Stalking my home and ringing doorbell incessantly

[Unknown]

I am going to make this as short as possible bc I don't want this to take up any more free rent in my brain than it already has.
I do not know what to do anymore.
Went NC with NM and Nsisters (1 live in town, 1 out of state) and by default, everyone else in the FOO due to FM enabling behaviors...
My DD celebrated a big milestone Bday yesterday and NM and NS show up ringing doorbell incessantly-DEMANDING the door to be opened to them. They then went around our block for over a half-hour, looped back around to our home at least 7 times stalking our home. My DH saw it through the office window as he was working from home.

Seriously?? The AUDACITY!
IF I could have just ONE word to describe them it would be ENTITLED. That is what they think- that they ARE ENTITLED to do whatever they WANT, wheneverTHEY want and HOW they want- and there is NOTHING I can do about it.

But, hilariously, I disagree. This is the crux of the whole issue is it not???

This is ME holding fast to my boundaries NM has always violated.
We were home - but did NOT answer the door. This is ME not punishing-  merely protecting myself.
Of course, they do not see it that way. They never do and they never will!!!!

I need some support- I do not have anyone to talk to about how this makes me feel- Noone would understand unless they have lived it.
Anyone not having lived with a narcissistic upbringing would only ask me such questions like "have you tried talking it out?" or the best one:" you only have one mom and they're your fammmmmily" so I suffer alone.

My NM and sisters BYPASS ME to get to our kids. No attempt at reconciliation like a NORMAL person in over 3 years!
Just BLAME, DEFLECTION, DENIAL , SHAMING, MINIMIZING- rinse repeat until I blocked them on my phone and all modes of access over 3 years ago. 3 years ago, the two of them (who are local) did something to our kids that was atrocious and they were shameless- and it was the straw that broke my back- when they pulled that stunt with our kids... Neither have ever apologized/atoned for it. They just deny and won't take responsibility for it. Yet, they still want them in their lives. Ha! Again, the audacity. They know I will not talk to them. I have just ignored FOR 3 LONG YEARS. That takes immense restraint, let me just say.

So, they have gone after our kids- on IG- and with letters, and gifts addressed ONLY to them.
Luckily, they have not succeeded.
The smear campaign mantra is that  "I am poisoning them against her" along with passive-aggressive comments in the cards and notes she leaves to our kids. (My DD opened it before I could throw it away and I needed to see what it said after 'the cat was out of the bag'). In the past, I have been able to get to the gifts before the kids do and throw them out but not lately as they are stalking when they know we are home- and being more blatant about it. So, the kids see the gifts and naturally want to know what's in them... Sigh. (we still promptly donate but the damage is already done)

I feel exhausted- mentally, emotionally. I have not responded to the stalking, the gifts they have left on the stoop on holidays and birthdays (only for my kids of course) but I am at my wit's end. Even my DH made a comment to DD and said "well, we're going to have to have it out one day" wanting to open the door.
My DD begged him not to. I asked him later, why would you say that?? That would RUIN her day- more so than it already had- and it is not fair to her. I said Just because someone ASKS you to do something does not mean you MUST do it. - This goes for ANYTHING in life.
He apologized and realized his comment was out of line and that he said it out of stress. This is what they do. Cause so much F*ing stress. Even so, after all this time, I feel even HE does not get it.
I feel like confronting them both with a letter but I know that is supply and would back fire and not do ANY good. Ignoring/NC is NOT working. - they will not stop. Of course, the stalking is ONLY on important days of my kids' lives- birthdays and major holidays. (Thanks for ruining these celebrations mom and sisters!!!!)
I know that responding is not a good choice and will NOT work.
Lose Lose.
I do not know what to do at this point.
I feel so angry! And victimized yet again.

Worst part is, about the card she left--- passive-aggressive comments  for my DD- implying that now that she is an adult- she can make her OWN choices and live her OWN life- which we all know what she was implying there.

Since this has happened, I find myself gaslighting myself-  I don't know which way is right anymore.

Please dear OOTFoggers, please give me strength. I feel so alone and so angry and so exhausted.

[Cat of the Canals]

I have a PDmil who loved to show up unannounced whenever she pleased... we have since moved far away, which is the only reason it's not still happening. So I understand some of your frustration. But we weren't even NC. To do this when you've made it clear you want no contact is beyond entitled. It is harassment. And like the title of your post: STALKING.

You are clearly not in the wrong here: just look how they're behaving! They believe your boundaries are something they can just bulldoze right over!

