New, confused and not hopeful

[Legalmindhelp]

New here.  Married almost 2 years ago now after living with my boyfriend for 11 years. I always resisted marrying him though he pushed for it. I knew we had issues because he disregarded my wishes. He would do things I asked him not to do and not do the things I ask him to do. I'm a very impatient person myself and have a tendency to anger easily. It got to the point where I threatened to leave him if he did not get a neuropsych exam. The neuropsych exam revealed that he had conduct disorder as a child and that, though he does not have the actual disorder, he has many traits of antisocial personality disorder.  It really explains a lot. From what I've read there's not a lot of successful treatment options for the disorder, though the psych report says he does not have the full-fledged disorder. I have been doing a lot of reading and suspect that he also suffers from traits of narcissistic and histrionic personality disorder as well .

I now wonder if I ever loved him if it was just one big trauma bond. We have been through countless break ups and now we're married. I didn't want to file divorce in our short marriage but then withdrew the complaint.  I just became aware of these things before taking a 10 day trip out of town. Very sad at the prospect to file for divorce when I go home because I am not at all confident that my husband will get the help that he needs and even if he continues with counseling I don't think he takes it all seriously. I, on the other hand, Will be seeking therapy immediately upon my return.

My husband is not violent. My main issue with him is that he does not respect my wishes and does exactly as I ask him not to do which I feel has been a farm serious emotional abuse all these years. I guess I'm just seeking any helpful advice established the next few months. Thank you and God bless .

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I think you are very wise to seek therapy for yourself.  A good therapist will be able to help you explore what about yourself made you stick with a person who does not respect your wishes and abuses you emotionally. The only person we can change is ourself. If we are willing to do so.

As for your husband,  he will only change if he wants to and you have already tried for 13 years to change him, and as it sounds did not have much success. How much longer are you planning on waiting for the change?  Would you be able to accept him exactly the way he is now,?  Would you be willing to live with him?   How much of yourself would you have to change to be able to live contentedly with your situation as it is now?

[Legalmindhelp]

Thank you! Very good questions. I am not wiling to accept him the way he is. Stupidly thought I could get him to understand my feelings and he always promised to do better. I wish I would have found this site earlier. It explains why our previous counseling never worked.

We don't have children. This is my second, and highly likely my last marriage. My reverent desire is to divorce. I am a lawyer, successfully retired since 56. I can likely do the divorce myself.  Outside of my relationship with this man, my life is very good.

How did I let this happen? I am a successful, usually very independent woman. I do not need this man to provide me with any material goods.  I actually provide the home and health insurance for him.

I don't even know if I love him or have this sick trauma bond with him. I do know that I am beyond sad about this. I also worry about what will happen to him when we split. Looking back, I know I likely have been the best thing to happen to him in his life. I feel guilty already.... But I don't want my tombstone to read that I was the best thing in his life. I deserve a life too.

My husband and I have a shared history.....but not even that is good. Lotsa memories of bad vacations and such. Now that I am moving toward divorce, again, I pray that I can go through with it. Like others here....we have broken up and come back together countless times. I am so sad....

Thanks for your support.

[LettingGoOfGood12]

There is a book I'm reading called Letting Go Of Good by psychologist Andrea Matthews. It has been tremendously helpful in explaining how and why we end up in one-sided relationships where our needs are never met, why we experience guilt around how the abuser will feel when we do what is in our best interest, and how to change the pattern.

I am in no way an expert —  I'm in the process of leaving my abuser now — but this resource has been a tremendous help in allowing me to see my own patterns and how I keep choosing the same type of people regardless of the place or circumstance. When I read your post, I thought it would be helpful to share.   

[Legalmindhelp]

Thank you letting go! I need all the help I can get. I had my ah-ha moment right before I left home for 10 days. I was gone only a day when my husband did something I told him repeatedly not to do. I have a half million dollar construction project currently on going and he is interfering in.....likely making it even more costly. (He is not ASPD, but his neuro-psych exam indicates that he has ASPD traits which are likely responsible for his interpersonal relationship problems). I know he is not ever going to change to the point he will actually stop disregarding me feelings and wishes. He is 62 and it has been almost 14 years since we first started dating.

It has been only four days since I told him I want a divorce. We have not even been married but a year and a half and I tried to divorce him and it was going to a hearing at about this time last year, when I withdrew the complaint. My mom was on her deathbed with Covid at the time and I was dealing with that in another state and couldn't be home for the divorce hearing. Even given his last transgression, I feel My resolve waning again. Why??????

I know what I need to do. I have been reading the book Out of the FOG and I recognize that I have a tendency to be drawn to charity cases in relationships. I'm going to seek counseling immediately upon going home and get with some of my lawyer girlfriends who will help me put together the complaint for the divorce. But I already feel guilty because he will lose his health insurance, his home and everything because he has nothing. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the book recommendation.

I know what I need to do, I just need to find the strength and resolve to follow through. We have done the break up and get back together thing countless times and I just can't let that happen again. I know I will be visiting this forum a lot and I thank god it is here for me. God bless all of you folks,