Therapist

[escapingman]

I have now had 3 sessions with my therapist, it has been good, I have mostly been talking and she has been listening. When I have told her things, she has felt very sorry for me and my situation and at one time she even said she got angry for how my STBX was treating me.

But to my question, what am I supposed to get from the therapist? So far it has been great to have some one to talk to, but I have not got any real suggestions about how to take the next steps. It feels like I still do most healing on my own using this forum, youtube videos and audiobooks.

Thanks.

[feralcat]

Hi EM.
I've talked to four therapists, three were one offs really, so I could get stuff off my chest. I basically talked to myself, and came away feeling better. I guess talking aloud allows you to hear what you're saying and decide whether that makes sense. Plus it's better than going round and round in your head, ruminating.

I did see one for longer but, tbh, it felt more for her benefit than mine. Interesting case study , what ?I didn't get to move forward.

When I got in touch with the lady I talk to at the moment, I said I didn't want this. I wanted a conversation basically, and advice. So this is what we do. I think I've read enough by now, especially since coming Out of the FOG, to have a fairly good handle on things. She still surprises me though, and recommends books even. I think that if I hadn't got to a stage of having some background knowledge, this approach wouldn't be so good . A bit overwhelming ?

Have you told your counsellor that you can, and want to, discuss things ' at a more advanced  level' ? Or that you'd like more input ? Or do you think that's out of her comfort zone ?

[hhaw]

Your T should be a safe compassionate witness while teaching you how to calm your brain and biochemistry so you can process the trauma and refile it in historic files in your brain.

Right now your trauma is bouncing around your limbic system, transposing itself over your present moments, bc your brain can't process the trauma while locked in survival mode, which is a biochemical hijack.......
You can't think your way out of it and learning how to experience the trauma WHILE calming your brain with specific trauma informed breathing techniques, tapping, EMDR etc will help your brain process the stuck trauma.

Those treatments help by calming your brain and engaging your frontal cortex....an integrated brain processes in milliseconds easily.

A biochemical hijack in the brain reduces processing to survival mode....reptile brain automatically shuts down higher thinking brain so one can escape the possible tiger in the forest, bc Higher brain might stop to wonder if those are really black and orange stripes, which could get one killed.

Engaging your entire brain might happen differently for you.  Any T can help you feel safe and help you process, but a trauma informed T with Buddhist leanings helped me where many had failed.....mostly they cried, got angry at my ASPD and lacked the ability to teach and help me understand what was happening inside my brain, how to counter it and go back to countering when I forgot or simply couldn't in the moment.

One of my more memorable experiences was anger at my MIL for harming my daughters.  I was so angry at my T's office I left angry.....could not do the work....it was like I was UN the moment....again. Rexperiencing the things I couldn't forgive MIL for.....and aI muttered angrily and frustrated under my breath on the drive home till I stopped at a busy intersection....looking right left right left right left right left right left and this unexpected flutter through my torso and lungs happened.  Like someone ruffling blinds with their fingers......and when I thought about my MIL everything was flat, gone... the stuck trauma anger had processed unexpectedly....looking right left right left engaged my entire brain and allowed a moment where that trauma COULD simply process and slide into historic files where it belonged and wouldn't keep my wrapped up in past trauma like it was HERE, now.

Your brain processes easily all day and night .... it's what it's designed to do.  It just needs a chance to calmly experience that trauma and it's not hard.  It's easy.

Old brain pathways are thick with myelin....fat that makes them lightening fast.  So fast your brain chooses them before you understand there's choice.

You'll likely be working with your T to cultivate 1 or 2 second windows BEFORE your brain chooses the default pathways

This gives your brain the chance to register choices.....and choose.  It gets easier and easier as you practice whatever ways help you and make sense to you.....meditation, walking meditation, EMDR and tapping were helpful for me.  You might do some research and ask your T if she knows about them.  She might use a light instead of her hand during EMDR....she might have other methods she's familiar with.

The important thing is to know your brain is capable of building new pathways and diminishing the old ones.  The brain takes myelin from pathways you start using less.....and applies that fat to pathways you strive to actively build....the brain is a very frugal organ. 

Your frontal cortex is responsible for logic and creative problem solving.  It also uses much more energy.

Your survival/reptilian brain uses less energy and has not access to frontal cortex AT ALL.

Learning how to calm yourself....how to engage your Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) gives you the power to turn off survival brain, engage logic and creativity....to SEE choices.

