Reached out to godfather after godmother's passing

[footprint33]

Hi all,

I am looking for any feedback or thoughts on how I'm handling a specific situation. Before I get to the situation, I need to give some basic background info. I'd been fully NC with both of my uNPD parents for 5 years and VLC with them for 7 years before that when I heard last summer through the grapevine that my father was dying. After a whole lot of thinking, I decided that I would reach out to him through email. I did not do this for him, I did it for me. We never had a blowout when I went NC in 2016, though there had been an awakening moment for me in 2009 after I'd had my first child and both of my parents treated me cruelly. After that awakening, I distanced myself and learned about NPD, realized that there was no hope and then faded away into complete NC in 2016.

When I reached out to my father last summer, I only sent him a very short email in which I said I'd heard he was sick and hoped he was well. Although we'd had no contact in over 5 years, he asked me nothing about my family or two children, who are now 10 and 12. For years, he has been telling many in the social network how much he wants to have contact with us, misses his grandchildren, etc. I'd seen this same self-martyrdom behavior many times before, always after he treated me very cruelly, and even after I'd give him plenty of opportunities to see my children and me.

After the contact this summer, he was very cold to me and then sent me photos of him and my mom with huge smiles on their faces, sitting in a bar. All that he wrote about was himself and how well he was doing. After that, he never wrote again. I had sent a basic response with something like, "I'm glad to hear that things are going well for you." Then, I also stopped writing because it seemed pointless. However, I kept the email channel open, just in case he would send something nice, though my hopes for that diminished quickly with each passing day.

Fast forward to this past January and almost 5 months of not hearing from him since that communication over the summer. Out of the blue, my father forwards an email to me from my uncle, who is also my godfather. In that email, my uncle states that my aunt, who was also my godmother, had died. She had apparently been sick for a while. My father never bothered to tell me that she was sick, but he was quick to notify me about the death. I think that the manner in which he sent me the notification of the death was in itself quite cruel. I have two children and never in a million years would I forward an email to one of my children from someone else about the child's godparent's death. I would always include a message of empathy of my own to let my child know that his/her godparent had passed away.

Regarding my godparents, I basically lost them after I distanced myself from my parents over a decade ago. I don't think that they're bad people, but they clearly believed whatever NPD parents told them about me. The last time I heard from my godmother was in 2015. She wrote me an email about how she was "concerned" about me because she hadn't heard from me. This actually wasn't true because I had written to her a few years earlier about how things were going and she just hadn't responded. But I sent her a lovely response, giving her details about my life, which is quite a good one, and sending her adorable pics of my kids. She never responded. I was hurt by that, but what can you do. I can't imagine not responding to one of my nieces, but I do believe that my extended family is also narcissistic and cult-like, something that I've written about elsewhere here.

In any case, after I learned of my godmother's death in January, I did not know what to do and talked about it at length with my therapist. We decided that I should do nothing. I hadn't heard from either of my godparents in years, and they hadn't been particularly nice to me. I also decided at that time to re-block my father on email, which felt very good. I see no reason to contact him ever again.

So this brings me to the current situation. This morning, I receive a nice email from a cousin, who forwards me another email from my uncle. In that email, he talks about how he will hold a celebration at a beach in July so that he can scatter my aunt's ashes. He says in the email that he doesn't have everyone's contact information, and he says he wants to make sure that everyone in the family receives the email and information. My cousin also thinks that the family is toxic, but I told her that I felt I needed to respond. One thing that has been bothering me ever since my father told me that my godmother had died is that he never told me she was sick.

With that in mind, I felt that I wanted to reach out to him to express my condolences, but also to say that my family of origin had not told me she was ill, which I suppose was to validate myself in some way. These are not all the words, but here is the gist of what I wrote:

Hi Uncle X, A cousin sent me a kind email this morning to let me know that there will be a celebration of Aunt X's life this summer. I greatly appreciated this. No one from my family of origin told me that Aunt X was sick, and the notification I got in January that she had passed on made me sad. She was my godmother. I send my condolences to you and your family and hope that you're doing ok. It sounds as if the beach will be the perfect place to celebrate her life. We won't be able to make it but send our best for the event.

I'm not sure where you're all at these days, but hope that you, your kids and grandkids are all doing well. The grandkids must be getting into their tweens and teens by now. Ours are doing well and getting big too.

My FOO's MO is to not respond. I'm therefore assuming that he just won't respond, which is what my godmother did in 2015 when I sent her that nice email with pics of my kids.

For anyone who has read this, I'd appreciate any thoughts on the matter. I realize I shouldn't expect any response from my uncle. It has clearly been bothering me and so I came to Out of the FOG.

Thanks for any thoughts,
footprint

[footprint33]

I also wanted to emphasize that when my father forwarded the email in January from my godfather about my godmother's death, he said absolutely nothing in it--not a single word (eg. "Hi Footprint, we got this sad news today") or anything at all.

