents chip away at our siblings over many decades, so the final act of getting them to completely turn on you is quite easy.

I did wrestle with visiting my mother, who I had already gone NC with. She was dying, and me being the empath that I am, of course I felt bad for her. At the time I was using another forum and the others there warned me against visiting, telling me their own horror stories of going to their mother's death bed only to have her twist the knife one more time. I decided not to give her that final victory and stayed away. No regrets. After hearing how badly it went for others, I know I did the right thing.

As for that doctor, just holy fricken what the actual ....???  When my Nmother was dying she convinced the hospice workers to reach out to me, something I understand is a common ploy to get you to make that final visit. The difference is that hospice workers are usually basic caregivers. A licensed physician, just NO. I would definitely file a complaint against him. That has to be some kind of violation.

I'm wishing you all the best. Dealing with the inevitable ilness and deaths of our Nparents is wrought with stress and emotions and second-guessing of our actions. Please be kind to yourself and do what is best for YOU.

[Hilltop]

JustKathy as I read what you posted about not visiting your mother I had a thought that it's normal for staff to give family the chance to visit before the death.  As for your mother, at no point leading up to her death did she try to reach out or even send a letter to make amends.  Even on her deathbed she asked the hospice workers to call you to get you to visit however if there was something she needed to say she could have written a letter or even asked one of the workers to write it out as she dictated.   They don't seem to ever make these final amends though do they.  The way it goes is to get the person to visit them and then as per usual when no one is watching they have something horrible to say, as you say twist the knife in and no doubt be able to judge what you look like and how you have aged.  I would say if your mother needed to make amends she had amble opportunity to do so.  The fact that she chose not to shows you that she remained NPD until her death. The request for a visit appears more about her needing to validate to herself that she still had some power there. I understand perhaps that feeling of needing to go to perhaps make those amends before the end but this seems to be for us more so than them.

[Sneezy]

Yesterday, I got a letter from her doctor. He began by saying he had tried to call me multiple times, but my husband kept hanging up on him. He gave a short explanation of what my mom was going through and then tried to convince me to reach out to her. He ended his letter with, "It is the decent thing to do."  My dad's name was typed at the bottom of the letter, which made me think my dad was copied on it.

This is so wrong and so unprofessional of the doctor.  Unfortunately, it happens far too often.  Doctors, ministers, social workers, counselors, and others think that the right thing to do is to reconnect families.  They never seem to consider the other side of the story.  When someone goes NC, they do so for a reason.  But no one ever looks at it from the point of view of the person who decided to go NC.

A couple years ago, DH and I saw a play about a somewhat eccentric woman who was trying to get her life together.  At the end (which is presumably a happy ending), the woman leaves her home to go searching for her adult son who no longer has any contact with her.  Everyone clapped and I was fuming.  In my view, the son must have had a reason to go NC and he should be left well enough alone. 

Reconnecting is not always the best answer.  Sometimes it is the worst answer.  And so-called professionals, who think they have the right to butt into our lives and express their opinions, need to butt out!

[JustKathy]

JustKathy as I read what you posted about not visiting your mother I had a thought that it's normal for staff to give family the chance to visit before the death.  As for your mother, at no point leading up to her death did she try to reach out or even send a letter to make amends.  Even on her deathbed she asked the hospice workers to call you to get you to visit however if there was something she needed to say she could have written a letter or even asked one of the workers to write it out as she dictated.

Exactly! I've read so many comments about similar things happening to others and there's a definite pattern here. The parent is perfectly capable of reaching out but doesn't, then appeals to a medical professional to do it for them. If anything, it feeds their narcissistic supply. The health care worker comes back and tells them they got no reply, and the sick mother bursts into tears, telling the doctor/nurse how much her child hurt her, that she's going to die without seeing her precious daughter again, blah blah blah. 

This is so wrong and so unprofessional of the doctor.  Unfortunately, it happens far too often.  Doctors, ministers, social workers, counselors, and others think that the right thing to do is to reconnect families.  They never seem to consider the other side of the story.  When someone goes NC, they do so for a reason.  But no one ever looks at it from the point of view of the person who decided to go NC.

Yes, and it's maddening. Why do these health care workers never once stop to think that the child is estranged for a reason? If the parent is terminally ill and the child isn't visiting, the reason is likely something huge. The N parent no doubt tells the caregiver that their child is mad over something petty, but a professional should know to step back and consider other possibilities. Hey, maybe this kid was abused. Maybe something very bad happened in this family. Maybe it's just not my job to force a reconciliation. Ugh!

[Andeza]

Was that letter on, you know, official letterhead? Otherwise, it's origins are suspect as far as I'm concerned.

Regardless, it's not your job to step in to "manage" your mother's emotions and disorder as they magnify. That's more likely what's going on here, everybody wants you to walk back in and take whatever she dishes out because they miss you doing just that.

[moglow]

Was that letter on, you know, official letterhead? Otherwise, it's origins are suspect as far as I'm concerned.

Regardless, it's not your job to step in to "manage" your mother's emotions and disorder as they magnify. That's more likely what's going on here, everybody wants you to walk back in and take whatever she dishes out because they miss you doing just that.

