Abuse Amnesia

[LettingGoOfGood12]

Hi All,

I'm so glad I found this forum. I'm in the process of leaving a relationship where my ex was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. We currently live together and I finally made the decision after having to talk myself out of suicide. I kept trying to help him deal with his emotions in a more healthy way, but he kept reverting back to what was comfortable for him — control, crossing boundaries, manipulation, humiliation, etc.

I need help staying the course of leaving and moving out. After he has his fit and acts all erratically and finally calms down, I start to reminisce about the good times, and this is where I always get sucked back into staying. It's like I can't even remember the way it felt during the moments of abuse, and I keep betraying myself. I know he isn't going to change. I know and want to leave. And all I want to do is just remember why I made the decision to leave and stay the course and get out. He has made my life a living hell. Why is there any part of me that remembers the feeling of cuddling in bed and wants that back, but can't remember the feeling of being strangled? I will hate myself if I go back. I can't keep doing that to myself anymore. What advice do you have?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome!  I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did.
You write, you are presently living with your abusive partner. Do you have an escape plan for an explosive situation?  A packed emergency bag in a safe place, keys, a place where you can go? Please check out the links on this page for further information:

https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

Journaling might help you to remember the bad times. Please also check out the Toolbox

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

for ideas on how to protect yourself better.  Abusive relationships can create a sort of dependency,  similar to chemical addiction,  you might want to read up on trauma bond.

You are not alone! There are many of us on this site who are trying to heal from an abusive relationship. Stick around, you will find this site supportive and informative.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

Abusers are all about power and control.

Trauma bonding is where the target of abuse finds it difficult to leave their abuser.

The target of abuse becomes addicted to the good times. That is when all the amazing feel good hormones such as dopamine are released in the body. They can become as addictive as cocaine.

The abuser behaves like a drug dealer and has the power to remove those feel good hormones at any time by being abusive.

We crave the good times and the feel good hormones so don't leave even when it becomes life threatening.

It's useful to understand how our bodies and brains are working. Then we can understand our emotions and behaviour.

This all made perfect sense to me when I learnt about the toxic trauma bond.

You can find out more about trauma bonding by watching YouTube videos by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

I have learnt a lot from her.

Listen to your gut, not your head or your heart as they can lie to you.

Please take care of yourself. Don't ever go back. You matter. Your life would be in danger if you went back. You know that.

You can't fix him because you didn't break him.

Get help and support now. You need it. Make that call now. Find a support line.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Starboard Song]

I will hate myself if I go back. I can't keep doing that to myself anymore. What advice do you have?

Welcome, and thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry you face this struggle. You've told us you know exactly what you need to do, and exactly what you want to do. But -- and this is no shame on you at all -- it is terribly hard, even to the point of feeling impossible at times. I totally get that.

I believe this needs to stop being a battle waged and lost inside your own head: you need and deserve a trusted friend in real life to work with you. A trusted friend can do the following things for you.

• Write down a list of things you KNOW are true: he will hurt you again; this cycle will repeat; there are other people who rarely or never behave this way; you deserve better, and so on.
• Write down a list of things you know AREN'T true: the last cycle won't be the last; you aren't limited to only him; you aren't at fault.
• Write down a reasonable timeline for moving out and ending contact: living with this person needs to end like it is an emergency

After that, your trusted friend can hold you accountable. When you point out that he swears he's learned, they'll point out he has said that before. When you say you just need three months to move out, they'll point out you could move out in 3 days if you really meant it.

You asked for advice, and you stipulated that you do not want to be with this guy. My single biggest piece of advice is to NOT be with this guy. If a tornado hit, you'd move out in 15 seconds and you'd survive somehow. So let's say end of next weekend: by the end of next weekend you CAN get out and be somewhere else. I encourage you to treat this as an emergency and make that happen.

Caveat: we don't know your financial situation, family situation or anything. And we don't know many other complexities that may exist. So please take what I wrote above with a grain of salt, and do what is right and safe for you. But do whatever you do on the advice of a trusted friend IRL, and do it with haste.

If you feel there is any physical danger to you, please consult our Emergency Resources, and make strong plans to protect yourself.

[LettingGoOfGood12]

Thank you all so much for responding. I have been feeling very alone in this process. It seems like no one around me — friends or family really understand the gravity of the situation and the impact it has had on me.

I took all the advice and I have an emergency bag packed, and read about trauma bonding (that really helped make sense of how I've been feeling and why it seems like my mind is trying to sabotage my desire to leave). It's also been great to spend some time away with friends and family for my child's spring break. I have an exit plan that I hope will work out for us.

I can't thank you enough. It was so much worse feeling like I was by myself in this, but the encouragement and support you all just gave me, gave me the belief in myself that I can and will get out and never turn back again.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your replies. You have no idea how much I needed you

[LettingGoOfGood12]

Update: I came back home from my trip to my mom's place. All my stuff was in another room, which ended up being great for me. He's been trying so hard to "fix the relationship" but I've been adamant that the relationship is over.

It's been really rough emotionally. There is a ton of grieving, sadness, anger, disappointment in myself, relief, anxiety, pride— my emotions have literally been all over the place which I'm assuming is normal.

I've been trying to keep myself occupied with books and an uplifting playlist, and searching for a job (when we were together, he insisted I quit my job and stay at home with his three kids and my daughter and be a homemaker), and closing on the house I'm moving into.

I know I'm not where I want to be financially or emotionally but I'm trusting that if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I'll get there. It's just been really hard to not get emotionally exhausted, plus, he tries to monopolize my time during the day by trying to talk about our "relationship" ask for sex, and then some of the classics like put downs, arguing, getting angry for not forgiving him, reading my journals. I just can't wait until this house closes and I can move on.

Coming here is definitely part of my support, talking to friends and family (he used to get really mad about me talking to my friends so I ended up distancing myself from them), and hanging out with our pets, and imagining a life free of him that feels good and is full of happy, loving supportive people.

[notrightinthehead]

You could set yourself a boundary like - I will allow myself to spend 2 hours a day with him and not more. When the two hours are up I will do something else - jobhunting, going out with kids,  sorting stuff,  etc. Any activity away from him is good. Any activitiy which brings you closer to your goal of a life without PD, is better. You don't have to tell him about this boundary,   just yourself and stick to it religiously. This way you will protect yourself from his onslaughts, it seems he has not yet discarded you completely.  Once he has found another supply, you might be amazed how quickly he will discard you. 
As he is reading your journals, it might be a good idea for now to type them on a computer and protect them with a password - and protect the computer with a password too... It really is helpful to journal right now,  it helps you to vent, to record the abuse, and it will help you later when you want to go back and wonder if it truly was that bad...

[guitarman]

Keep posting here as often as you like.

You aren't alone.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Starboard Song]

I know I'm not where I want to be financially or emotionally but I'm trusting that if I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I'll get there. It's just been really hard to not get emotionally exhausted, plus, he tries to monopolize my time during the day by trying to talk about our "relationship" ask for sex, and then some of the classics like put downs, arguing, getting angry for not forgiving him, reading my journals. I just can't wait until this house closes and I can move on.

You are doing a lot right. And it is true: if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll get there. It's two pieces, right? You have to be in a good place in order to get in the right financial and emotional state. So try to focus on doing the next good thing each day, always towards your goal.

Right now, it sounds like you need to be strong and get this move done. That is hard work, so go easy on yourself. It is actually hard. And don't lose your resolve or let your guard down. We understand. Many of us have been there, and we know how crazy-making it can be, and we understand feelings of guilt, and of doubt, and all the rest. So bring us those burdens and you can get this reinforcement from us: you are not alone.

Be good. Be strong.