He gets angry and can't let it go

[11JB68]

uPDh has a short fuse. Gets super angry over small stuff and can't let it go quickly.
He actually acknowledges this and knows it's true. Seems as if he wishes he could be different but 'cannot'. It's 'how he's wired'.
Yet, even though he states that he knows he's overly angry over 'stupid/small' stuff, what he wants from me is an apology for what I did, a commitment not to do it again, and for me to understand his POV.
I am much less in the FOG these days and can at least see that he is being self-centered and this is all about him.
My world continues to get smaller and smaller and more and more controlled by HIS needs/wants vs my own.
Last night's example, and I have to give some background here:
1) uPDh determines what time 'we' go to bed at night. I am tired pretty early like 9pm. HE doesn't want to go to bed that early. I used to go up without him but he started to insist that we go up together, i.e. at the time HE wants
2) HE needs to watch tv in the evening. We watch together for like 3-4 hours. More than enough for me. I do not find TV relaxing. I like to read at bed time. At some point he gets up to go have his pre-bedtime smoke and brush his teeth etc.-at that time, he 1) changes the channel to something arbitrary that he chooses (not me), 2) leaves the room with the TV on some arbitrary volume between 10-14. (Note: in the am when I watch the news the volume is on 6!)
3) there's a chore that he asks me to do for him as he's leaving the room (I won't go into detail, it is stupid/something he could/should do for himself of course)
A while ago I started turning down the tv volume when I get up to do the chore. I put it somewhere between 6-8 depending on how loud the show is, so that while he's doing his stuff I can lay on the couch and read my kindle or look at FB etc. to relax before bed.
Sometimes he comes in and turns it back up a bit for a few moments before we head up.
Last night he came in, turned it up, left the room, came back, said my name - I was reading my kindle and looking up something on my phone, I shut off the phone and said 'yes?'.  Pause.... Him: Can you put down your twenty devices and listen to me? (Ummmm....20?? 1 phone. 1 Kindle - to me the Kindle = a book, not a 'device' Me: okay (i put them down). Him: (angry) Why do you do that? (Do what?) What do you think? (what?) Turn down the Tv? When did you start doing that? 3 days ago? (Me, I don't know when) Him: I can't hear it. Now I'm upset/angry and I can't get out of this mood to go to bed! Why do you have to un-do stuff that I do? If I do something it's for a reason etc etc etc.
Finally he says, well why don't you go to bed?
Me: Ok
Him: I'll be a couple hours
Me: A couple hours?
Him: yeah, that's allright with you? (angrily) So he's being very passive aggressive now - I'm supposed to feel sorry for him that he won't be able to get to sleep cuz he's angry.
Well.....finally he agrees he'll come up
Guess who fell asleep almost right away? (him) and who was till awake two hours later? (me)
EVERYthing has to be HIS way only. HIS way makes sense. Even if it imposes on me and what I want or need
Am I being passive aggressive by turning down the tv after he leaves the room?  MAYbe.... but I think it's rude to change the tv channel and walk out and expect me to deal with it and not touch it.
In my mind: I could go into the other room to read when he leaves the room - I KNOW that wouldn't be 'acceptable' to him either. He wants me to stay there and wait for him to be ready. It's insane.
I pretty much MCd the whole thing. I know he will want to "talk" about it more tonight. The more we talk, the less I"m able to MC it. I'll end up getting emotional and saying stuff I can't un-say.  All over the volume of the tv.
I just don't know anymore.
This stuff isn't as bad as it used to be (I think because of my MC and no-JADE it just doesn't blow up as much) and it varies in frequency, and seems maybe less than it used to be (which may be since his heart attack he tries to keep his temper in check) -but it really is about 1x/week that I'm being 'spoken to' (my words - not so much 'yelled at' but basically told I need to do better.

[Andeza]

11JB68 I can't help but feel that your H is holding you hostage. You're a prisoner in his world. You have to abide by his reality because of XYZ that he makes up.

[GentleSoul]

Sorry that sounds horrendous.  My nerves jangled just reading it.  It is an awful situation for you to live in.  All on his terms, as you say.

The loud television would completely do me in.  I like it at a nice gentle volume like you do.   

[bat123]

Hi, 11JB68, I'm sorry, this sounds like a difficult situation.  It sounds like there are a lot of issues in the relationship around control and poor boundaries.  I've found myself in similar situations.  I've been trying to explore my own reactions and feelings of discomfort when I feel like I'm not meeting someone else's expectations.  And trust me, I know this is much harder to think about when you LIVE with the person.  I'd start to really ask yourself— what are you so afraid of?  Why do you get so triggered by his disapproval?  Why is it so hard for you to say that you would like to go to bed with a book at the time you want to?  I've been trying to educate myself about codependency, and honestly for me it's a lot easier to address these dynamics by looking at it from that angle.  Because we are never going to change them.  We can only figure it out by changing ourselves.  Sounds like you're beginning to work on using tools to help you respond differently, which is great.  I recommend watching the Surviving Narcissism videos by Les Carter ( on YouTube).  He offers a simple, practical advice fir dealing with difficult, controlling people.  (Whether they are diagnosed narcissists or not, doesn't matter.)

