Toxic empathy for my parents due to the war

[mary_poppins]

I know having empathy for people who abused you and made you dependent on them is unhealthy (it's called toxic empathy) but I can't help it. I was born that way.
So, because of the war in Ukraine, we are affected, too (we're in Romania) because we're at the border. People say the Russians will want Moldova too and that's exactly at the border with our country. Anyway, people here think out country will be attacked too because we help Ukraine a lot so, in my mind I am thinking: fuck, if we're attacked, I can't go no contact with my family anymore. I don't want them to die so I need to stay in contact to help them the way I can.

But I want to cut ties as soon as possible, like in the next two months. My depression is getting worse and I started thinking about the war, dying and see no great future ahead of me. I assume this is the trauma bond speaking and anxiety caused by the news.
So how can I let go of this incredibly toxic empathy to free myself and stop wanting to help or support my parents?

I can tell you that they don't care about me at all. Just today they were talking about fleeing to another country (so dramatic) to escape the possible danger of the war but didn't include me in their plan. Lol. So obvious! It was like a message for me: we're gonna leave and we want you to know that you don't matter. I was shocked to hear that.

Of course, it was expected that they'd make future plans for themselves as a family (my brothers and both parents) without including me. From that statement, I realized, oh I am really the scapegoat here. They truly see me as the bad one whom they need to isolate.

Anyway, let me know if you were able to let the unhealthy empathy for your abusers go. How did you stop yourself from reaching out to them when they needed help or they were sick/ in danger?

[SunnyMeadow]

I was born this way too, and have a good idea of what you mean. I'm so sorry for you to hear they are making plans without including you mary_poppins. That has got to feel like a huge slap in the face. I also feel bad that you're in this position and stress due to the war. I'll be thinking about you.

So how can I let go of this incredibly toxic empathy to free myself and stop wanting to help or support my parents?

For me, hearing that they are making plans to flee to a different country and these plans don't include you would really make me think about this empathy I have for them. Like why am I even bothering feeling empathy for them when their plans don't include me?

Through the years my parents have chipped away at my caring and empathy for them. They are only concerned about themselves. But even though their actions have reduced my empathy, it hasn't gone away. Like you said, we were born this way and being raised to be so concerned about them hasn't helped either. Feeling anger towards them has helped my instinct to jump in and help them. I'm feeling so much anger and my level of caring is going down the tubes.

Maybe embracing the anger inside you would help the unhealthy empathy go away or at least be reduced. Again, I'm sorry you're in this situation with the war at your doorstep.

[Danden]

It is shocking to me that they would consider going away and leaving you behind.  I agree with SunnyMeadow that embracing your anger can help you.  Please think about yourself and your own safety and forget about your parents.  Do you have a plan to take care of yourself if your circumstances go south?  Convert your anger to action and take care of yourself.  Don't worry about them.  They don't worry about you.

[mary_poppins]

Thank you, SunnyMeadow and Danden.

Yeah, that discussion of them making a plan behind my back is eye-opening. And I feel a bit of anger but it's more sadness and disappointment.
Yeah, I have a plan to immigrate, too. But it will take a while. At least, I won't be able to leave in the next month for example. The plan for immigration has been drawn in 2021 but I've procrastinated because of the FOG. Time to take real action now.

Btw, my parents don't want to leave but my brothers want to convince them to leave with them. At least, if they leave they'll make NC soooo much
easier 

[Boat Babe]

This is unreal. In the face of war with Russia, your parents are still treating you like shit. I am so so sorry. Please make all and any arrangements to keep yourself safe. If they are prepared to abandon you, then you owe them nothing. Again, so so sorry. Nobody deserves this. Huge hugs.

[Sneezy]

Convert your anger to action and take care of yourself.  Don't worry about them.  They don't worry about you.

I agree with everyone who is telling you to take care of yourself, first and foremost.  Please keep us posted when you can.  I'm so sorry that you are going through this - the world is a scary place right now, and you are closer than most of us to the danger at the moment.  Keep yourself safe, mentally and physically.  I wish there was more I could do, but know that I am sending you a big hug and continued prayers for your safety. 

[donutmoonpanda]

Hi from another family scapegoat,

I left home at 18, but a natural disaster pushed me back into my FOO when I was 21. My hometown was devastated, people lost everything, there was little help. It was a nightmare, and the sense that nothing would ever be the same hung over us every day. It was natural and normal to cling to my family and want to get through it all with my parents and my sibling. But, to be totally honest with you, I regret it.

I got sucked back in and it took me so long to unattach from them again. I went NC with my dad 9 years later. My brother 16 years later. Finally my mom after 17 years. I'm happy with where I am now, but when it gets hard I feel regret that I just didn't stay away at age 18. I sometimes imagine where I'd be today if I had just never reconnected with them and kept them at arm's length for my entire adult life. I spent a lot of time in this dysfunctional family system just trying to survive. I wish I would have gotten away sooner. Instead, I gave them ample time to prove that they neither love nor respect me and nothing I do will ever change that. They would have me sacrifice and limit my entire life so that they can take from me.

What I'm trying to say is: There is no time like the present. You need to turn that empathy inwardly. It's you (and your inner child) that need that empathy, love, respect, energy, attention, care, and concern. You need it and you deserve it more than anyone else in the world. You have all this wonderful stuff inside you. You're sharing it with these people who do not deserve it. Share it with yourself.