I'm glad it's not just me- I was thinking the same thing. I just can't see a doctor doing this, they must have laid it on pretty thick. She's on her deathbed and wants peace, who doesn't. But really. You con your doctor into this guilt trip instead of doing it yourself, starting with a big far apology? The "decent thing to do" is for them to leave you be.

People don't grasp - breaking contact with your family isn't an easy thing. It's not funny  not some spur of the moment whim. It's gut wrenching and you've seen the other side of hell  to get to this point.

Her mental state until yours to fix. I don't doubt she misses her image if you or has regrets, who wouldn't. This distance between you didn't just happen overnight. It's been reinforced all your life. Them doubling down through third parties doesn't change that.

Hang in there. We're with you.

[lexophile528]

Was that letter on, you know, official letterhead? Otherwise, it's origins are suspect as far as I'm concerned.

Regardless, it's not your job to step in to "manage" your mother's emotions and disorder as they magnify. That's more likely what's going on here, everybody wants you to walk back in and take whatever she dishes out because they miss you doing just that.

Hi, yes, it was on official letterhead. My DH got very upset at the accusation that he hung up on the doctor and texted him, demanding a written apology, which we received this past week on the same letterhead. It was more of a non-apology, in which the doctor back-pedaled to say he was "rebuffed by a male voice" instead of "hung up on by lexophile's husband," which is the exact wording he used in the first letter.

DH and I have decided to leave this angry nest of craziness to these people to sort out on their own. I did receive a letter from my mom that was actually very nice, but I had already burned the bridge and sent my own letter before getting it saying in no uncertain terms that I am done with all of them. My husband has been the one person in all of this who has been unconditionally supportive of me and now that's who I choose to spend my energy on.

I am now dealing with some relatively small feelings of guilt for being as venomous as I was after my mom sent me the nice letter, but I'm looking at the big picture. A part of me knows that the reason the doctor immediately jumped to the conclusion that DH was hanging up on him was that Mom and Dad had been badmouthing us.

Regardless, that's it. They will never see their granddaughter again. She will eventually die and I will not be attending her funeral. It feels really rotten, but I made the decision, and I plan on sticking to it.

[Liketheducks]

lexophile528.    You have handled a stinky situation absolutely beautifully!   
I'm not at all surprised by the doctor's response.   There is no telling WHAT your mother has fed him.     I've had a similar situation.   I went NC/VLC about 4 years ago.   3 years ago I discovered my husband was having an affair with one of my "friends".   Husband and I are in a MUCH, MUCH better place now.   But, there was NO way I could go to my FOO with this.   Frankly, they'd just use it against me.   

2 years ago, my mother had a minor heart attack. (not that any heart attack feels minor, but I'm thankful it wasn't worse).  At the time, I was dealing with so much of my own stuff with my husband and FOC, that I just didn't have the emotionally bandwidth to handle it.  She was traveling out of town visiting one of her cousins out of state.   I phoned her as soon as I heard, and all she could do was shout at me "that I needed to fix this".    Granted, I'm sure she was scared by what she was going through.    1.   I didn't want to be the person who made a heart patient upset.   And. 2. Was I supposed to fix her 60+years of chaining smoking habit???       The cousins blew up my phone on "why aren't you here".   I rallied my brothers and explained that I wasn't in a position to go.    They said they could, and I offered to pay for their travel.   In the end NO one went.  (telling, ya think)  In trying to follow her care from afar.....I phoned the hospital.   I explained to the nurses taking care of her that we were estranged and that she had been extremely upset in our last phone conversation and that I just wanted to know her status, speak with her doctor.  I didn't want to upset her.    The nurses connected me directly to her in her room.     Ended up talking her down from another ledge.   I never did go.    It was a mess.   My brothers are still absolved from not going....I'm the scapegoat.   
Further adding insult to injury, one of the cousins is a psychologist, specializing in trauma.....she brutally attacked me in social media.   Had to block her.   I have no idea what my mother has told her - but I'm certain she can't have told the whole truth.     Mom has made a full recovery and is still angry with me.....but that's nothing new.    Medical and mental health professionals can't always see this for what it is.
Stand your ground.   You're doing beautifully. 

[frogjumpsout]

I agree with what's been said and think you're handling this really well -- but I tend to disagree with the earlier advice not to complain about the doctor. I think you and your husband are absolutely justified in reporting the harm that's been done to you, and that this wouldn't be vengeance but an act of protection towards others who may come in contact with this supposed medical professional. It sounds like he was really, really out of line here.

[mary_poppins]

When you said my empathy kicked in, when you heard about your mother's liver condition, I believe it was not empathy but old codependent feelings/mindsets kicking in. You started to be empathetic with someone who has never shown empathy to you. I believe Jerry Wise talks about 'toxic' empathy on his channel. Giving empathy to people who don't deserve or don't care about us is kind of destructive. It only benefits the abuser, not us.

In conclusion, and to answer your last question, you are not going overboard with this. You are correct to keep your distance from them and resume NC. Slip-ups are so normal, they happen all the time. We may go contact, then NC, then again contact until we feel that we're truly ready to live without them for good. Don't worry, you're doing great. It just takes time to undo the codependency that these people enslaved us with.