[11JB68]

bat123
I struggle with all of the things you mention. It's more the consequences of my just doing what I want. He ramps up the anger/rage.
I can MC and not JADE and this keeps things fairly even-keeled; however for the most part I am sacrificing what I want/need for what he wants/needs.
My alternative is to leave the relationship. But I struggle with that as well. I've read on here, and elsewhere, about what happens when you try to divorce/leave a pwPD... Along with ramping up the rage he can quickly sink into severe depression and could become suicidal. I 'KNOW' that is not my responsibility, but it weighs on me. As miserable as I am I do care about him. Also although our DS is grown (24yo) I am concerned about repercussions/impact on him as well. Also -the financial aspects for all of us. If I divorce him I will have to pay support. We are trying to help our DS by paying down student loans - what happens with that if suddenly we need to set up two separate households? Housing is very pricey/hard to come by in our area and I feel like I could negatively impact us all financially by leaving.
Since uPDh has such 'black and white' thinking I feel that the options become black and white. There is no middle ground with him, so I feel like I have to choose one path or another - stay and MC/no-JADE or leave and deal with those consequences. If I stay and 'fight' it is just a constant battle with lots of drama and cancelled plans etc.
And, yes on occasion I have felt physically afraid of him (though he has never struck me and I'm not sure he would, BUT I have also never 'really' tested that!)
Honestly, today I am fluctuating between anger and depression myself. I'm not feeling like I have much to look forward to in  life at this point and it is discouraging.

[square]

Hi, I am so sorry you are feeling so stuck and so discouraged. I relate so hard.

It's interesting how you observe that the PD's black and white thinking forces black and white choices on you. Since there is no gray for him, your choices are just the black and white. Any effort to go gray is basically choosing black.

I'm not trying to push you in any direction, but I did want to say your DS will be okay if he ends up having to finish paying off his loans. Well, that's just my experience. My parents promisedto pay my college but were financially irresponsible so it didn't happen. MIL used paying college as a leverage of control over H, and he was smart enough to break that shackle. Obviously your DS would have a different experience but I just don't feel like paying college should be the reason you stay, and perhaps DS would feel the same, I don't know. Just a thought.

Another way to look at it is that there are some ideals in life we may have to let go of, and that's ok, and can even lead to positive growth (possibly for DS as well).

I hear ya on te suicide fear, and that's all I can say on that. That's a factor here too. I might be able to get past it, but there are other things in front of it first.

We have some differences in our sutuations but one thing I think is similar is that maybe we're both in this very un-sweet spot of maximum misery short of it being an accelerative force or catalyst. Any more misery and we'd maybe have no choice. But here we are in a level of misery that strains us but is just survivable enough to continue.

We are afraid of the alternative - not of that sweet idyllic life we can picture on the other side, but the destruction it'll take to get there - if it's even there after the wreckage.

I will say the obvious, that you are worried about the negative impacts on your husband and son. Your husband is happy to set all the megative impacts squarely on your shoulders, every one of them. No worries on the strain of adding yet another weight. As for DS, he is an adult, granted somewhat fledgling but not entirely. He will be okay if you make choices to protect yourself. You are worth protecting, and you are not required to be Atlas for adult men. You know it, just sayin'.

[bat123]

I hear you, 11JB68.  I've been with uNPD for 25 years, with three children.  Although my children are mostly grown, I struggle with making any moves that would threaten the stability of our family structure.  Preserving the family has been so important to me, but that has come with great sacrifice.   And as a woman in particular I know that I've been socialized to put everyone in the family's needs before my own.  What I see in your story is that you're twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to keep everything status quo.  I've spent much of my life doing the same.  Please know that there are ways to heal, and create some mental space for yourself, even if you don't make the decision to leave at this time.  It may just be the way that you speak to yourself.  My therapist helped me learn to speak to myself more compassionately, and it has helped.  Are you in therapy?  I think it's so important to have a safe place where you can explore these things, and begin to think about things a little bit differently.  So much of what keeps us locked into these situations is fear.  Fear of change, fear of loss.  I think there is so much to be learned by leaning into that fear just a little— challenging it,  questioning it, and facing it.  The fact that you're here, on this board, talking and questioning and looking for answers, that's huge.

[1footouttadefog]

My take, he is using the sound to make an a ti ity or phone call he is doing when he leaves the room.

He picks fights to have an excuse to stay up later than you even though you cannot do the same.

He sees the devices as you not giving him your attention.

You are being held prisoner.

You will never make him hally, so you might as well go to a room where you can sleep well.