Delayed reaction

[Poison Ivy]

I have written a bit on this site about my house (formerly the marital house) and the many ways in which it fell into disrepair during my marriage. I've been divorced for almost six years and I've gradually chipped away at cleaning and decluttering the house and getting repairs done. The latter has mostly depended on when I can afford the high expenses.
Yesterday, workers finished a $20,000 project: replacing a shower, filling holes in the ceiling and walls of that bathroom, replacing insulation in the attic, redoing plumbing, replacing the bathroom floor so it wouldn't collapse when the plumbing was fixed. Yesterday, I was excited and happy with the results and proud of myself for taking this step.
Today, I'm sad and I feel like I never want to use the shower, because it was the one my then-husband used and our children and I didn't use because it became so disgusting.
Any words of wisdom for silly sad me?

[Liketheducks]

Make it YOUR oasis.  Nice towels, lovely smelling soaps, maybe some eucalyptus hanging from the shower head.   Make it your spa.   Use all the things that your ex wouldn't have appreciated or that wouldn't have been kid friendly.   Reclaim the space as your refuge.    I'm proud of you for chipping away at this!    You're taking care of yourself by improving this asset.   That's good adulting, right there.   

[Amadahy]

Aw, poisonivy, you're not silly.  Energy is real and you need to get rid of the last of his in that space.  LTD is right, make it loving and lovely and even sage the crap out of it or find (or create) a meaningful ritual to welcome good juju and give thanks. 

I really get what you mean.  My DH has done a complete (floor to ceiling) remodel of our livingroom, kitchen/dining, and spare room because when Nmom moved in for a bit that was where she primarily was.  I saged and prayed and it is my beautiful space, once again, full of light and love.  How sweet he was to do that for me!  How wonderful for you to do for yourself!   

PS.  Just a thought, probably projection on my part .... I am not used to accepting nice things or enjoying nice things.  When I do, it feels weird and I've self-sabotaged too often to count.  Even today ... it is a beautiful day, I am in a wonderful headspace, and what do I think of doing?  Going to see nmom at her living facility.  Instead, I'm enjoying a cuppa joe and giving thanks that I can sometimes see past myself.   

[Hilltop]

I would scrub it with bleach and then throw some sage or other incense around.  Put in all new decorative items to make it yours.  I would say that as you use it more it will become yours.

It is a completely new room.  Think of the old that was removed as him being removed from there as well.  I guess the memories are still there however replace that with new memories.  Fill it with your things and make it yours.

His room was the old disrepair bathroom, this new remodelled area is your room, your finished project, this area is now you.  Your ex has had no part in these renovations so this is all you.

Give it time, it will eventually feel like yours.

[pianissimo]

I think your reaction is healthy. You are acknowledging the history of the shower. Perhaps, for you, it was part of the trauma.

Just a thought, probably projection on my part .... I am not used to accepting nice things or enjoying nice things.  When I do, it feels weird and I've self-sabotaged too often to count.  Even today ... it is a beautiful day, I am in a wonderful headspace, and what do I think of doing?  Going to see nmom at her living facility.  Instead, I'm enjoying a cuppa joe and giving thanks that I can sometimes see past myself.

I relate to this a lot. My way of dealing with this is to let myself feel both like and dislike for nice things. It seems like I like things to be functional, so, when I focus on functionality, I'm able to trick myself into getting and doing nice things.

[GentleSoul]

Thanks for writing about this, funnily enough I had similar thoughts about my bathroom.  I had it redone after PD H passed and I went through sadness as you speak of.

I sat with this.  It passed, I now absolutely love my gorgeous new shower.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for the responses. I'm not sad anymore, I still haven't used the shower, today I cleaned the attached bedroom. I feel like this is progress.

[SonofThunder]

Poison Ivy,

Congratulations on the remodel!  I very much like the ideas of the others regarding paint and scent.  Congrats on the first step of cleaning the attached bedroom.  If that bedroom is not needed as a bedroom any longer, then possibly a conversion to another use?   That also may assist in steadily losing the thoughts about the connected bath. 

If you do need the bedroom for guests, i want to suggest you look at the bedroom like a hotel (or bed & breakfast) room for guests.  Decorating like a hotel room can be fun, as you mentally pretend your guests will find the room invigorating.  If a guest arrived in your new 'hotel room' that had never visited your area before, they would expect to find up-to-date local welcome publications about the area and even find local artisan decor in the room (pottery, art etc).  I suggest you visit a local area hotel and gather up some of those local-guide publications to use in your hotel room. 

So then, that new bathroom is now a guest-spa bath!  Like the others here suggested, making that bathroom into a spa-like getaway is great.  Then, when you want a mini-vacay, you can stay in your own hotel room and own spa-bath.

You wrote "....because it was the one my then-husband used and our children and I didn't use because it became so disgusting." 

You wrote that the remodel replaced the shower.  So therefore your ex-husband has never used that new shower...ever. Yes, he used that physical space in the home, but your converting it to a hotel room spa bath is like a home being converted to a coffee shop, or a home being converted to a bed & breakfast.  His old use was was washed away down the drain of the old bath that was then discarded by the contractor. 

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, SonofThunder. The attached room will continue to be a bedroom, and I think I can get inspired and motivated to make it special for future guests.

[1footouttadefog]

I not so long ago flip flopped my house and the bathroom PDH had been using had become pretty nasty.  I would go and clean it but there is alot if wear and tear.  I am in the process of replacing things.

Anyway I did a full cleaning of the room from cielings to floor.  Scrubbed, dusted, washed etc.  Even to glass light globes and the outlet covers.  I also took the window apart and cleaned the dead bugs from the tracts and cleaned the sill and glass and screen. 

I then opened the window and lit a nice candle in a jar and let it burn until it was gone.  In my mind this is a separation between his nasty and me taking it back. 

I bought a new faucet that nreolace the one he let hardware build up ruin.  I already got a new curtain rod and toilet seat.  The light fixtures will be next.

I can understand the bad memories of such.  As I said I would clean by scrubbing tub and sink and toilet and wiping floor and mirror, but the wear and tear is unreal.  The two other baths in the house have not suffered this despite having more users.  I also notice anywhere he stayed in house has worn hardwood finish to the wood.  No where else.  Strange.