My own confirmation of something I suspected

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Moglow recently had confirmation her mother was blocking her on her phone and leveraging it for supply. Well, a few days ago I got my own confirmation of something, far less serious but it still... yeah, it bugs me. Sorry, I suspect this will be far longer than the subject deserves.

I really enjoy music, and particularly enjoy sharing the experience with others. I had a good childhood and we sometimes just sat in the living room and turned down the lights and put an album through our really nice speakers.

My husband and I don't have the exact same taste in music but it's close enough to have overlaps. But over the years, I never managed to find any way to enjoy music together.

He'd send off disapproving vibes about the stuff I liked. I tried a bunch of different things but could never find anything he would enjoy. Understand that this was kind of subliminal for a long time. I definitely got the message my taste in music was not good, which may be true, but I could never really see how his was so much superior to mine.

Since his personality change years ago, he became more overt about it. I'd put on a song and he might actively make fun of it. One time he criticized a male singer with a deep voice, saying he didn't think a low voice was very skillful. I tried male singers with large ranges and excellent high ranges but I'd never please him.

Finally, there was a band we both really liked. But he seemed to stop liking them when he saw that I was into them. At this point I was still confused.

Our daughter came to be a teen and she really digs that band too. It's the kind of band that it's very fun to sing along to in the car. But he would drive in stoic, disapproving silence, and I didn't really have the strength to enjoy it regardless. But I started to suspect that he was doing it on purpose. That he was trying to do something to me, control me or punish me or something.

Well, years went on and despite me now atrongly suspecting, I was like Charlie Brown and the football. He'd say he was sick of old music, and I'd go and find fresh, current stuff. He liked pop more than rock, well, I'm a rock girl but I found ways into pop music. I found hip hop songs, electro pop, I tried everything. I found one single song I guess he liked so much he wasn't willing to pretend he hated it. Years ago.

I even had a conversation with him about it one day when he was having a moment of clarity but he didn't give an inch on that subject.

Recently, DD found a song that was similar to the one song he admitted he liked - there was a style and a specific humor to it. She shared the song with me and we laughed and laughed. Next time we were all in the car, she played it, and he was stoic and disapproving.

DD was confused because, and isn't this interesting, he really enjoys her music! He is open to all sorts of stuff. She was expecting he'd really get a kick out of it, but she got a stone wall.

Because I was in the car. Because I was enjoying the song.

DD kept asking him, how do you not like this? He answered shortly, like, "Well I guess I don't enjoy it as much as YOU GUYS clearly do, so what? Is that a PROBLEM?" And she felt really shut down. LIKE I DO ALL THE TIME.

So here's the confirmation.

She was in the car with him the other day without me. Same song comes up on her playlist. She texted me OMG DAD LOVES THIS SONG AFTER ALL?? She described him laughing and singing along. To the same song that he was clutching his pearls over when I was sitting there.

DD was really confused but I kust explained that the difference was that I wasn't in the car.

You know the band all three of us love? DD says he sings is heart out to them if it's just the two of them.

This is nbd... except it is, to me. He is starving me, on purpose, of something I crave so much. ON PURPOSE.

I can't tell you how much my heart aches to sing in the car to some of these stupid songs.

Instead, I have a literal complex to deal with. Music has become secret to me. I don't even dare listen on earbuds with him in the house, as I guess one can still hear what is being played.

I don't want to risk him ruining even one more song. All my music, I want it to have no ties whatsoever to him. Not even just his stony silence.

[Fae Greenwood]

Your unhappiness is his supply. He can't force you to be happy, but he can force you to be unhappy. That's how it works. It is the walking on eggshells bit. In a normal relationship, you'd be able to take a pretty good guess what his reaction will be. Even if he didn't like it, most non-PDs would be happy with your pleasure. If they don't like your music, you'd listen with earbuds without issue. But he HAS to make you feel bad so you can't even do that. And he really had you jumping at his call, didn't he? Look at the effort you put into sharing with him, and he swatted you down again and again. Your husband's default reaction to your music isn't dislike, it is to make you unhappy. They almost literally suck the joy out of you like a spider sucking out the life from an insect. At least he's not targeting your daughter too. Sometimes we have to look for the flowers among the weeds. And don't let him keep you from enjoying your own music. Eventually he'll ask to share. My voice of experience advises you to not do that because his predatory aspect will always be there.

[Lauren17]

This is a big deal. Maybe the one song in and of itself isn't. But the pattern of knocking you down over and over again is.

What you've described is exactly what I lived with for most of my adult life. I think of it like water wearing away a stone in a river. He has worn away so much of me.

I hope that you find a way to find pleasure in your music, on your own, without his words ringing in your head.

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Yes, I am glad he doesn't do it to DD.

I'm still mulling over exactly what it's about. I think about another thing I figured out years ago, that wasn't as big a deal for me. He had started making fun of anything athletic I did. Sneering how I was Iron Woman or whatever, which felt extra cutting because I'm not, I'm a middle aged out of shape woman doing lame things like walking a single lap. Come on.

But I realized at some point that he was threatened. We used to be in similar shape but at some point, I was shocked to realize, I had more endurance than he did (which is not saying anything at all).

After I really understood that, ine day I had him drop me off at the gym. All I did was walk on the treadmill. Nothing to be threatened by. But he made some crappy remark and I looked him dead on in the eyes and said quietly, "I know what you're doing." And I got out of the car.

