Lightbulb moment

[Loston211]

Hi.  I have been reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it pointed me here.  Just registered.  I've been reading for the last couple days and am in the middle of my "lightbulb moment" I guess.  I've been in a relationship with woman for almost 7 years and have never even considered that she may have a PD before.  I'm about 2/3s through the book which was recommended by a therapist I started seeing in hopes that I can get my girlfriend to join me and it's really strange how exactly some of the descriptions of BPD and NPD match her behavior.  I've been very committed to her and have tried everything I can think of to communicate with her, but now I feel a bit relieved to understand what is going on a bit more and at the same time discouraged because it seems like there's not much reason to keep trying.  We haven't spent any time together for 3 months because of an argument about what to eat.  She doesn't exhibit the rage aspect and is very reserved.  But I can see the anger boiling if I try to make her discuss things she doesn't want to discuss and she takes no responsibility for any of it.  She walked out over the disagreement about what to each and didn't contact me for two days.  Because she was waiting for me to apologize.  This is all very new to me and I'm trying to process it all but honestly some of the stuff in the book makes me wonder if I have BPD and I can't figure out if that's because I have that trait or she is projecting it.  I love her so much and wish there was some way I could help her, but I'm learning that there just isn't and i've likely been enabling it.  I have 3 young daughters from my previous marriage and she loves them and they love her.  There has never been a moment when I was concerned about her behavior with them.  There has never really been a moment when I was concerned about her behavior with me, but  there is this impenetrable wall around her.  And then something makes her mad and we are in a standoff for days or weeks or months.  I think I'm realizing it is going to have to end, but I feel so sad to leave her.  She doesn't have anyone else that cares enough to be honest with her and try.  I think her mother likely has a PD as well and is medicated for it.  I think her dad probably greatly enables them both, but this is all very new to me so I probably need to not make those kinds of guesses.  Just trying to talk out some of these things and sort through them.  Thanks to anyone who reads this.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I had a lightbulb moment as well when I read that book. How could someone I had never met write about my life so accurately!

I have not had any contact with my sister for over two years because I can't cope with her disruptive behaviour any more.

I have redefined her as my abuser and that I am her target of abuse. Abusers are all about power and control.

I follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

The more we learn about personality disorders the better we are able to cope.

Other people don't really understand what it is like unless they have been in a similar situation.

Observe don't absorb.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[GentleSoul]

Welcome,

glad you found us. I hope you find comfort and validation here.

I relate to what you speak of.  My partner never raged outwardly, it was more an inner simmering rage.  He was very covert with it. 

I also relate to the wall around her you mention.