Return to Sender OR Let it Be?

[makingachange]

Hi everyone!

I am curious your thoughts and opinions on this.  I personally have seen a lot of mixed thoughts on this, so I thought maybe we could discuss it here and see your opinion.

IF you get a card or anything through the mail from your parents, did you return to sender, or did you just keep the card and not even respond?

I am on the fence on this, because I feel if you return to sender, maybe it is in some small way giving them a dose of supply...BUT, if you keep it, then maybe it just prolongs things and they will continue to do this? 

What do you think?

[bee well]

Hi makingachange,

As for gifts, I have had issues with unwanted gifts, and cards and such that were used by the uPDs as sentimental manipulation in the past. I have decided that going forward if I find mail of any kind from "them" on my doorstep I will put said mail directly in the bin. Some people prefer the option of donating such gifts to charity. Personally I don't want to deal with the "emotional content" that would likely be contained in whatever packages that might arrive.

I think me using energy to physically write return to sender, from what I know about my FOO/extended family, would give the senders a big "hit" of supply.

On the other hand, I believe that one is not obliged to respond to notices that a package is waiting for pick up. In that case it, would automatically be returned by the post office wouldn't it? That might also anger the sender but more in the sense of being ignored. NC seems to have  that effect on the uPDs, but in a best case scenario, it's like a weed without fertilizer and water, eventually it will die out.

..That's my 2 cents, every situation is different depending on the context. I wonder how other OOTFers see it, or have examples to share.

[Andeza]

I don't go out of my way to do anything. Writing return to sender and sticking it back in the box? That's going out of my way. I usually check for cash, then chuck it in the can. A trash can that I can almost reach from where I sit, so not out of the way at all.

[JustKathy]

I never returned any hoover cards or gifts because I knew that was exactly what my Nmother wanted. It would have given her something tangible to pass around to everyone while shedding crocodile tears about her beloved daughter being so cruel. All she wanted to do was wish me a happy birthday and I ripped her heart out.

As far as prolonging the hoovering, I don't think it makes any difference what you do with the cards. Returning them might actually make things worse. They might get so angry that they double down and send more.

My hoover cards didn't stop coming until both of my parents died, so I got a lot of them over the ten years that I was NC. Still, it was easier for me to ignore them than to return them and know I was feeding their narc supply.

[Call Me Cordelia]

They might get so angry that they double down and send more.

Yeah that was my experience! I said on your other thread they sent cards for every holiday. I didn't mention that they also sent cards do each holiday for each member of the family. And we have a bunch of birthdays around a major holiday... we got 3-4 cards a week for a while. They probably spent $100/month on greeting cards just to harass us. My poor husband got the mail every day and trashed them all so I didn't have to see them.

[Liketheducks]

I'm not COMPLETELY NC.....but VVVLC.    Outside of Christmas, we usually only correspond by text.....and very infrequently.   Thankfully, we don't get many cards.   Mom is good to send a gift card for my kiddo.   I'm sure he appreciates that, and getting to choose what he wants.   When she does leave gifts on our doorstep, ie usually at the holidays, I'll text a thank you.   She gets great stuff for my husband and son.   She buys me massively passive aggressive stuff.....like red wine.....when she knows it will give me migraines.   I'm at a point where I just laugh it off.   Someone else will drink it.....or I can re-gift it to someone else.   And, I totally do, with no guilt.   For me, letting it be works best.   If I make any deal of it, it will only feed the wrong wolf.   

I do try to send her something from the all of us for birthday and holidays.   Mostly, to acknowledge that she IS my mother, and I AM thinking good thoughts toward her, despite it all.   Honestly, that is for me.   Holding on to the anger, I have less peace.    I've found being the calm one or not engaging either diffuses her drama or just irritates her. (I'm not above getting a little bit of satisfaction there)    Funnily enough, she taught me the height rudeness would be to receive a gift but not acknowledge it.   Guess who does the same on the regular......

[Pepin]

I've done the RTS thing and that further enraged NF.  No doubt he complained to other people that I was a deplorable daughter and one that he raised wrong.   