[Hilltop]

It's tricky isn't it.  When communication breaks down it's hard to know how to respond.  I think it's nice to reach out and offer condolences.  I would maybe keep it more focused on his grief though such as:

"Hi Uncle X, A cousin sent me a kind email this morning to let me know that there will be a celebration of Aunt X's life this summer. I greatly appreciated this.   I didn't know she was sick so this came as a great shock and I'm saddened by the news of her passing.  I send my condolences to you and your family and hope that you're doing ok. It sounds as if the beach will be the perfect place to celebrate her life.  I'm thinking of you and the family during this time and the heartache you are dealing with.  I'm sorry for your loss".

I would try to keep it focused on their grief.  As you say you haven't spoken in years, grief is hard, I think the kindest thing you can do is just acknowledge that grief.  I would assume he would have too much going on to really think about whether you are attending or not. 

Your father sounds very cold.  Very shut off.  As you say what he says elsewhere is not what he shows to you.  He seemed to want to make a point that they are happy despite the estrangement which is hurtful.  That's not the way to send an olive branch or reach out to reunite.  It's simply pride. 

Sorry for the loss of your Godmother and the hurtful way you found out.

[footprint33]

Hi Hilltop,

Thanks for your message and sensitivity to the issue. Yes, it is really hard to navigate these things, especially for those of us who have been ostracized by a larger family community. We are not allowed to grieve with the family and have to go through the mourning process on our own. To make matters worse, in some cases we are actively left out of these events, which make the process harder.

I had already sent the email to my godfather, so what's done is done. And he has already responded, not in any warm way. He starts his email by saying that nobody knew that my godmother was sick because she didn't want people to know and wanted privacy. I know I'm probably coming off as icy, but this is bullshit. We have a very large family, and I know from one cousin that even cousins who did not know my aunt that well were notified and people were reaching out to her at the end of her life. I was her only goddaughter and we were close when I was younger. So now, in addition to dealing with all this, I'm looking at my godfather lying to me and doing so in a way to make me feel bad.

One of the biggest issues with my NPD parents and the narcissistic family at large, is that they are huge liars and they'll say any lie, big or small, to cover their tracks and to make people feel bad.

As I said in my original post, my godparents have not been particularly nice to me ever sense I went VLC with my NPD parents in 2009 and then NC in 2016. I probably just should have never written at all.

Thanks again,
footprint

[Hilltop]

Yep it's hard to navigate.  It says a lot about your Godparents though that they automatically sided with your parents and estranged themselves as well.  They could have still had a relationship with  you regardless of what was happening with your parents.

What you wrote was fine and it was lovely to reach out.  IMO it would have looked bad to receive the news of the death and not say anything, so reaching out and offering an olive branch (which you did) and offering kind condolence's speaks of your character. 

It's really hard to deal with especially when as you say you have been left out and regularly get lied to.  I think you've done the nicest thing you can do and whatever they make of it or if they want to be cold in return that's on them.

[SunnyMeadow]

I agree with Hilltop. It was lovely and caring of you to reach out to him. It's hard to know what to do in these types of situations. If he doesn't reply, well then you know there isn't any remaining relationship with your godfather. I think it's nice that you offered your condolences and compassion. Considering the circumstances, you certainly didn't have to.

As for your dad, amazing (but not surprising) that he replies to you and only writes about himself. Typical that he replies how well he is doing but doesn't ask about you or your children. I've seen that same sort of reaction from my uNPD mother. She puts on a good show of missing grandchildren but doesn't ask about them or try to contact them. It's all about them putting effort into her because she's the elder.

I hope you get a reply from your uncle but sadly, I wouldn't hold my breath. Isn't it sad that so many people go along in believing the uNPD people and never give a thought to the other side of the story?

I'm sorry footprint.

[footprint33]

Hi Hilltop and Hero,

Thank you so much for your responses. Hilltop, I read your second response last night and it really helped me feel ok and sleep better. I felt better today about the fact that I had written. After reading my godfather's curt response yesterday, I sent a very short and benign email this morning in which I said I was sure he and my godmother were proud grandparents and that I remembered their grandkids because he had listed them by name in his email. He hasn't responded and won't respond again, and I don't care too much. I just wanted a basic response to close out the conversation.

I will be triggered for a few days from this. But I've realized that in the long run, it's better I reached out to express some emotion about my godmother's passing than to not have said anything. I think not saying anything is right for many people, and I actually won't say anything when my own parents die because there will be no point, nor anyone to express that to. But I think that if I hadn't sent the email to my godfather, I might have regretted it well into the future. It's another stone turned. What showed up on the other side was not pretty, but I needed to see it anyhow.

I really appreciate both of your supportive words in this matter. It seems to be a bit of a no-win situation when these things happen, but sometimes what seems no-win is actually a win in the long run.

Hero, I read a study out of the University of Michigan about 10 years back. They found that contrary to what we might think, showing more data and facts on a topic actually makes someone who didn't want to believe you in the first place believe you even less. I have shown through my life work and deeds that I'm a good person. My parents are alcoholics, have few to no friends, and have done many horrible things. And yet the extended family, which is a dysfunctional narcissistic entity unto itself, continues to uphold them and try to make me out to be a bad person or in the wrong. It's the same thing from that study--nothing I can show them will ever change their opinion of me or of my parents. I really think that my parents could treat me violently before their very eyes and they would still take their side.

footprint