Listen to that intuition you have that tells you "they don't care about me at all." Your gut is wise and it won't let you down. It's boiled down your experience with them up until this point and it doesn't add up to loving care. You give/they take.

I often think of my sad mother being helpless and whining about how she wants my love or attention. Then I remind myself that she doesn't have it because she doesn't deserve it. She's done nothing to deserve anything from me. Not even my consideration. It's sad for her, but she is only experiencing the consequences of her own actions. She had choices and she made the wrong ones.

All the time, love, care, attention (and money!) that I'd been giving her really needs to come to me. I withheld it from myself for most of my life. I'm learning to care for myself. It takes a long time to learn how to do that because your family benefits from you being unable to love yourself and attend to your own needs (which are really the only responsibility you have as a person).

Whenever you are ready, I hope you begin turning that love and attention inwardly. The life raft you need is already inside of you, it will take you to safety.

[mary_poppins]

Thank you everyone for your empathy. You all are so kind.

I need to make an update of this post (I can't edit the initial post). Apparently, news of Romania being in danger of a war/conflict is fake. It's something the stupid news corporations want to promote to make more money. Many people think we're safe so there's no need to panic.
However, as you can imagine, my family, being full of PDs want drama and live off it. So all they talk about now is war. I'm so embarrassed for falling into their trap and getting anxious about something they're anxious about.

I'm safe for now and as you've advised, I'm gonna put myself first and take care of myself without considering them and their needs.

[mary_poppins]

@donutmoonpanda-thank you for your story. I'm sorry it took you so long to go NC with your fam again. But I see how a natural disaster might make one reconsider going back into their family fold. I don't know why people do this. I just feel like when there's a major disaster going on (eg pandemic), I feel the need to reach out to family. It's like an impulse. It's a bad impulse because even in those tough times these people don't care at all. I've seen how my parents made fun of the whole pandemic and minimised some relatives and their struggle with Covid. Plus, they used other people's covid stories as narcissistic supplies. Yuck.

Yeah, I need to turn the empathy inwards. But I'll probably need therapy for that.

[M0009803]

Thank you everyone for your empathy. You all are so kind.

I need to make an update of this post (I can't edit the initial post). Apparently, news of Romania being in danger of a war/conflict is fake. It's something the stupid news corporations want to promote to make more money. Many people think we're safe so there's no need to panic.
However, as you can imagine, my family, being full of PDs want drama and live off it. So all they talk about now is war. I'm so embarrassed for falling into their trap and getting anxious about something they're anxious about.

I'm safe for now and as you've advised, I'm gonna put myself first and take care of myself without considering them and their needs.

Romania is in NATO.   You will not be under military threat from Russia.

What might happen is more people from Moldova leaving for the safety of Romania under the NATO umbrella.

Either way, you do have the time to make your own plans.

[Liketheducks]

Mary_Poppins....I'm am SO sorry.   Dealing with toxic family is hard enough in good times.   Add a war into the mix....I don't know how I would deal with that.    Please, please, please....get yourself safe.   You deserve to be safe.    It seems that your family is carving you out of their plans-or making noises about that.   Don't let that make you feel as though you need to wait for them to include you.    You can be your own safe space.   I recommend it.   I will bring you greater peace eventually.     I think NPD/BPD family members....and the SG/GC dynamics..... use any situation in peace time to manipulate people around them to their agenda.      War + this is hell.   
You don't have to stay in contact in the same way that you have.     Getting a different result from them, will mean putting in a different input.

To me, empathy has become seeing that even in their drama....I can begin to see the whys of their behavior.    I don't have to agree with it, or repeat it, or allow it to violate my boundaries....but I can have a bit of empathy for their disordered way of coping with their world.      What you describe as "toxic empathy".....of course!   It is war.   Of course you'll feel a pull and obligation toward family, even with their treatment of you.  It would take a sociopath not to question how you respond to family, even abusive family, during a war.   You CAN modulate that.   Put yourself first (SOOOO hard for us as children of trauma).   Like on the airplanes.....put the oxygen mask on you first before you help anyone else.   

My mom is half Ukrainian American.   She messaged me out of the absolute blue this evening to tell me she had a craving for Ukrainian food.    Haven't spoken with Mom since Christmas.     Frankly, I was thinking of making some myself.   Particularly, making some for my Ukrainian friend who's mother is on the eastern front there and trapped.      I found myself digging out stylus and dyes to make pysanki....because....I don't know what else to do.      Mom's offer was a last minute thing.   She KNEW I wouldn't be home at the time she asked.   She basically offered to bring the food knowing that we would have already eaten.   It was a....I did this....but oh.....you don't want it....but I offered....poor me.       The boundaries + empathy in me can see that she is troubled by what is happening in Ukraine.   Understandable.   We all are.   I just messaged back....Thank you for thinking of us.   I'm not at home.   My dear husband made us a special dinner..(He had)....it is a terrible tragedy.     I won't likely hear from her again soon.   My response would have been perceived, here in the safety of the US, as cold and unsympathetic of her tragedy.   It's ok.   I'm gonna look for a charity or NGO who is helping people on the ground to contribute to.   Maybe I AM cold....I do get that she's upset.....but, I'm not willing to engage in the drama.
Please be well.