I open mail now and have a quick peek and then toss into a plastic collection bin in my garage.  Who knows, all that garbage may be useful some day as evidence of his lunacy.  I have years or email correspondence from him that proves how horrible he is and anyone can clearly see that him sending mail every now and then is a complete hoover and sad attempt on his part.  Been NC for 14 years now and I never want to lay eyes on him again or hear his voice. 

Don't RTS.  That is supply.  Let them go crazy wondering what happened to the mail.  BTW, I refused to sign for a piece of mail with my signature (for fear that it would be used somehow against my wishes) and the mailman signed on my behalf for the USPS.  I opened the certified mail and recorded myself with the date and time just in case it was something nasty as evidence.  It was just a dumb note and photos.  Tossed that into my plastic bin and washed my hands. 

[JustKathy]

Let them go crazy wondering what happened to the mail. 

It no doubt drives them nuts, not knowing if you received it, and not knowing what your reaction was. Leave them wondering.

[moglow]

Let it gooooo! Based on my experience, whatever you do others can and will put their own spin on it, so let them do that without you. It's kind of like pavlov's dog, never knowing how far they have to push to get a response. Give in once and they know it's at least that much the next time. Honestly I'd recommend not even taking it inside, so you don't have to touch it twice or keep thinking about it - straight to garbage or dumpster and cut out any middlemen! I like dumpster because then you can't get to it later even if you think you want to. 

[donutmoonpanda]

In my family, in my personal experience, don't return to sender. It just gives them the satisfaction of getting you to react to them. They want to push your buttons and returning to sender is a way of showing them it worked. They will interpret it however they want.

You can throw it away without opening it, but don't go around publicizing the fact that all their mail ends up in the garbage. I feel like also entices them to send more mail.

Honestly, I like to read their mail because there's nothing they can send me that will make any difference. And words mean nothing at all to me. I read it, laugh, show it to my spouse, we'll laugh heartily, then throw it away.

I don't go out of my way to do anything.

- I think that is excellent advice.

[Sidney37]

I totally agree.  I've been NC for several years.  A year ago Christmas, food, gifts and gift cards arrived for my kids.  The food went in the bin.  I had planned to donate the gift cards until I realized that my enD wrote their names in sharpie on each of the gift cards in addition to writing it on the cardboard cover.    I'm tempted to use the gift cards to buy something for the charity where I would have donated them, but that's effort.  For now, the cards are in a desk drawer.  I told my kids about the gifts and they agreed that they should be donated.

[Riggo199]

Well, I am 59 y/o...retired, finally. My Nparents STILL send me cards on my bday, valentines cards, and at Xmas. I have been no-contact with my Mom for 7 years and my Father for 2 years.  My Nmom sends sappy cards (prob. spends $15 on the damn card!). I just toss hers in the mail.  My Nfather sends random $20/$40.  I take that money and buy cannabis..... for my anxiety (per my husbands suggestion).  HA!

p.s. I have to immediately rip-up the cards.  They will still trigger me for a few days. UGH.

Hope this helps.  Keep fighting.  Keep avoiding contact.  This should be on THEM.  You did nothing wrong! 

[Starboard Song]

I feel if you return to sender, maybe it is in some small way giving them a dose of supply...BUT, if you keep it, then maybe it just prolongs things and they will continue to do this? 

Answer #1: I said No Contact, and the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. So unwanted mail should be casually disposed of with unwanted sales circulars.

Answer #2: Returning to sender is an openly hostile rejection of the mail, not a correction of an error like a misdelivered package. So I will not harden my heart by letting them drag me into a battle of USPS hot potato.

Answer #3: If I want to persuade anyone I should use my words. So I will not engage in passive-aggressive games like sending stuff back.


You are quite right, I believe, that returned mail is hostile, and only fuels their anger even more. If you want NC then be NC, and don't slavishly return crap you never asked for and do not welcome. I seriously doubt that returned mail is more likely to dissuade future deliveries than silent non-response.

For our part, we are pushing 7 years NC and the mail stopped some time last year, at about the 5 1/2 year mark.

Whatever you choose, good luck to you. Protect your good heart!

[Mintstripes]

Another vote for letting it be. No response is often the best response for narcs and problem people.

[footprint33]

Also chiming in to say no to sending it back. That just gives them a response. Mine go straight into the trash