Help! Cut off my friend but her daughter has cancer... now I feel guilty

[Foli_bee]

I recently cut a close friend out of my life because her behavior became too much. It started when I got my first office job. Cam was the only other woman in the office, a coworker twice my age who got attached to me very quickly. I was flattered by how much she liked me. I've never had a mother and she told me we were "kindred spirits" as her mother wasn't present either. She's a single mom and gave me the experience of family by spending time with her and her kids.

I made a lot of mistakes in this friendship. I failed to set boundaries and I let her take advantage. I lent her money she would never pay back, I stayed up with her all night on the phone when she had too much anxiety to sleep, I bent over backwards whenever she decided I had "wronged" her, I devoted so much time to feeding her reassurances and validation. If I failed to call her for a day she'd turn it into a sign of my "emotional issues." And she'd complain about all the narcissists in her life— ex boyfriends, ex bosses, ex friends. She once said narcissists are attracted to her because she's so empathetic. But there was always someone for her to complain about.

I finally woke up. She had trained me to cater to her volatile emotions but I hit my limit. I told her I needed space and she replied by outlining every issue of mine, how I'm mean, oversensitive, guarded, etc. I didn't reply and she switched gears to sending over-the-top praises of our friendship until I blocked her. I felt SUCH immediate relief after.

This was only months ago. I've done my best to learn from the experience and be better about setting boundaries and standing up for myself. The problem is I just found out her daughter has been diagnosed with cancer. I feel awful about it, and guilty that I'm not there for the family. I knew this girl for years, I've babysat her, she's wonderful. I have both Cam and her daughter's numbers. I feel like I should reach out in some way, but I don't know what to say. I'm all mixed-up emotionally. What do I do?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome!  Some people just have one drama after the other. Check out the Toolbox for strategies when dealing with your friend.

You seem to have formed a bond with the daughter and it sounds like you would like to reach out to her.  If that is what you want to do - what makes you hesitate? If it's the fear of letting the mother back into your life, you don't need to do that. Could you be of help to the daughter? Would you want to? Can you do it in a healthy, self protective way?

Let us know what you decide.

[Foli_bee]

Thank you for the reply and the welcome. I appreciate it!

I guess I partly worry that I'm overstepping by talking to Anne (the daughter) when her mother and I no longer have a friendship.

And the other part is like you said, not knowing how to do so while protecting myself. Under normal circumstances I would tell someone that I'm there for them anytime, whatever they need. But I feel like I can't actually fulfill that kind of promise when I've committed to keeping Cam out of my life.

There's a GoFundMe for her. I told myself to never give Cam anymore money, but then I think, well, the money is for Anne...

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the forum-

i think it's 100% appropriate to support the daughter based on the prior relationship if she's an adult.  if she' s still a minor you may end up being pulled back into the drama of the mother.  in reading your post i am concerned you used their real names- do we need to do an edit for you?

Thank you for the reply and the welcome. I appreciate it!

I guess I partly worry that I'm overstepping by talking to Anne (the daughter) when her mother and I no longer have a friendship.

And the other part is like you said, not knowing how to do so while protecting myself. Under normal circumstances I would tell someone that I'm there for them anytime, whatever they need. But I feel like I can't actually fulfill that kind of promise when I've committed to keeping Cam out of my life.

There's a GoFundMe for her. I told myself to never give Cam anymore money, but then I think, well, the money is for Anne...

[Foli_bee]

Sorry, I should have specified! She's a minor, in her tween years. I just made up the names so it was easier to read.

[xredshoesx]

ok. ty for the heads up about the names-

i think with the daughter being a tween it would be really hard for you to offer support for her without her mother trying to re-insert herself back into your life.  it's a really tough call.

[Catothecat]

I agree--it's a tough call because you can't easily separate the relationships due to the one person being so young and still living with mom etc.  However, I think giving to Anne's gofundme is one of those "better angels in our nature" situations because you're not giving to Cam, you're giving to Anne. Even if Cam gets the money and squanders it, that's on her.  Your intention was a good one and remains good no matter what happens to the money.

I think you have to accept the possibility of the mother interpreting any action on your part as some sort of concession to her,  She's going to interpret it how she chooses--you have no control over that.  It's an unfortunate situation, but any unnecessary drama surrounding it isn't your burden to undertake.  It might help to weigh the (personal) repercussions of just remaining silent against getting somewhat re-involved because of your feelings about Anne.  What do you want your place to be in this situation, and is it achievable?