6 Months after the death of my father, I still feel the same.

[Hazel Eyes]

At the end of this month, it will be 6 months since my Cluster B Nightmare of a father passed away. I feel the same way today as I did the day he died. I had spent many previous years crying what he would tell me were nothing but crocodile tears over our relationship. Yes, he would say this whenever I would start getting emotional over our crappy relationship.

I do not miss him at all. And have not shed one tear. He did not acknowledge my real tears and feelings while he was alive. Why should I mourn him when he's gone?

The link to my original post is below.
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=89284.msg762718#msg762718

[SunnyMeadow]

Thank you for posting this Hazel Eyes. I'm glad to read experiences from others who have experienced their PD person passing.

Why should you mourn him, indeed! You did enough while he was alive. They aren't worth the emotional energy after they pass.

[Sneezy]

There are no rules when it comes to mourning, or not mourning.  How you feel is how you feel.  And the fact that you still feel the same as you did six months ago means that you are pretty certain about your feelings.  If other people are probing your feelings or trying to make you feel like you aren't mourning correctly (whatever that means), you can just say you don't want to talk about it and move on.  Most people will take the hint.

[moglow]

I completely understand how this can be and respect you for it. It shouldnt be this way but here we are. I'm trying to remind myself that people are blessings, some when they enter our lives and others when they exit.

[Hazel Eyes]

I completely understand how this can be and respect you for it. It shouldn't be this way but here we are. I'm trying to remind myself that people are blessings, some when they enter our lives and others when they exit.

Thank you for your insightful input moglow, it means a lot. Also, I am totally on board with what you posted.

[Hazel Eyes]

There are no rules when it comes to mourning, or not mourning.  How you feel is how you feel.  And the fact that you still feel the same as you did six months ago means that you are pretty certain about your feelings.  If other people are probing your feelings or trying to make you feel like you aren't mourning correctly (whatever that means), you can just say you don't want to talk about it and move on.  Most people will take the hint.

Thank you for your comment, Sneezy.

Everyone mourns in their own way. There is no right or wrong way. I have been clear about my feelings for a long time. I guess that is why I processed his death in the way I did. No one is questioning it so far, as most of them knew how he was. Or at least suspected it.

[Coyote23]

Hazel,
I'm going on 6 years now and I rarely have emotions about my deceased NPD dad. It is OK. You did your grieving. Stuff may come up. It may not. You are fine either way. ❤️

[GentleSoul]

Thank you everyone for this thread and the thoughts and feelings expressed here.

My PD parents died about 8 years ago.  I was with each one when they died.  I felt nothing.  I have felt no grief since then either.  I can feel that it is not that I have grief and it is buried.  There is none. 

PD H died about a year ago.  I have felt some sadness at what a waste of his life it was as he was so self destructive.  He could have had so much but HE destroyed it.  No grief though. 

Lots and lots of trauma as I heal from the damage of being with him. 

Lots of deep crying and tears but that is trauma release not grief for him.   Hugely physically painful chemical withdrawals from the Trauma Bond I was in with him. 

Lots of work on correcting the critical voice that is him in my mind.  Reassessing every situation into reality and not the version his covert narc perception had brain washed me into seeing it. 

But no, no grief.  It feels to me like he wasn't a real person, he was like a shell of a person.   There doesn't feel like there is anything of him to grieve,

Which is fine.  It is how it is.

[1footouttadefog]

Is sounds like you process your grief while he was still alive.

I have had similar experiences.  Had a real close friend from HS who became more complicated to be friends with years back due to his mental illness.  He died suddenly to an accident and I felt little as I had already lost him years before. 

I think my pdhs passing will be similar.  I guess we feel guilty or atypical for not feeling grief at someone's passing but these are atypical relationships after all.

I am sorry you lost your father but I am glad you are not suffering and are free from the negativity.  I hope over time only the good parts are felt and remembered. 

[GentleSoul]

I think 1 Foot Out of the FOG has got it right.  We grieve them while they are here, usually many years ago.

We have already been through the grief of what our relationships could have been.

So when their body physically dies, we feel no grief as we have long ago processed it.

[Hazel Eyes]

Thank you everyone for this thread and the thoughts and feelings expressed here.

I felt nothing.  I have felt no grief since then either.  I can feel that it is not that I have grief and it is buried.

I can totally relate. Thank you for sharing. I am relieved that I am not alone in feeling this way. It looks like there are quite a few of us.

[Hazel Eyes]

Hazel,
I'm going on 6 years now and I rarely have emotions about my deceased NPD dad. It is OK. You did your grieving. Stuff may come up. It may not. You are fine either way. ❤️

Thank you, Coyote23. I am comforted by knowing that I am not alone when it comes to this.