I'm so sorry that your DD's birthday was tarnished this way.

A few "practical" suggestions that might give you a little bit more peace (though it certainly doesn't solve the core problem here). Doorbells can be disconnected. Usually it's as simple as disconnecting a wire. Another option would be installing a fence with a locking gate, if that's feasible. Obviously you shouldn't HAVE to do either of these things, but sometimes that added bit of peace is totally worth it.

[moglow]

I might just step out there in front of them and destroy that doorbell, leave bare wires hanging as i slam the door behind me! You dont treat me like shite and get 24/7 access to my people.

[Unknown]

I might just step out there in front of them and destroy that doorbell, leave bare wires hanging as i slam the door behind me! You dont treat me like shite and get 24/7 access to my people.

This is where I find myself gaslighting myself- thinking-- asking myself- am I the narcissist wanting control? All because I am not allowing them access to my children- as if they are property - GAH! Then I come to my senses and realize that is what SHE would say to ME ! That I have no right! They are their OWN AUTONOMOUS beings with their OWN RIGHT to see their grandmother!  Of course, they are their own persons but I don't do it for control but protection...I am their legal guardian and it is my duty to protect them from whatever I think is dangerous!
which is what trips me up for a moment, gaslighting myself with this conundrum. Part of it, yes, is pride. How dare she try to bypass me to get to my kids? I am chopped liver but she can step over me and have a relationship with them? I don't see that being remotely normal let alone healthy. The projection is unnerving.
See what I mean? It is crazy making.

[hhaw]

What happens if NO TRESPASSING signs are put up in the yard?

I think the police can be called at that point and it will be considered harrassment?
Maybe an attorney can fire off letters too?
And if the police are called.... maybe it's just the police dealing with the Ns?  And maybe the Ns won't find that fun at all?  If it happens over and over and maybe consequences finally end up with jail as a consequence?

Moving sounds like a good idea.

[Pepin]

If you don't already have surveillance, please consider having cameras to cover all outdoor areas of your home.

And start documenting every single thing.  With this evidence, go file a restraining order. 

What was done to you was a complete violation, blood related or not.  They are not listening to you and making you and your family feel unsafe. 

Bottom line, no one should ever make you feel unsafe on your own property.   

[mary_poppins]

Options that I would use if I were you:

-Move out of state and make my address anonymous (through a PO box)
-Continue to live at the current address and file a police report for stalking and harassement (this won't work so well in my country but if you're in the US or UK, police there take these situations seriously. You are being emotionally assaulted by these people and it is your right to protect yourself and those in your family.
-Go completely NC (NC means no social media channels, changing my social media names and their https. I'd put Instagram on private and would delete Facebook completely (nothing to see there anyway).
-Get a different number that is not made public (the phone carrier can make your number private).
-Maintain my boundaries and don't give in to any smear campaign or threats.

There are many options for you. Don't lose hope, the best solution is out there, waiting to be used. Follow your intuition, it knows the best.

[olivegirl]

Absolutely move far away.

I called the cops when my stalking in-laws would trespass and leave gifts.

I called the cops when my in-laws sent hostile and snide letters.

I called the cops when my in-laws got violent!

The cops called and gave them multiple warnings and the in-laws just lied about it all. 

And the in-laws were loving the Grade A fuel.

It ended when we moved far away.

[Leonor]

Hi Unknown,

I am so sorry to read your post. That behavior is ATROCIOUS. It is ABUSIVE. And it is entirely UNACCEPTABLE.

There was one dear Oofer here whose lawyer sent a cease and desist letter to their stalky parents, and the parents answered with a letter of their own. It left us all  ... Who writes back to a c&d letter? No one! Except our narc family members.

Let's say you weren't related to these people, and this was happening. For one thing, you certainly wouldn't feel guilty. You'd likely feel  . And with good reason!

You are totally within your rights to brainstorm, consult, ask around lawyers, police, social workers, family crisis centers, security companies, anyone who might know about local resources for stalking victims.

It sucks that we've had to give up our homes for a bit of deserved peace. But creating a new home in a safe space without the bad vibes might be a wonderful opportunity.

I like the "No Trespassing" sign. Maybe you could write "This means you!" in magic marker and then stick a photo of your mom right there. Or one of those old timey Western "Wanted" posters with the photo and you can write "NOT" at the top.

Geez the nerve of these people!

[makingachange]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this and I can only imagine how completely draining it must be.  I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you...=)  Sending you big hugs as you push through all of this!