It’s hard not to feel empty

[MIB]

I just came back from visiting my mother for her 70th birthday. This time last year, we were VVVLC, which I was okay with and had come to accept. My dad died last April, which was the only factor that forced a change in that situation.

I arrived today at 11:30am and left at 4:45pm (admittedly probably too long but I haven't been since Christmas and she's an hour-ish away). I listened to her (repetitive, boring) monologue all day. She asked me 1 question - how did my biopsy this week go? - at around 4pm. No questions about my kids, husband, or otherwise about me. Never asked for more info on anything about myself or my family that I offered.

I couldn't wait to leave, and always feel so empty and frustrated after seeing her. At the end of the visit she tells me "oh I miss you so much, I'm so sad when you leave, you need to come more often", to which I think to myself, "why? So you can talk *at* me for another few hours?"

I visit occasionally and out of obligation (to myself, to feel like a decent person to my widowed mother since I'm an only child) but it's just so bizarre and don't like going. But if I did perhaps that would mean there's something wrong with me lol.

I know that I need to accept that she is who she is (uPD), I guess I just wish that she wasn't.

[feralcat]

Sorry about that.

Her phrasing is virtually exactly my mothers. And has been all my life. It's almost become a standing joke that I'd visit for a weekend. Hours on the coach at one point, with my little son. The whole family would disappear to do their own thing, including her ...and as I left she'd say ' when are you coming again, we hardly ever see you'.
I used to think it was me. Boring or whatever.

She still doesn't ask. Drones on about herself, like you say. And at the end says ' and you're alright ?'
Luckily nowadays I don't give a damn. Cue my inner Rhett Butler. Got Long Covid as well, so I haven't got the energy to care. Whatever.

MIB, it's not you, it's her. They're empty vessels, and they miss out on so much due to their disinterest. I'm pretty sure they even feel empty.
One of the surprisingly true sayings I've found is that the 'Opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy'. When you get to a certain point you'll hopefully switch off.
I only ring her because she's really old. Luckily other FOO are nearby to help her out and give her her narc supply. As a reward she throws money at them ( I refuse, she hates that)!

[SunnyMeadow]

I understand and wish my mother didn't have a PD too. Her PD has affected so many people over many decades.

When I'd go visit she'd blab on just like your mother, all about her and maybe one question about me. If it was a medical issue though, she'd allow more time because of the drama factor of "having a daughter with a medical issue". I'm sure the one remaining person she talks to on the phone has heard all about me lol.

In fact I'd visit for about the same amount of time as you did and then hear afterward how little time I spent there. My visits are purely obligation based. I don't like my mother and can't stand listening to her go on about gossip, drama and woe is me. It's a delicate balancing act of protecting myself by limiting visits and giving into the obligation thing. It would be so nice to have a non-PD mother. My whole life wouldn't have revolved around her. 

[nanotech]

Yes, I recognise that feeling of emptiness.
My Ndad is just the same.
It's all about him. All. The Time.
If I try and distract him he'll bring it back to him.
If goes on and on, and it's tiring and saddening.
If we look at photos, it's always about how HE looks on them.  Then the contradictions. He leads me up the garden path.
On the phone he tells me he'd lost weight after being ill. I express concern and contradicts my view, he says that it's fine,  and tgat he needed to lose a big off his tummy.
So I see him in the flesh, he pats his tummy to show it's  flatter. I remember his perspective on the phone call, and I tell him he is looking trim.
Dad suddenly gets cross. He abruptly asks me- don't I care that he's been ill  and lost weight? 🤷‍♀️
Yes I care- but he'd acted pleased about it on the phone? Do they actually know how much they play with our heads?
I did notice that I'm not sticking to my own view of events, that I'm trying to please him by agreeing with what I think is his perspective on what's happened to him.  And his perspective changes so that he can always criticise my input.
Yup.
Never fun

[moglow]

MIB, joining the chorus here. The last birthday I spent with md was her 80th [a few years ago] - it was awkward and uncomfortable, with her barely talking and me and the one brother in attendance digging for conversation. I found out later that day that she was upset with us, had assumed my other brothers were coming. No mention had been made of that at any point, purely a figment of her imagination. Never mind that at that point she'd not seen or really spoken with either of them in several years ...