He never said another thing on the subject again. Our power had flipped. He decided he was willing to make his disabled wife small so he could feel less small. He did it over and over. And I finally saw how small and utterly pathetic he was.

It didn't have to be that way. We could have built each other up. I never would have seen him as small without him making that choice. And since he made it, now I have all the power. I could utterly skewer him on this subject. A thought that would have been so foreign and horrible to me until he decided to declare that war.

I dunno about the music, though. I really don't see anything for him to be threatened by. Neither of us are musical gurus, our tastes are neither refined nor as horrible as they could be.

He did always refuse to sing in front of me, or if he did, he would use a jokey voice and sound purposefully bad. Always baffled me. My mom once heard him sing to baby DD in another room and confirmed what I suspected, he has a nice voice, he may not be on American Idol but a lovely tenor range.

DD says he sings in the car with her.

I think it's less feed and more insecurity somehow, but I can't figure it out.

[11JB68]

Sometimes the pwpd remind me of demented, they suck the joy.
I love music too and updh does some similar stuff sometimes.
He also projects an idea that I have limited taste in music,  yet he's the one who will keep changing the radio station in the car,  skipping over many songs I like,  still not happy.

[JustKeepTrying]

It is about control and as he controls you; he gets a high off your negative reaction.  He knows you will be down and that is his feed. 

Yes, there is probably a deeper insecurity at issue to all PDs and it has been debated on this board before.  I used to excuse my xOCPDh all the time because of my NPDMIL.  But that's just it, it was an excuse.  He would still sneer at me when I attempted to exercise.

I don't want to hijack your thread but my ex would both encourage, disdain and sneer when I attempted exercise.  I am handicapped.  Fairly severe.  And it has become clear to me these past few days that my disability made him look good.  He was praised, pitied and given sympathy - all attention - for caring for his disabled wife.  All the while, keeping me down so I never really recovered.  It was a mind f*&^.  I have worked hard with my therapist and PT/OT to really overcome the crippling anxiety attacks I get when I try to exercise.  It is hard.

If you use the toolbox and give him medium chill during his disapproval of the music, while enjoying it with your DD, I wonder if he would have shifted positions?

Regardless, enjoy the music that feeds you.

[11JB68]

BTW I meant dementors (like in Harry Potter)

I feel like with my updh some of it is jealousy too. He can't stand when ds and I are enjoying something together

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Oh yes my husband can be a full on dementor.

Jealousy of me and DD might be a factor. But he was doing this before DD and I were sharing stuff together like that.

I'm all done being Charlie Brown. If I'm ever stuck in the car with him again for a trip he'll just have to find something on the radio and I'll have to resist the impulse to make snide remarks about the channel he chooses.

I really dislike the nasty impulses I feel when I have been hurt.

DD will be driving soon and we can finally enjoy music just the two of us.

[1footouttadefog]

Sounds like he is deliberately stealing your joy. 

My pdh gets wired and moody about food. But not when someone else is cooking.   Won't make this long winded details I am sure you could all imagine. We order a Hello Fresh or Blue Apron box about once a month when the kids are both here to cook. (It's a replacement for going out and away to get one DD to learn to cook). They are all magical meals regardless of ingredients, a large percentage of which are normally not tolerated. 

He steals my cooking joy. 

Fine I buy frozen meatballs or fish portions and feed him an alternat meal and still enjoy some upscale cooking along with my daughter's. 

I encourage you to replace your husband as your music partner or simply enjoy your music via ear buds and don't give him space in your head regarding music.  Maybe find a pub or concert to go to that has your music leave his grumpy self out.

Do this will all areas he refuses to engage with you in.  Build a fulfilling life despite him.  Marriage is about sex.  Save that for him and he he quits that question if you still have a marriage.

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Yeah, he's deliberately stealing my joy. I don't understand exactly why, but he is.

If I understood the exact dynamic, the power would flip just like with the crap about exercise. But I don't actually get it in detail.

OTOH even if the power didn't flip, his has been neutralized at last. I've been consciously aware I've been playng Charlie Brown for at least four years, and still felt the urge even though I restrained it more and more. Now? I'm done.

I'm homebound due to my and my H's collective disabilities, but I have my earbuds in whenever he goes to work. When DD gets her license we'll fight over what to listen to at top volume in the car and all will be well.

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I know you have been able to engage in your community and do active things, but as a reminder, I'm disabled and do not have your resources. It honestly can be hard to be told to find a fulfilling life elsewhere when I cannot leave the house, like it's that easy. I'm glad it worked for you.

Marriage may be sex alone for you, but for me it's intimacy, to know and be known. We can have sex with a dildo if that's all it is.

[1footouttadefog]

Of course marriage should be more than about sex.  But that is the one thing that is typically defining, of marriage as apposed to a good friendship, it's the one thing you typically cannot outsource.  Listening to music usually can be as can so many other things he likely steals your joy about.

Intimacy is hard to get from a pd person.  Most nons have found they have little ability to create it when it's lacking no matter how much of themselves they sacrifice. 

I am sorry you have limited access to other options,  but do practice holistic self care to the extent you can. 

Maybe you can find some online outlets.

During lock downs  I used apps where people perform live music on social Media  and the audience members get to know each other and it's like weekly get together I have used an app where I found a group that does an open mic night and everyone is so supportive of each other its amazing, even though not all participants are especially talented.  People share their feelings about the songs and memories and stories etc.

I hope you find a way forward towards a happier situation.