Your learning how to give yourself more choices, EM.  You're cultivating 1 or 2 seconds BEFORE you react.

You're cultivating the ability to respond and be responsive.

You do this for yourself and for your loved ones, bc you give your self the gift of seeing down the road, understanding how small choices impact entire outcomes and you get to select the story you want to live.

My T says it's all a story.  We have 2 choices for coping with our COWs...Crisis of the week.

We can do what we can about the situation then put the story in the shelf and seek joy in our present moments
OR

Worry worry worry worry worry, which is largely debilitating to emotional and physical health, IME.....and most people employ the worry worry worry coping strategy.

You'll learn to cultivate a moment where you SEE choices..... that's the goal, IME, EM.  Call it expanding your window of resilience.  Call it training your brain to STOP reacting.....call it a choice to stop making choices on removing discomfort in the short term.....
Call it learning to sit with that discomfort and do nothing but be curious about what's behind the discomfort .... it's all part of the process, IME.

Most people move from distraction to distraction to avoid discomfort and/ or pain.

You're choosing to turn and face that discomfort while resting in nonjudgmental awareness when you enter into T, IME.

Drop ALL judgment.

Give yourself TSUNAMIS of self compassion and forgive yourself when you forget, bc we're all practicing....even elderly monks ......our thoughts come and go.  We choose to let them go by or we choose to pick them up.  It's always practice, never perfection, EM.

Be very curious....let curiosity replace judgment.

Cultivate radical acceptance. 

KNOW you have the option to put your story/worries/ discomfort on the shelf so you're free to seek joy in your present moments.  This moment truly is all you have, bc yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never happen....so NOW is where you live, play, worry or fret, but now is everything, EM.

Make a good plan.  Follow it.  Put it on the shelf and have fun with your girls.....really be present, look them in the eyes and ask them what they think and feel.  Validate ....breathe when things get scary and see if they don't copy you......my girls copy me and I wish I'd started when they were still your girls'ages.

Your glass is half full when you stop allowing the stbx INTO your head,,, driving you down old default brain pathways that get you more of what you've had.

Change that.

Decide what you want.  Make a plan and follow it......things will change in marvelous and unexpected ways, but you must practice new habits and build them.

I can't edit this now... .hope it mostly makes sense, EM.

[JustKeepTrying]

The above is valuablee advice.

Here is my experience,  my first several therapists were of the talk and listen type.  No direction given and a few I invested several sessions with. One though was worried right away and even called me two weeks after asking if I was still alive.  I was still so deeply in the FOG I was not willing to go there.

It was with my last two that I saw what should really happen.  I worked with an EMDR/Trauma therapist and for the first six months it was just talking.  I talked, she listened.  After four sessions, I asked her - what is supposed to happen here?  Her reply "Build trust.  You can delve deeper into your trauma until you trust me and are comfortable with complete honesty."  She was right - I hit that complete trust mark at six months and it was then that the real work began and I must tell it was very hard - but worth it.

The person I'm with now (provided by my insurance company for a total of 8 weeks) jumped right in and gave me homework.  She also sent me an app with all kinds of tools - all with the intention of developing new behaviors over this eight week period. 

If you have questions, ask.  This is your time and you have the right to ask.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello escapingman

My guess is that it could be a few possibilities.

It might be that she is modelling the responses she wants you to seek out in new relationships. So when she expresses sadness or empathy she may be giving you the experience of what it feels like when someone gives that response to you. I think this is done in some types of therapy.

Or it may be that she uses the first sessions to get info from you before deciding on a course of treatment, based on her first sessions with you.

It depends what you want from therapy. If you are comfortable  letting her do her thing and seeing where it goes that is one option.

You could also ask her if she can give you concrete homework each session or if she is going to do DBT (or some other specific type of therapy).

Therapists run the gamut with how they operate and how trauma informed they are.

If you have questions for your therapist you should feel comfortable asking them.

A therapist who does not help their client understand the approach they use is a red flag IMHO.

Trees

[escapingman]

Thanks for all your replies.

I think it really helps for me just to speak to someone about what has been going on and how I feel. I haven't been able to talk about this in any depth with anyone before. I suppose it really helps just getting validated and that it is abuse and that I am not to blame. With a few days to reflect since last time I spoke to the T I really can see it helps. She challenged me a bit on the moving out and how to handle the kids, maybe and hopefully she can help me through the physical split and come up with some ideas or strategies.