It was never enough with us either: the visit wasn't long enough, someone said something she didn't agree with, she wasn't interested in anything outside herself unless it was doom gloom and misery of someone else's, gossip and derogatory comments, etc. She'd invariably drag up the few events she remembered from our childhood, where we'd done something wrong and want to hash that yet again.

Months later we'd get complaints about the most ridiculous comments she'd turned into drama, things we'd forgotten or just not thought about since. So we just stopped.

The next year I was road tripping and unable to call on her birthday. I had mailed her a card before i left and THAT was a problem because i dared plan a trip "on her birthday". Just a never ending list of complaints, doomed if you do and doomed if you dont. Basically the world was to come to a screeching stop for and revolve around her, always.

No matter what we did she moved the bar and changed her rules. She'd rarely say anything to the person(s) in question but bash them behind their backs. And ahe winders why we gave no relationship.

[nanotech]

MIB, joining the chorus here. The last birthday I spent with md was her 80th [a few years ago] - it was awkward and uncomfortable, with her barely talking and me and the one brother in attendance digging for conversation. I found out later that day that she was upset with us, had assumed my other brothers were coming. No mention had been made of that at any point, purely a figment of her imagination. Never mind that at that point she'd not seen or really spoken with either of them in several years ...

It was never enough with us either: the visit wasn't long enough, someone said something she didn't agree with, she wasn't interested in anything outside herself unless it was doom gloom and misery of someone else's, gossip and derogatory comments, etc. She'd invariably drag up the few events she remembered from our childhood, where we'd done something wrong and want to hash that yet again.

Months later we'd get complaints about the most ridiculous comments she'd turned into drama, things we'd forgotten or just not thought about since. So we just stopped.

The next year I was road tripping and unable to call on her birthday. I had mailed her a card before i left and THAT was a problem because i dared plan a trip "on her birthday". Just a never ending list of complaints, doomed if you do and doomed if you dont. Basically the world was to come to a screeching stop for and revolve around her, always.

No matter what we did she moved the bar and changed her rules. She'd rarely say anything to the person(s) in question but bash them behind their backs. And ahe winders why we gave no relationship.

Yes to all of this! They always think  we can read their mind re birthdays. They constantly  move the goalposts.
My Ndad spent a whole year celebrating his 80th. Three separate parties. He booked them himself!
If I get to 80 I think I'll just want a nice cuppa tea, maybe a cake, some hugs off my loved ones.
I think he's very disappointed that no one's  organised any surprises for his 90th. As none of his kids get on, and I'm completely ignored, I'm not sure what he expected to happen.
I did contribute to his 80th ( balloons for the tables) but I was not involved in the cake, and Nbrother timed his speech for when I was out of the room, along with most of my family. I missed it, and I missed dad being given his cake. Neither sister asked them to get me, or to wait for me. Happy families? All this stuff isn't normal. 
And yet dad wants to come to my house and be wined and dined at Christmas?  Christmas with Ndad would involve a four hour round trip for my husband in order to pick him up and drop him home.

Moglow, you wrote,
'She'd invariably drag up the few events she remembered from our childhood, where we'd done something wrong and want to hash that yet again.'

This happened to me every time there was a family get together. He'd make sure as many people were listening as possible.
One particular story did the rounds every time. The last time I was tired and upset to be hearing it yet again that I jumped in with the punchline and ruined his build up!
That was fun!

[MIB]

Thank you everyone for sharing, listening and understanding. 

Over Christmas I read a book that really helped me ("Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist") and made note of the key points that stood out to me on the back cover.

The key one was "never expect them to take an interest in you, because they won't". I think next time I visit, I'll read my notes beforehand so that they'll be fresh in my head to set my expectations.